Sofia, Bulgaria: an immaculate city full of beauty, history, and kindness. As I took my first walk around the city, I was blown away by the layout and grandeur. The architecture, statues, fountains, roads, Roman ruins, the beautiful parks. Everything gleaming white as it roared quietly, nature woven into the urban solidarity. I was filled so much awe and optimism. “I never want to leave this city.” I thought to myself. But, after day came night, and after night came day two.
I woke up bitter and cold. The night before, I was trying to make friends in the hostel we stayed in, getting to know them and seeking a chance to tell them about Jesus. I hadn’t made it to that topic yet when they invited me to come smoke weed with them. Enter: Inner Turmoil. I had just finished up the biggest month of personal growth I’ve ever had while in Romania. I had gotten so close with the Lord and learned so much about myself. I had found healing from things in my past and hope for my future in Christ. Now I was staring down the old coping mechanism I had used for ten years of covering pain, finding “happiness”, making friends, and amplifying and numbing my emotions.
“No, thanks. I’m good tonight.” I sat on that couch wanting to join them. I wanted to smoke, and laugh, and make some new French and Dutch friends. In that moment I was only saying no because I knew it would lead to trouble for my World Race and I didn’t want to lose out on this journey. As they left, I was both proud and bitter. Half of me was saying “Weed isn’t even a bad thing. I still have a sober mind when I use it in moderation, and I could’ve used it to tell these new friends about Jesus.”
Then the Lord reminded me of the ten years I spent searching for every opportunity to smoke and forget about the emptiness I felt inside of me. The “non-addictive” drug that controlled my bank account, my motivation, my ambition, my friendships, my relationships, my mood, my sports, my academics, my honesty, my integrity, my life. It might not be chemically addictive, but it sure makes it hard your mind to say “no” to it. I don’t know that marijuana is problematic for everyone, but it definitely became a problem for me.
I became very glad that I said no. I wasn’t sitting there judging them, or even thinking they were doing some terrible thing. That’s still not how I feel about it. I find myself wondering if smoking is a bad thing or something that God can be glorified in. I sat there judging myself for the way I was a victim to my old habit, and the years of unhealthy coping. I was angry with myself for wanting to run to a drug when I had just spent a month learning that Christ is all I need in my life. I was angry that I couldn’t go enjoy something because of rules. I was angry that the existence of two different opinions about something automatically makes it wrong. I was angry that I didn’t tell those people about Jesus regardless because of my own weakness and dependency.
I went to bed angry, but I didn’t fall asleep for a long time. I said no to one bad habit, then immediately, I gave in to another one. My oldest addiction: porn. I woke up angry and hating myself. How could I be wrestling with all of these old problems that I just found freedom from? It felt like I was ripping up the foundation God had just helped me build the month before.
We had a morning session of worship and teaching. I sat on that same couch as the night before, completely checked out. It felt as though every demon I had ever battled with was sitting at my back, pushing me down and laughing at me. I felt so weak and powerless, and I let those demons have their way with me. As our mentor, Teresa, was speaking to us, I was listening only to fire back in my mind. I began to question everything she was saying to us. My mind was battling itself.
“Why would I want to live a life like this? I don’t want to be constantly battling demons and saying no to things I enjoy. I don’t want to live every day trying not to smoke, or drink, or watch porn, or be selfish. Those things are so comfortable for me, why should I give them up? This is stupid. I don’t even know if I want this? Do I believe anything Teresa is saying right now? Do I even believe in God? I’ve failed to follow up with anyone I’ve ever told about Jesus. I don’t even see the fruit of evangelizing. I keep hearing these stories of how God moves, but I never see it for myself. I’ve tried pursuing Him my whole life and I’m still stuck in the same old mud. I don’t really feel God’s love. I have to try hard to actually care about other people. How was I planning on being a missionary when I don’t even believe any of this? I don’t have any proof that He is even real to me. I’m not even a Christian.”
I sat on that couch in angry tears. Even in that moment, I knew everything my mind was racing over was a lie. It was the enemy whispering in my ear and trying to pull me away from the Lord, but I chose to believe those lies. I allowed my mind to block out the truth and ignore what I already knew. Teresa announced that there would be a 30 minute break before another teaching.
I hustled down the stairs to the street. I starting walking on a mission to hit something, buy cigarettes and whiskey, and wander off into Sofia and forget about the World Race and my faith. I made it a few blocks and wanted to break down, but there were too many people around. Thank God for embarrassment and dignity. I wandered into an old rundown building’s parking lot and bloodied my knuckles on the bark of a sycamore tree. I sat down crying and feeling lost.
As I sat next to dog poop and broken bottles, crying with achy, bloody hands, two people from my squad were walking by. I saw them, but I don’t think they saw me. In that moment, I knew that those two people loved me. They didn’t even have to notice that I was there struggling. I just knew that there was someone around who would’ve cared. “God, help me.” I couldn’t even pray more than that. Those demons were oppressing every thought in my mind.
God gave me enough strength to go back for the second teaching. I ended up dozing off and missing most of it. I knew that if I let this keep going on it would have horrible consequences. We had a lunch break, so I grabbed my bible and journal and went to a park. I sat on a bench right behind a beautiful Russian Orthodox Church. I sat there still unable to speak to God or try to listen to Him, so I tried to just enjoy the beautiful church and nature around me. After a few moments, an old lady who was hunched over her waist and wearing a bonnet, started walking a semi-circle around me saying something in Bulgarian. I saw her make a sweeping motion towards her feet, which I had seen someone do before in the Orthodox Church. “Holy crap. This lady can sense the demons attacking me and is praying them away,” I thought.
She walked to another bench and began feeding the pigeons. I started journaling and thanking God for this woman. I felt peace. I wrote about all that was going on in my mind and spirit. I read Acts 10 and verse 38 stuck out to me.
“You know Jesus, how God anointed Him with Holy Spirit with power, and how He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with Him.” –Acts 10:38
I knew I was that one being oppressed by the devil, and I knew God was there with me. I felt an immense peace. Two other people were sitting with the old woman now, and they kept looking at me and talking. I decided to get up and go speak to them. They didn’t speak much English, but they were asking if I was cold (in shorts and sandals). I told them I was cold, but okay. Then I asked if the old lady was praying for me earlier. They all laughed. “No. She ask for money.” I smiled and handed her my lunch money. She was appreciative and I went back to journaling. The city was testing some type of alert siren, and it was deafening. I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts, yet I felt so at peace.
As the day went on, my struggles weren’t over. The fact that I was wrong about the old woman’s intentions was growing doubt in my mind. I knew that God just gave me His word in Acts 10:38, but I chose, again, to believe the lie that it was insignificant.
After dinner that night, I was out with squad mates just exploring the city and having fun. It was a really good time. But as we were out exploring, I chose to keep getting drinks. I just wanted to get drunk and forget about the struggles of the day. I knew I was breaking World Race rules, but I didn’t really care. I was thinking negative thoughts, speaking negative words, and still wrestling with my doubt and anger. I was still so unsure of what I believed, and felt, and wanted. I quickly remembered how much alcohol depresses me and makes things worse. It was a fun night, but I went to bed feeling miserable about myself.
I woke up late for our team leader meeting. We discussed the qualities that a leader needs to walk strongly in, and one jumped off the page at me: “Integrity”. I decided to try to have some integrity, and told everyone at the table that I broke a rule and got drunk the night before. I made a rule to myself long before the race that I wasn’t going to drink alcohol because I knew I lacked self-control and it affected me in negative ways. It was very freeing. I was thankful that everyone was going to help keep me accountable in not drinking the rest of the Race.
After that meeting, we had more worship and teaching. As we sang out worship songs, I lay on my face in the back of the room bawling. God ended my struggle and called me back to Him. I prayed in Jesus name that He would send away all those demons trying to attack me. I prayed for the armor of God to protect me. I apologized to God for all my doubt and disbelief. I was laying there remembering every little moment in my life it seemed. Every time I sinned, every time I felt depressed or angry, every time I coped in an unhealthy way, every time I was selfish, every time I chose not to love someone. I realized that there has never been a moment in my life where God didn’t give me the choice. Whether in my head or my heart, I always knew what the right choice was. I always knew which way God would have me choose. Most of the time I ignored Him and chose wrong, thinking it would make me feel better. It never did.
In those moments with my face pressed against tear flooded linoleum, I felt the overwhelming love of God in my heart. He reminded me that I’ve had it my whole life, and that I will always have it. Even when I ignore Him, rebel against Him, or try not to believe in Him, He has still loved me the whole time.
COMFORT IS NOT THE SAME AS LOVE.
I’ve gone my whole life wishing they were the same thing, but they aren’t. I’ve wanted God to do nothing but comfort me and keep me cozy. He does that when we need it, but true love can be tough love.
Sometimes love looks like God allowing us to go through trial after trial after trial before we learn to really love Him and rely on Him. Sometimes it looks like standing in front of 45 people and confessing your deepest darkest secrets (very uncomfortable). Sometimes it looks like having a hard conversation to help someone better themselves instead of avoiding conflict. Sometimes it looks like missing out on building and tending a fire (one of my favorite activities) because there are too many hands on the burn pile, and you need to do all the sweeping instead (one of my least favorite activities). Sometimes it looks like walking away from toxic friendships and relationships when you really want to help that person, but it is killing you in the process. Sometimes it looks like denying yourself the comfortable pleasures of smoking, and drinking, and watching porn, and lying, and self-serving, and trying to avoid a guilty conscience. Sometimes it looks like writing a blog that you didn’t want to write because it may help someone.
I didn’t want to write this blog.
I didn’t want to write this blog because my blogs all seem to be about the same struggles with a focus on my short comings and self-negativity.
I didn’t want to write this blog because I keep writing about sin, and I just want my friends who don’t follow Christ to know the Love of God.
I didn’t want to write this blog because I don’t want people to think that I’m some self-righteous, judgmental hypocrite.
I didn’t want to write this blog because I don’t want other Christians to judge me if I don’t share the same convictions as them.
I didn’t want to write this blog because I think I’m supposed to be some perfect model of Christ, and I’m not.
I didn’t want to write this blog because I feel like I’m supposed to have all the answers and never fall short.
I didn’t want to write this blog, but I did.
My struggles on the race haven’t been much fun, but they are teaching me so much. I could write about the awesome adventures we go on, or the cool things we see, or the amazing ways God uses us to help people (and I will write about all of these things), but right now I’m writing about my struggles because God is allowing me to go through them for a reason and I’m praying that this story glorifies God and helps someone realize His love.
I’m learning that I don’t know much. I’m just a 23 year old kid and I don’t need to have all the answers. I don’t know that much about life, or theology of the bible, or how to answer the hard questions. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about most issues or policies. I don’t know why bad things happen to the innocent. I don’t know why people chose evil. I don’t know how to fix all the world’s problems, or even some of the problems inside myself quite yet. I know we continue to learn and grow wiser each day, but I also know the old, wise people admit they don’t really know much either. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing after the World Race. I don’t know who I am supposed to marry or if I’m even supposed to marry. I don’t know what troubles of the world I’ll have to face, or my kids will have to face. I don’t know how much longer the world is going to last. I just don’t know much.
But I do know that God loves us. He promises that He will never stop loving us. He promises us a perfect and eternal life in Heaven with unending love. And for me, that’s quite enough. It covers up all the things I don’t know. It covers up all the struggles of this world in life. It covers up all the times it’s hard to love myself. I know that “Love covers a multitude of sins” and “perfect love casts out fear.” I know that the only way we can really get anything done is wit God’s love and help.
