Today is Valentine’s Day in the states and as cliché as it sounds, I woke up this morning with this rushing feeling of being completely and fully loved. The lyrics,
“It chases me down, fights til’ I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine”
played over in my head and I rested right there. I imagined someone constantly chasing after me. How creepy is that? Then I thought about God, our Father. Most of you know that I did not grow up in the orthodox family and that I was raised by my great grandmother. She is the first and most relevant parental figure that I have to base my ideas of what a mother and a father looks like. So here I am, thinking about my Grandma chasing me down, fighting until I’m found, leaving my brother and my cousin, to find little ole me. Whoa. This shook me. My grandma was so precious and loved me so much even when it did not feel like it, I knew she loved me. As this imagine comes to mind, I start to get frustrated with myself wondering, “Where did you go, why is she having to find you?” Now all the thoughts start coming in… I start thinking about how I just like to get away to get some alone time to do what I want and not what I should be doing. Ms. Independent; needing nothing from no one. Yet, she’s chasing me down and fighting until I’m found… This breaks my heart, and immediately I start spewing out the next part,
“I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still you give yourself away”.
How inconsiderate and inconvenient it is of me to just go off. I don’t deserve to be found, I deserve to get lost and to be stuck. But no, there she is, giving herself and her time away to find me. “I love my grandma”, I think to myself. Even if I went off, it was never my intentions for her to have to come find me. I then decided to find myself in this illusion and make my way back to her. I tell her, “I may slip up and fall sometimes but I love you, I may think the wrong thoughts sometimes, but I love you. And she smiles as she already knows me, just like God our Father.
One thing I noticed was my immediate reaction to tell her that I did not mean to get lost and that my intentions were pure. Even still, I know in my heart that sometimes I rather be lost. Then I thought again, my grandma would be fully aware of when I did something on purpose and when it was an accident, but her devotion does not change.
“You see the depth of my heart and you love me the same, you are amazing God”
My grandmother is not God but putting all things into perspective, she is he representative and thankfully for me, she did an excellent job here on Earth showing me the love of Christ. What an amazing and reckless love we are freely given yet we often make others work for.
