Sometimes this feeling, this unsettling feeling controls me. This feeling will consume my thoughts, making me look at everything irrationally. It will consume my motions, making me most likely not fully play things out.
This feeling is fear.
And I have been thinking about it a lot lately.
The funny thing is… I came into South Africa with a polar opposite word on my mind. (It was fearless.)
So why in the world have I been thinking about fear so much?
Honestly I have to admit, it’s because since being here we have started going downhill. It’s the second half of the race. The finish line is closer than the starting line. Some days it’s just really hard to stay present. It’s hard to look at what is here now. I have changed. The race has made me look at life differently. And I am thankful, but I’m also fearful.
I am fearful because when I reunite with my family, I don’t want them to think differently of me, because I’m different than when they let me go. I am fearful because the sweet community I have become engulfed in won’t be with me every moment anymore. I’m fearful that I won’t find community as sweet as this. I’m fearful because friends I left behind are no longer friends I will come home to. It all boils down to the fact that I’m so fearful of becoming lonely.
Now when I think about the fear of being lonely, I remind myself how utterly irrational that fear is. How can I be lonely when I have such a big God? How can I be lonely when I truly believe that God is my best friend? Why do I believe this lie in my head that God will let me become lonely? Those are questions I ask myself. Questions I ponder. Questions that always come back to the same answers.
He will not leave me astray. He will leave the ninety-nine. With Him loneliness is not possible. So I have to be confident that even if people don’t accept the change inside of me, it is not a punishment, it is not my fault. Going home might be scary; it might not be something I’m comfortable with. But if I have learned anything it’s that uncomfortableness brings growth, and growth is good.
