“The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying, ‘Arise and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause you to hear my words.’ Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was ruined in the hand of the potter…”
+ Jeremiah 18:1-4
***
“If you have anything white that you brought along for the next week and a half, it will be a lovely shade of red by the end of it all.”
Hmmm. Something about that seems prophetic.
That was one of the first things I was told entering into training camp for the Race in Georgia back in June. And they were right, most things I allowed to make contact with that soil DID turn a shade of red. That’s Georgia clay for ya.
Stress on the word “allowed.”
Obviously, I did my best to make sure my belongings made as little contact with the ground as possible. No shirts nor socks lying about, walking on grass or pavement as much as possible. And apart from my shoes, nothing else of my belongings became eternally red!
Upon reflection that seemingly simple little anecdote holds a lot of meaning to me.
You see, in my faith walk I have come to realize that I was doing my best, but not in serving God. No, rather I was doing my best in finding every reason to AVOID God. Avoid evangelizing to that coworker, avoid talking to someone about my struggles OR about theirs, avoid quality time in prayer, communion, or study of the Word, etc.
Oh I knew what I should know (or at least what I thought I should). As I put it later, I knew God in my head, but not so much my heart.
Do you know what has come of living that life of walking that fine line? Of having a relationship with Christ but not living it outwardly nor in my heart; neither in the steps I take nor the words I breathe?
Nothing.
Nothing good; nothing bad either. Just nothing. An emptiness. A void. An abyss.
But then enter training camp. I am surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ who are absolutely ON FIRE for Christ, and the whole experience is alien to me, admittedly. I never lived with such a ferocity; such passion, and I had trouble putting my full weight on that notion. So often I have seen the hand raising during worship in church (I didn’t know jumping was a thing during worship but I found out that in a lot of other churches across the US that it most definitely is a thing) and my immediate thought when I see that is, “Man, I wish I could feel as elated in my faith as they appear to be.”
And that left a hunger in me, a hunger to be satisfied by God alone, and I didn’t know how to receive that nourishment anymore. I was in no routine time with God (and I’ll be transparent in letting you know I still am not; among the things I am glad this year will help me refocus on). Worse still, doubts and fears had overtaken me over time in my faith. That “God is bigger than your problems” mantra we’ve all heard in church over and over again? Yeah, I made God pretty small with low expectations…
* * *
Now I wish I could write of all the experiences I had at camp (there were not a few, and one after the other my soul was touched profoundly). It was a blessed time with great teachers and leaders; I wish you all could meet in person some of the absolute WONDERFUL people that are the hands and feet of God on this earth at Adventures in Missions. These people shared powerful testimonies, moving faith moments, and life lessons of which I did the best I could to record every word.
So permit me to give you the “highlight reel”, so to speak.
Two phrases really leaped out and grabbed me by the scruff of my neck over the course of those 10 days and I am thankful for the man God used to place them upon my heart.
The first (and I paraphrase, don’t sue me!) went something to the tune of, “I can share all of these wonderful experiences in my faith, but if you don’t step out in faith yourself; if you rely on sharing my testimony instead of creating your own, you have a false testimony.”
And if that wasn’t a good enough punch to the gut:
“You can’t be full of the Holy Spirit if you are full of something else.” (You know, the whole “God and mammon” thing)
There’s the right hook.
And the one-two KO punch?
It didn’t come from anyone else but from God himself.
See, I walked away that day hearing those words and asked God to really show me what I was full of; what was I letting fill me up inside instead of Him. Was in the social media I admittedly drowned myself in each day or the other daily diversions? The political banter I engaged in online? Was it me not spending enough time in study and prayer? No. No, the answer was something even simpler, and when I asked Him, I heard, clear as crystal, “Doubt and fear.”
And I knew it was true.
Now all those other things were true as well, but these two were the truest of them all. “You doubt what I can do, Thomas. Your faith only goes as far as you can see; the very material things and little more. Anything past that you just as soon avoid approaching.”
I believed infrequently in modern day miracles, and even less so in miraculous healing. I’d never heard someone speak in tongues before. And evangelism? Well, to say the least would involve me saying that a direct approach is not answer, and I’d leave it at that.
But when I reflected on the two phrases I stated above, and when I ruminated over my own doubt and fear, and God and Satan fought it out inside of me, I decided to do the only thing I hadn’t tried.
I leaped…
(***PART 2 TOMORROW!!)
