When you feel beaten and broken
by Hallye Jerkins
Hi everyone! I guess I should start by introducing myself…I’m Hallye and I first met Shannon when I got hired at Homestead in 2014, however, Shannon and I did not become really close friends until last school year (what was taking us so long, Shan?!). So what brought me here is that Shannon has asked me to write a guest blog about my “race” at home. Well, if you know me, you know that this is WAY out of my comfort zone and puts me in a position to be vulnerable. Again, if you know me, you know how much I love that…insert anxious emoji face. However, when your best friend/person (if you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you totally get this reference!) asks you to do something, you don’t say no! My initial thoughts were “Why would anyone want to read about my ‘race’?” and “What in the world would I write about?” For the past few months, these are the questions that have come up in my conversations with God. So here is what I believe I am “supposed to” write.
I wish I could tell you that my race has been totally full of beautiful things, adventures and life changing moments, but that has not been the case (so far). My race has beaten me and left me with a feeling of brokeness. Sorry for the dramatics, but stick with me! Life has been throwing things at me left and right these last 6 months. I found myself single again, my best friend left for 11 months, the anniversary of someone’s death that I loved deeply, I was in a wreck and totalled my car, I attempted to date (if you are single and dating, you totally get why this is on the list), I felt ineffective at my job while feeling overwhelmed and overworked, my beloved 3 year old dog, Ryder, had surgery for a collapsing trachea which has an average post surgery lifespan of 24 months, along with other “normal adult” responsibilities. Again, the feeling of being beaten and broken are overwhelming.
I can’t help but think of the story of Job and how incredibly hard that book of the Bible is to read. That man was the definition of beaten and broken, from losing his livestock and his children to having sores all over his body. I think at one point or maybe even multiple points in our lives we can all relate to Job. Now, maybe not to the extreme of what he went through, but the feelings and thoughts Job had while walking through that time of brokeness; the confusion, the frustration, the sadness, the anger and the feeling of being alone. However, Job never loses his faith and he never condemns or turns away from God. After his time of brokeness, Job was stronger and became more blessed than ever. What a beautiful lesson of how no matter the tragedy, the pain, the suffering or the sadness one has to endure, to always keep the faith. What’s even more beautiful is how God never leaves.
I think it is really easy to praise God and be thankful when things are going well in your life, but the hard part is to trust in God when things get tough. I may not always understand why things are playing out the way they are in the moment, but when I look back, it all seems to make sense. I always come out stronger and realize that some of my toughest times give me some of my biggest blessings. So I am going to turn my time of feeling beaten and broken into a time of blessings. Here is how I choose to see things now:
Single again – I choose to focus on what I learned during that relationship. I
rediscovered a part of myself that I thought was gone and I learned how to love again.
Best friend left – She is out there shining her light throughout the world and no matter the distance or time, we always pick back up where we left off. It has also made me
appreciate technology and FaceTime even more!
Anniversary of a death – I choose not to focus on the sadness, but to cherish the
memories, the time and love that was shared over the 4 years he was in my life. Love is
always a beautiful thing!
Wreck and totalled car – Everyone walked away uninjured! I was also able to buy another
car, which happens to be better than the car I totalled and my car payments are lower. I
say that is a win!
Attempted dating – Each experience taught me more about myself and my worth. I
learned what I want and need in a relationship. (I’m sure I will continue to have these
“interesting” learning experiences…ha!)
Ineffective at my job – I choose to stop and take in each moment. Sometimes the most
important things are not in my lesson plans. I look at each of my kids and remind myself
that if they feel loved, safe and have a sense of belonging, I have done my job.
Ryder – I choose not to look at the time I have left with him, but to enjoy each day, each
moment, each and every puppy snuggle. I also know that he is young and strong and I
am all about beating the odds!
“Adult” responsibilities – C’mon, Hal put your big girl pants on! Yes, this is an actual
conversation I have with myself sometimes.
So, maybe I was wrong when I said my race has not been full of beautiful things, adventures and life changing moments. Maybe these beautiful things come wrapped in not so beautiful coverings, maybe my adventures have happened when I have felt beaten and broken, but came out stronger, and maybe my life changing moments have happened when I see the blessings unveiled. So no matter if you are in a season of blessings or a season of feeling beaten and broken, hear this; God is good all the time, all the time God is good!
As I think back to my initial thoughts of “Why would anyone want to read about my ‘race’?” and “What in the world would I write about?”, I realize God has given me healing through my own words and allowed me to be vulnerable and share things only those closest to me would know. And maybe, just maybe, someone out there needed to hear what I have to say.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and thank you to my Shannon for pushing me out of my comfort zone by asking me to write a guest blog!
