Situation #1 Praying as a group “God put us in a position to have to rely on you. It’s so easy to live day to day, thinking we can do it on our own. Make us be dependent on you.”
Situation #2 We are suppose to arrive at the airport 4 hours before our flight. The shuttles arrive 20 minutes late and I realize it’s an hour drive to the airport, therefore we will only be 3 hours early for our flight.
Surely that’s enough time…
Situation #3 Praying in the shuttle “Lord we surrender this day to you. We say it is yours and we tell you to do what you please. Give us peace, patience and trust when things don’t go how we planned them. I have done the best I could, so I will not let the outcome of today dictate if today was a success or fail. I’ve done my best so that makes today a success.”
Situation #4 We successfully made it to the airport with plenty of time and started the check-in process.
Situation #5 As I finished directing the last of my squad-mates to the check-in counters, I reached for my passport, only to find it missing. In sheer panic my mind raced to figure out where it might be. Then suddenly I remembered that our hostel held on to it until I payed fully, but once I made the final payment, they never gave it back.
Situation #6 Amber and I rushed outside to request a Grab to drive an hour back to the hostel to get it. When trying to request a grab, the server wasn’t working so we couldn’t find a driver.
Situation #7 In the midst of failing to request a Grab, we decided to try and get a taxi but realized we had no cash to pay the driver. So, Amber ran back upstairs to see if our squad-mates had any extra cash we could have and reimburse them later. As soon as she asked one person, our whole squad gathered around and gave her every bit of extra currency they had.
We seriously have the best squad and community anyone could ever ask for!
Situation #8 Once Amber returned we proceeded to try and buy a ticket for a taxi but when I showed the help-desk-lady the address she looked at me extremely confused. I looked at the screen of my phone and saw I was receiving a call. Answering it, I discovered it was a Grab driver. Although we had canceled our request and exited the app, somehow he picked-up our request and was at the airport ready to pick us up
no doubt a miracle from God
Situation #9 I jumped in the front seat and told our driver, “Okay, I need you to drive really fast because we have to get to this destination AND BACK to catch our flight that’s in exactly 2 hours.” He willingly proceeded to drive as if we were in the Fast and the Furious! GREATLY APPRECIATED!
Situation #10 After enjoying a pleasantly fast ride and good conversation with our driver, he informed us that he couldn’t take us back and we would have to request another Grab. Because he was such a kind man he ended the ride on his phone early so that we could request another ride before we even arrived at the hostel.
Situation #11 As Amber carried ALL MY BAGS, I sprinted into the hostel to inform them they still had my passport. Wide-eyed and very concerned he handed me my passport and sent me on my way.
Situation #12 As we entered the Grab to head back to the airport, I informed our new driver of the situation; “I need you to drive fast because we have 1 hour to get back to the airport for our flight.” Also wide-eyed, he stepped on it.
Situation #13 As we were about 20 minutes away we got a glimmer of hope. Dark thunder clouds began to roll in and it started to rain. Wow God. I see you. You are so sovereign. Only you can delay a plane due to weather so that we make this flight. I began to imagine my reaction to walking up to the gate or on to the plane, hearing my squad-mates cheering in amazement of God’s most recent miracle. God, my only reaction would be to fall on my face in awe and reverence and tears at how good you are.
Situation #14 We arrived RIGHT IN FRONT of the counter we needed to check-in to. With miraculous strength I flung my big pack onto my shoulder and ran to the check-in, only to find out I was at the wrong counter. The counter I was suppose to be at was dark and abandoned.
Situation #15 I ran to the information/help desk for them to inform me that the gate already made their last call and it would not be possible to make the flight.
Situation #16 Fighting back tears I walked back to Amber to break the news but she was on the phone. One of our squad-mates called to let us talk to the gate attendant who was desperately doing everything he could to help us. He told us to go to counter J.
Situation #17 With renewed hope we ran over to counter J. Now this man was on the phone with the gate attendant who was trying to help up. After a few moments he hung up the phone and informed us that the gate was already closed and there was no possible way for us to make that flight…
Yep.
No happy ending.
We missed our flight.
And I was pissed.
Pissed at myself and pissed at God.
Preface: this past week I have been extremely mad and frustrated with God because multiple times I’ve asked Him for things in faith and He hasn’t come through. Whether I interceded for months or hours, I prayed and believed with EVERYTHING in my being that He was going to give me these good gifts.
In Matthew 7:9-11, it says;
“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
AND WHEN I ASKED HE DIDN’T COME THROUGH…
What kind of crap is that? After this past week I told God, “I’m done asking you for things because I rather not have because I didn’t ask, than me asking, having full faith in you and being disappointed over and over. I’m done. I can’t handle the disappointment anymore.”
All He said was “just keep asking.” These words came to mind in situation #13. So I decided to take a risk and ask again…. “God, we believe you can miraculously delay this plane so that we make this flight. Please God.” And guess what?
HE DIDN’T COME THROUGH AGAIN!!!
And I broke.
Screw faith! I’m tired of having so much faith and hope in God to pull through and Him let me down over and over again. I rather not have faith to begin with so that I don’t have to be disappointed. I’m done. I rather live a mediocre Christian life, than have faith and get hurt. The thing is, if I don’t have faith, I won’t ask for things in faith, I won’t expect anything from God, and Satan won’t attack me because I’ll no longer be a threat…that’s sounds so much better than continuing to get my heart broken by God who is suppose to be a good Father wanting to give His children good gifts. If you’re so big and mighty and sovereign and love us so much….. where are you at?!?! I look like an idiot by putting my trust in you when you don’t show up.
Missionary of the year award, right?
EVERYTHING in me wanted to give up. Wanted to throw in the towel. Wanted to build up every wall to protect myself from getting hurt.
But I couldn’t.
I hit rock bottom. I was hurt, frustrated and disappointed. But no matter what happens in life, there’s something inside of me that just can’t let go and give up on God.
As I was voicing all my thoughts and frustrations to Amber she asked, “Do you believe God is good? Do you believe God is faithful?”
Through tears…
“Yes.”
“Yes!”
How? How can crazy, terrible, frustrating things keep happening and me keep running back into the arms of God? That doesn’t make sense.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome.
I am literally insane for still believing and trusting in God.
Amber responded, “The fact that you can still say yes shows that there’s no way God doesn’t exist. The fact that everything in you wants to give up and let go but can’t, doesn’t make sense. It shows that God is pursuing you and His Holy Spirit is strong inside of you. And that is just as big of a testimony as any report of a miracle.”
Y’all.
This world FREAKING SUCKS!
There are constantly terrible things happening.
I see death and poverty happen to people who do not deserve it. And no, I don’t know why.
BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP ON GOD.
I am still frustrated.
I still don’t understand why bad things happen.
I still don’t know why I missed my flight or why I still don’t have the spiritual gifts I’ve asked for.
BUT WHAT I DO KNOW:
God is so real.
He is still good.
He is still faithful.
He loves and pursues us recklessly.
No circumstance changes the character of God.
He’s given me so many things, just maybe not exactly what I’m asking for in the moment.
It’s actually not about me!
So as scary and hard as it is, I will continue to take the risk of getting hurt and being disappointed because God is worth it.
I’d rather live a Holy Spirit lead life, being attacked by Satan and not understanding all of God’s reasonings, than being a culture Christian who Satan’s not threatened by because I’m not making an impact for the Kingdom of God.
I’m still mad. I’m still disappointed. I still don’t understand.
But I refuse to give up.
