Buckle up. It’s a long one.
Propped up against my backpack that is leaning on the window, legs sprawled on the two seats in front of me, I sit on the mini bus from Kampot to Siem Reap with my six teammates and two other strangers, one of whom is sitting next to me and appears to be slowly nodding off. Between spurts of sleeping myself, looking out the window at the passing palms bordering rice fields and typical houses on stilts, reading the sixth Harry Potter book, and listening to the bus driver’s music, which right now is potentially United States’ top forty from about four years ago (judging from the sound of Katy Perry’s “Roar” I’ve determined he is watching the music videos as well), I’ve found myself reflecting on the events of last month and the things I might have learned or more specifically, might be in the process of learning.
I recently gave a brief talk at a women’s retreat (an extremely liberal use of the word “retreat” based on the number of women who showed up, the length, and the general setting – a kitchen/dining room – but that experience had its own lesson learned of our own expectation, obedience to God, and the reality that God can work even in noisy chaos) about full submission to Jesus when we decide to follow Him. Through our time here, we have found that the people, particularly those we visited, experience physical pain and are eager for us to pray for them, but reluctant to give their lives to a God who evidently won’t heal them. In addition, in a culture whose history seems to be intertwined with the religion of Buddhism, there is a subtle undercurrent of general spirituality without full commitment to anything in particular. Of course, these were my own observations and do not characterize everyone in this country. The people in the community of Toch Village (the small area we were staying within Kampot Province) who are Christians are commonly the only Christians in their families and are Christians only because the Lord has used Vuthy (our host) in his home, as he was the first Christian there himself. Everyday we visited a blind woman, Ni, praying for healing in the physical sense in addition to her being given sight spiritually. I found myself believing that it would take a miracle for her to be saved (cool story at the bottom about that because it doesn’t fit here). In general, Cambodia has seen a lot of pain. We visited both a memorial site for the Cambodian genocide, which was an old high school the Khmer Rouge converted into a torturous prison during their “reign,” as well as a killing field last weekend where prisoners were taken to be killed in inhumane and grotesque ways, gaining insight into a travesty that shook the country in the 70’s. Due to the recency of the genocide, there are many whose parents experienced such tragedy (Vuthy’s mother being one of them) or remember the country’s dark times themselves.
God’s goodness in the face of suffering is thus a difficult truth to confirm for many here, undoubtedly accentuated by their history. The morning of the women’s event, I prayed about what to say because my life mantra is procrastination. I felt strongly I should talk about the overall theme of pain and trouble yet the need to still give Jesus our complete “yes” and follow Him. I discussed kings I had been reading about in 2 Chronicles. King Ahaz did not do what was pleasing in God’s eyes, as in times of trouble when enemies were attacking him, he turned further away from God. King Hezekiah, however, whose life was devoted to the Lord, declared God’s goodness despite his trials and the taunts of his enemies. In suffering he drew nearer to God. I talked about how God wants our unconditional yes. He wants our total yes to follow Him, not just a maybe, or a yes when life is good. Jesus called the disciples to leave everything to follow Him and they did. In Luke, Jesus calls us to leave our families for His name, promising to bring division between believers and nonbelievers in families. We are called to leave everything to follow Him, not just when it is easy to be a follower but when it is hard and when we feel pressed on all sides.
It’s funny how these words came to me seemingly suddenly, which I assumed meant they were for the women, and they ended up slapping me in the face, teaching me my own lesson. As many know, my mom faces stage four cancer, and the decision to leave on the race was a tough one for this reason. The uncertainties and “what ifs” were crippling in the decision making process, but after prayer and thought, my mom and I both felt led that I should say yes. However, amidst the period of waiting before her last PET scan, incidentally the day after I gave this talk, I was hit with anxiety, worry, and fear. My mind raced with the various outcomes, what my reactions would be, and I began to feel an anticipated anger towards God over imaginary results that had not been what I had been praying for. I don’t know why this particular scan threw me so much, maybe because I’m a whole day away, maybe because of attacks from the enemy, but I do know how I felt.
I was led to the question, does Jesus still have my complete yes – my trust, my faith, my everything – in the pain. Am I fully submitted to God’s will even if I can’t understand it, and do I still trust in His promises in the midst of life’s darkness?
After about two days of anxiety, I heard the results (the results came early, which I believe was a direct answer to prayer) and discovered that my fears of the worst possible outcome were wholly unnecessary, as my mom classified the outcome as “the second best news” and “a testament to God’s love and grace.”
I think sometimes we, as Christians, are scared to admit in the dark times of life, our questioning of the Lord. What I’ve come to potentially learn (probably still have a lot more to learn) is that in submission to Jesus through our decision to follow Him, in this walk with Him, we are also submitting our fears and anxieties. We just have to decide which way we are going to turn in these times of trouble. Are we going to be like King Ahaz who “became even more unfaithful to the Lord” when trouble came (2 Chronicles 28:22) or like King Hezekiah who followed the Lord wholeheartedly and cried out to Him in times of distress (2 Chronicles 32:20)?
To sum it up, I’ll share a quote my mom shared with me in a recent email from the book she is reading which might be Does This Church Make Me Look Fat? but also might not be so let the record show I tried to attribute this quote #journalism.
“People always ask where God is in the midst of suffering. To me it’s a strange question. When you go blind, or a neighbor accidentally kills your son, or when you come down with a spanking case of cancer, God is in exactly the same place where he always is. He’s where you put him. The thing about free will, is that God respects our right to choose. Do we want to connect with him, or do we want to live a life without him? We get to pick. If in the midst of our suffering, we call on God to sustain us, then that’s where God will be. If, on the other hand, we choose to weather life’s storms without seeking God’s presence, we can do that.”
Cool story about Ni that I wanted to share but that fit nowhere
(if you want to hear more, go to my teammate Jaclyn’s blog, as she will share a lengthier blog on the subject.
My teammate, Jaclyn, shared with me about a week ago that she felt led very strongly the first time we met Ni to quite literally rub mud on her eyes (like in the Gospels) and pray for healing. She asked me to pray about it. Thinking she was a little crazy but also not trying to question the mysterious workings of God, I prayed about it. The whole team prayed over the idea as we continued to visit her everyday. Every day we prayed that she would be healed, but that more importantly, she would come to see Him. We were all feeling led to partner with the Lord in obedience and pitched (what we regarded was) the crazy idea to her. She was enthusiastic and receptive. We had intentionally prayed about what each of us was going to do. Jaclyn shared some words, Marissa and others mixed mud, others put it on her eyes and washed it off, and I played the guitar and sang with everyone else. To our dismay, she wasn’t healed. Looking around at each other, a little confused, a little disappointed, and a little awkward, we didn’t know what to do next. I felt led to just go for it and invite her to accept the Lord, as we had been reading her Bible stories close to everyday. I asked the team what they thought, and Jaclyn said she had felt someone should, she just didn’t think it was her.
Never having led someone through the process of accepting the Lord, I prayed He would give me the words to say. My teammates can attest to the fact that He did, as moments before as I was game planning what to say, things were coming out as confusing and lacking any sense of flow. After sharing a little bit, she said yes. Our eyes were wide with disbelief. Sometimes the Lord moves in very mysterious ways. However, please continue to pray for Ni, as she lives completely alone, can’t see so in result clearly can’t read a Bible, and is new in her faith. Pray more people are sent to her to encourage her in her relationship with Him.
