Anxiety is a funny thing. Merriam-Webster defines it as “fear or nervousness about what might happen. : a feeling of wanting to do something very much.” Another dictionary defines it as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Is it just me or does everyone else sense the elephant in the room? Its no secret, but if you haven’t been caught up in the loop, life isn’t free. What’s even less of a secret is that life doesn’t care about what you’re going through or your circumstances. It screams in your face with deadlines and pressure and demands that often seem insurmountable. But that’s life in and of the world. That’s the mindset you get stuck in when your focus shifts from the One who holds your life in His hands.
So why have I been dreaming about deadlines and having mini panic attacks when I think about September 23rd? Why do I close my eyes and see
$5,000
glued to the insides of my eyelids? Why do I check my bank account 6 times a day to see if money randomly appeared overnight? I’ve read more scripture on God’s promise to bless us in our faithfulness in the past month than I probably have in my entire lifetime. I started quoting scripture at God trying to “subtly” remind Him that He owes me and its probably time for Him to make good on it all. As if. *insert eye roll*
Here is the problem with my logic: I’m allowing my thoughts and emotions to be driven by the underlying fear of failure. I’m operating from the standpoint that I need to have everything in control and figure out a way to make things happen. (*disclaimer* there are MANY problems with this way of thinking, but I don’t have time to write a novel right now and you don’t have time to read one)
When I was growing up, I was taught that if you really wanted something, you go out and work for it until you can provide for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that inherently, but it also ingrained into me some stubborn streak against asking for help or talking about my problems. It built an unshakable wall of pride that guarded my heart from things like rejection and failure. I’ve come to realize how damaging that can be and how lonely life gets when you try to solely depend on your own ability to get you through anything. God created us all with different strengths specifically so we could work together and combine our gifts.
So here I am, in an effort to be transparent, telling you about trying to quote scripture at God like I’m the center of the universe. Believe me when I tell you that I cringe as I write this because I know how childish and immature that is, but I also think we all have felt that sense of indignation at some point in our lives. Did I really expect to sign up for the race and have almost $18,000 drop into my lap? Ok…so maybe I did…but the point is I was expecting a blessing where I wanted it to be. I was praying for my own will to be done, not God’s.
I may have mentioned this in a previous blog, but I often repeat myself and believe this still is relevant. If you spend all your time looking to the past to see what God has already done for you, you’re going to miss out on what He is doing right now, and it will be impossible for you to see into your future. God is creative. He doesn’t have some blessing book with 5 options to choose from. He makes new things specifically designed for you. He doesn’t have to repeat Himself because He always has new ideas.
So yes, fundraising feels overwhelming. Yes, I hate asking people for help. Yes, I still freak out in moments of weakness about the future that lies ahead of me. BUT, $5,000 isn’t too big for God. Heck, 5 billion dollars isn’t too big. He isn’t going to pour things out on us, whether blessing or trial, that are too much for us to handle. If someone had dropped a briefcase full of cash into my lap I would have never been forced to rely on God for it and the whole experience of preparation wouldn’t have taught me as much.
God has a purpose for the process. Trust Him with yours.
