Today I got a hard lesson in faith. I was struck by the blinding reality that my definition of “walking by faith” really meant “walking by faith when I’m in control and have power over the situation.” I wasn’t aware of this until today. And God made me VERY aware.
To preface, I am somewhat of a social media stalker. Can I accurately be a stalker if I openly admit it? That’s beside the point. I read every blog post that all of my teammates have published. I felt like it would help me get to know them and lead me to more specific ways to pray for them based on their individual struggles. In my browsing, I came across a blog that didn’t belong to a teammate. I felt compelled to read it.
As I began reading, it was clear that the subject wasn’t pretty. A current racer described an instance of witnessing child sex trafficking in Thailand. There were three men and a little girl in a yellow rain coat. I felt overwhelmed by dread and disgust as I read. I tried to slow down the words because I didn’t want to read anymore. I wanted to ignore the glaring truth. I sat weeping and broken in my dining room, praying not only that God would save the little girl, but that He would comfort the racer and ease her feelings of powerlessness over the situation. I prayed earnestly that He would revenge the deeds that had occurred and that He would rescue the little girl. As I sat here, broken and distraught, I heard the still small voice saying “trust MY plan.”
I didn’t want to hear what God was saying. He wasn’t saying “trust me.” He was telling me to stop praying for what I wanted to happen and to instead pray for His will to be done.
He was asking me to pray for “even if.”
I stopped praying. I couldn’t believe what God was asking me to do. He was telling me that I was operating under my own control instead of giving it to Him. I wasn’t praying for His will to be done, I was praying that my own will for her to be rescued would be done. I was angry. How could God ask me to pray for anything other than that she be saved? And then I thought about all the times I’ve testified that my pain has brought me strength and that it was in the darkest times that I felt the presence of God the most. So I prayed. I choked on the words and fought it.
“God, come down and save her. Protect her from the heinous and terrifying things she is experiencing. I trust You to do Your perfect will in Your perfect time. I’m asking you to rescue her from this situation, BUT EVEN IF YOU DON’T, I trust that this is Your will and that You will bring beauty out of brokenness. You promised that You work all things together for good. You promised never to leave us or forsake us. So if it Your will, save her, and if it isn’t, I will still praise You.”
I prayed that until I meant it and until I actually trusted Him. I was sick. I was broken. I was powerless. I knew that no matter how much I prayed for my own will to be done, my selfish words were not going to change the situation. So I prayed for “even if.”
Fast Forward to my nightly Bible study. I was supposed to be reading Job right now, but something told me yesterday to start reading Esther instead. Tonight was chapter 2. If you aren’t familiar, the topic of Esther 2 is King Xerxes’ selection of a young virgin to be his new queen. Those who weren’t chosen lived the rest of their lives as concubines.
I thought it had to be a joke. Not only had God asked me to trust Him and pray something that hard over a child who is being sex trafficked, but He also wanted me to read about trafficking in the Bible? Two blows in one day. I was incredulous! I started to think how dare He expect that! And then I realized how ridiculous and out of line my thinking was. I knew the enemy was desperately trying to do ANYTHING to stop me from learning the lesson God had laid before me.
I have been praying that God would show me the parts of my life that aren’t fully in line with the plan He has in store. I knew it would be a difficult road, but I didn’t expect this kind of pain. I knew that God had this exact lesson in mind because it was something that would resonate with me and make a lasting impression.
To over-summarize: Esther was chosen to be the new queen. She found favor in King Xerxes’ eyes. God goes on to use her to save the Israelites from a mass genocide. That is a story of hardcore faith and extreme courage.
Esther was the “even if” moment.
She probably prayed that God would exclude her from the rituals of choosing a new queen. She probably didn’t want to be subjected to 12 months of “beautification” rituals. She definitely didn’t want to become a concubine for the remainder of her life.
But God didn’t rescue her. He didn’t come in and wipe out the King’s palace for the rituals they enforced and the behavior they were engaging in. He left Esther where she was, and He worked all things together for good.
I don’t know where the little girl in the yellow rain coat is. I don’t know what God’s answer was. I may never know. BUT, after a spiritually and emotionally exhausting encounter, I can say WITHOUT A DOUBT that EVEN IF He doesn’t save her, His plan is perfect.
