I’m still not sorry for being different.
So what was that all about? As you’ve been reading in my blogs, God has been pretty amazing lately. Showing and teaching me amazing things, using me in amazing ways, lifting me up to the peak of my faith journey thus far. And as I stood in that place, seeing so much of the glory of God, the satan tried to pull me back down.
“You’re not worthy of it. Each day you sin and fall short of His glory. Each day you allow yourself to be tripped up in the snares and traps I lay for you. You’re still struggling with the same problems that God is constantly helping you out of. You’re a disobedient failure, quit fighting so hard to lose.”
It’s funny how we can know a lie to be a lie and keep right on believing it. Or maybe we don’t believe it, but we let it control our thoughts and our actions. I got stuck in a place of spiritual stagnation, feeling just as weak, and broken, and useless as I felt when I started this journey. My prayer life was more of a formality, and I was back to trying to do everything on my own.
But, God is good. So good.
He pointed to the people around me who are still building me up. He pointed to the people around me that I am still serving in faith, even when it’s harder than it’s ever been. He pointed to the shackles He broke away so long ago. He pointed to the beautiful life He has called me to.
A few deep and intense conversations later, the Lord and my teammates helped me return to the truth and joy. Then God spoke to me loud and clear.
“Ask Me for pain.”
I thought immediately about how much I’ve learned in times of pain, and how much it has taught me about trusting and depending on the Lord. I must have a new lesson to learn. left the table and headed for the roof.
I sat down in prayer and asked, “God, am I not already feeling pain? This sucks right now. I feel so far from you, and I’m trying so hard to get back and do better. But I’m sitting here struggling with the same old problems and temptations that I always have.”
So, I wrote a poem about it. Then I didn’t really know what to do, so I opened my Bible and read Jude. And just like to Jesus in the desert, satan came to lie to me again.
“You’re like one of these false teachers Jude is writing about. You keep on sinning and then you turn around and preach on grace and living in righteousness.”
But God shut the enemy up with truth:
“To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.”
??Jude? ?1:24-25? ?
“Isaiah, ask Me for pain. Trust Me, and rely on Me. I Am who I Am.”
So, I asked God for pain. I asked for pain that would hurt me and no one else. I asked for pain that would bring me closer to Him.
I moved over to a different bench with a view of the ocean. I sat and marveled at the beauty for a few minutes. Then, in an instant,
Pain.
Absolute anguish and darkness. I hit my knees. It was like I just learned that everyone in this world that I loved had just died without a heaven to go to. And I was about to go to a prison to be kept alive and tortured for the rest of my days. It was as if hope, joy, happiness, light, goodness, beauty, everything positive, no longer existed or ever did. Unspeakable, horrible, unimaginable pain. I wanted it to end so badly. There was no catharsis, no way to handle it, no way to escape it. I couldn’t even cry.
I have no idea how long this lasted, but I was on my back now, with my hands over my eyes. Then it ended as God spoke.
“I Am here. I Am always here. I will always be here. I Am with you. I love you. You now know how it feels to be separated from me. Life and death without salvation. Hell. What it feels like to be forsaken apart from Me. Trust in Me, and I will keep you from stumbling, now walk in the light.”
The light blinded me as I opened my eyes. For a second, I thought God had decided to take away my eyesight to make this lesson in dependence stick. I thank Him that He did not. Instead what He did do, was far more powerful.
He, once again, used pain to transform me and make me new. Even as I write this, I still haven’t grasped the intensity and gravity of what happened in this trance-like encounter with God.
There seems to be a theme in my life, where I physically open my eyes as God has done something new in me, and my soul and spirit see things in a totally new way.
Don’t worry, I know I will sound insane when I can say with all truth, “I know Hell is real because I’ve felt it.” But serving Jesus is always insanity. It’s also amazing.
The next day, with a profoundly transformed view of my God and this world, I got to see just how loving and good He is. He knew exactly what I needed, brought it to me, and told me what to do next.
At our village ministry, we met a man who had left the church to consult voodoo priests. Just like in my previous blog, God led me into prayer and authority over evil. I asked Him for the name of the voodoo spirit that was oppressing this man. It was the creole word for imitate. A spirit of imitation of evil that he had seen in his grandmother’s practice of voodoo. We cast it away in the name of Jesus, and the man’s defenses fell. He had a peace about him as we prayed for healing for his eyesight that was being worsened by the witchcraft**, and we continue to pray that he will make Jesus his Lord and savior when he is ready.
Next, we went to a school that was run by a church. I listened to the pastor explain his vision for raising up leaders, discipling them to lead by following Jesus, and the role of the local church/body of Christ in the revival of Haiti. It sounded nearly identical to the vision God has given for my life globally. We talked about our roles of obedience as apostles in all of this kingdom growth. We talked well over an hour and exchanged information to do ministry together some day.
In the afternoon, we met a man who had heard the gospel, but thought he had to go to church to choose salvation. He hadn’t been going to church because he was afraid of judgement for not having nice clothes. We got to share the truth with him that the church is anywhere that two or more people gather in the name of Jesus, and it’s not a building, and it definitely shouldn’t be judging him. We also taught him told him that we were the church and we came to him. He surrendered his life to Jesus with so much joy in his newfound truth.
It was an amazing day where God was glorified, and it was an added bonus that through His glory, God showed me so much love by specifically and perfectly meeting my needs in Him. He gave me a day of listening to Him, trusting Him, and seeing His goodness with each obedient step.
**And a couple days later, we got to return to see the man oppressed by the demon! On Monday he was full of fear and darkness, pacing in circles, resisting the truth we told him. On Wednesday he was smiling and full of joy. I asked what had changed, and he said he felt at peace. And his eye sight had healed too! Praise and glory to God! On Monday he couldn’t read with his eyesight, Wednesday he read Jude 24,25! The demon was gone and he had peace and freedom. And I learned, he was pastor Elysse’s brother!!! Look at God!
He is alive, and He is so good.
