Do you ever feel like life sucks and is totally unfair? Yeah. That’s been me off and on for a few weeks now. In all honesty its been self pity central. The negativity has created a vortex and sucked me into a vicious cycle. Because I feel like my relationship with God has been in a really good place, it caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting to be under enemy fire and to seemingly fail so quickly.
All this time spent alone in my head has been quite revealing. Recently I’ve been studying the book of Job. If you’re unfamiliar, it is basically the story of terrible things happening to a godly, upright man.
Any of that sound familiar? Why have these things been happening to me? I lost my job and felt that God was completely silent. I was filled with fear and panic as my mind raced through all of the things which had now become uncertain. How would my bills get paid? What would I do about my living situation? When would I find another job? What about all my plans I had in place? How would this affect the race? Like I forewarned – pity party.
As I stewed on the reality of my situation, I began to feel the gnawing away of the walls of protection I had shoddily thrown up around my pride. Its a gut wrenching feeling when you realize God is about to teach you a lesson you didn’t really care to learn. Humility.
I hate it. There. I said it. I’d rather sit around feeling sorry for myself than ask for help. My pride prevents me from stepping down off my high horse and entering the world of spiritual maturity. Its like I wasn’t expecting God to really do anything when I prayed that He would teach me to be a servant. I openly asked Him to knock down the walls in my life that were preventing me from loving others the way I was supposed to. I asked Him to prepare my heart for the work He had cut out for me, and then when He started to do it, I got angry.
I’m currently reading a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (ironic, I know) by Peter Scazzero and would recommend it to any and everyone. One of the things that has been weighing heavily on me is where the focus is in my relationship with God. Why didn’t I expect Him to move when I prayed for change? I started to question how authentic my faith really is. I sat down to evaluate how I was functioning in the relationship. If I interacted with my best friend the exact same way I did with God, how would the relationship look?
When you ask yourself hard questions, don’t expect easy answers. It came as a slap across the face. My relationship with God is completely one sided. Sure, I pray and sing worship songs. I talk to others about the great things God has done for me. I even read my Bible every day. The time I give to God is completely filled with things that I’m doing. I talk to God, but I don’t listen for His response. I worship Him with songs, but I don’t apply those praises to my relationship with Him once the radio gets turned off. I’ve been treating God like a voicemail. God doesn’t say “Leave a message after the tone.” You can talk at God all day long, but you aren’t going to hear anything back until you start talking to God. A voicemail isn’t a conversation. You can give information, but you aren’t receiving anything. What God does tell us is, “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)
I’ve been praying that God would show me His plans for me more than asking that He would prepare me for whatever those plans are. I’ve been asking God for a roadmap when I don’t even have a car. Preparing for this mission trip is no joke. Many of my teammates have experienced a lot of struggles and attacks from the enemy, and it is difficult to press on when you know the road only gets harder ahead.
I wish I could tell you that there is some really nice conclusion to this post, but in all reality I’m still in the middle of this. My intention is to be transparent in the fact that you can face struggles and still lean on God, even if you come to the realization that your relationship with Him is miles away from where you thought it was. The Christian walk isn’t perfect and it rarely even looks pretty. God isn’t looking for some qualified candidate that fits a cookie cutter mold. If He was, I wouldn’t be here.
Reading Job has helped to open my eyes and remind me that God’s plans are too big for us to perceive. There are other things moving around me that I’m oblivious to right now until God reveals them to me. Right now, my focus is to be still and know that He is God. To be less caught up in the “doing” and more involved in the “being.”
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
