Today was our last day of debrief, and our last night together as a squad for several months. A few people shared their testimonies of the Race so far and how they have changed, and the Lord pushed me into sharing mine as well. Evidently, sharing it with the squad wasn’t enough, so here I am now sharing it with you.
From the time that I first applied, I have been in contact with several previous racer’s and any advice they had or what they had learned from coming on the race. I received a mostly unanimous answer that they found their identity. I was most excited for this aspect of the race because I felt like I didn’t really know who I was. So far on the race I felt the Lord calling me to identify and reject the lies I believed about myself, mainly that I wasn’t enough. I’ve identified them, spoken truth over them, sat with the truth, and let go of the pain that was caused by them. I truly felt a cleaning out of a sort. I got rid of the junk, the trash, the useless garbage.
The only thing I didn’t count on was the empty space left behind. Now that I have gotten rid of those lies about my identity, who am I?
I was asked to be one of two worship coordinators for our squad, and to be real with you, my first thought was “uhm no I definitely can’t do that. I don’t know anything about worship. Why in the world did they pick me?” but part of the reason that I said yes was because I knew I could leave it up to the other person to do most of the work and planning.
Today I was having a deep conversation with one of my squad mates about how she connects with the Lord, and she shared with me how important words are to her, and that she connects with the Lord through writing poetry. I told her that was so wonderful, and (if you can’t tell) I love words too, and poetry was something I always wished I could get into, but I didn’t have any confidence that I could do it well enough to be worth it. In response to this, Emily told me to write a poem. Immediately, I wanted to say no. Every muscle in my body cringed and I had a voice screaming in my head that there was no way I could do that. I don’t know anything about poetry. There are so many rules, so many kinds, I don’t even know where to start. To Emily, none of that mattered. She told me to go write a poem, so I hesitantly said yes, fully believing that I would not end up writing anything at all. However, the Lord stepped in.
I spent the afternoon sitting by the water, observing the waves. I took a sunset boat ride with some friends and finished writing the poem that I didn’t know existed within me. After dinner, Emily and I sat down and shared the poems we had written that afternoon with each other. I don’t know if I have ever been more terrified of something in my life that sitting in front of someone I love and respect so deeply and having to read out loud the scrambled cluster of words I had written.
After I had finished reading my poem, Emily looked at me and said “when you feel doubt, when you think you can’t do something, whenever you doubt yourself, read that poem.”
I challenged my squad into this, and I challenge you too. How do you doubt yourself? What would it take for someone to ask you something, and your first instinct be to say no and run away? Now what can you use as a reminder, a tangible thing you can hold and see, that reminds you there is no room for doubt in the Lord? You don’t need to doubt yourself because that is the beauty of the fullness we have in God. He fills those holes that we seek out and find. In full vulnerability, here is a part of the poem I wrote this evening.
She felt blind, stepping out on faith alone.
She couldn’t see the first step or how to get there.
She stepped back and asked “does the step even exist, or will I fall?”
There came that still small voice
“I am here, trust me. Step out, I will not let you fall.
With my foundation under your feet, you will never fall.”
He looked forward and saw Him there
She stepped, there was nothing firm under her
Except the water rippling between her toes.
It made no sense, but it didn’t matter.
Why? Because He was there before her
How can anything else compare to His presence?
Step after step, she followed Him
Step after step, the water was under her feet
Step after step, wave after wave, away from the shore.
Into uncertainty, possessing only blind faith.
