Kamp Mrcajecvi, Serbia
3/11/18
They say home is where the heart is. Well my heart is scattered all over the globe, across 5 continents and 8 countries so far. I left pieces of it at Casa Esperanza in Chile, pieces at YWAM in Argentina, pieces in the jungle of Bolivia, pieces at Overflow in Cambodia, pieces with the elephants in Thailand, and now pieces at this beautiful camp in the middle of nowhere, Serbia. But the truth is that there’s a huge chunk of my heart that I left in Texas. This is the halfway mark of my world race, and while it’s gone by pretty fast, it’s sinking in that there’s still 5 1/2 months until I’m back on US soil with the life I left 5 1/2 months ago.
While I am so happy here and undoubtedly know that this is where I am supposed to be right now, I’d be lying to you and myself if I ignored the very real heartache of missing home. I think it is something that I shove down or try to brush off 90% of the time because there’s not really anything to do about it. I want to be present where I am because I won’t be here long, but there are very real pieces of my heart, big pieces, in Texas, and I can’t just ignore that. But I’ve wanted to avoid the feelings. I realized I was suppressing my feelings last week sometime and then was confronted with that a few days ago when I saw this sitting on a stand in the living room of our hosts (who happen to be from Texas):
I felt my chest tighten and that weird tingling in my face that tells you you’re about to cry. I would say that I felt tears well up in my eyes, but unfortunately they just get watery and lack the ability to produce tears, as most of you know. however, I wish I could add that line for the dramatic effect because I imagine it’s still the same sensation that lets you know you want to cry. You get my point. It wasn’t really a moment where I could actually cry without making things awkward, and I also didn’t want to cry in front of a bunch of people either. So I did the only logical thing to do, I swallowed it, and chimed in on the conversation in front of me.
That night when I was laying on the bottom bunk of our cabin bunk beds, I found myself back in that spot where I wanted to cry, thinking about home. I’d been stumped on what to write a blog about lately so I figured I could just jot some thoughts down on my phone and maybe use it in a blog later. Well, this is what I was thinking:
I want to walk in my parents house, sit around the table, and laugh with my family.
I want to ride around in the front seat of my best friend’s car that smells of cigarettes and cologne while he makes me listen to his new favorite songs.
I want to sit on the floor at my church and weep because I can feel the Lord’s presence.
I want to pick up my niece and play with her soft curls. I want to kiss her big beautiful cheeks.
I want to wrap my arms around my mom and smell her perfume.
I want to ride around in my car by myself and have space to think and sing my heart out.
I want to walk down to the front office at Homestead and give the sweet ladies hugs because it’s that time of the morning.
I want to stay up for hours talking to my best friend and cuddling on the couch with her pups.
I want to take a nap on my grandma’s couch.
I want to see my students and how much they’ve grown.
I want to go to a wyldlife club and be goofy with some really awesome middle schoolers.
I want to go out with my friends and enjoy fellowship with them around a table.
I want to go on a walk with my sister, Nicole, and talk about anything and everything.
These wants are real and raw and make me cry because I miss home. There’s just no way around that, and that’s okay, because despite the heartache and homesick I am feeling right now, I’m comforted by a confidence that the Lord has me here for a reason. I’m comforted by knowing He is with me always. I am comforted by knowing His ways are better than mine. I’m comforted that this time is not at all wasted and He is using my life for good while simultaneously adding goodness to my life. The irony is that I’m sure there will be a point when I get home and can actually have all of these wants, and part of me will want to be right here in Serbia watching the sun go down, surrounded by beautiful nature, enjoying life with wonderful friends like the ones I have here. In the midst of my sadness, He gives me joy and reminds me of the beauty He continues to shower my life with, in any country, with anybody, in any circumstance. I have been given the overwhelming joy of the Good News which triumphs any hardship or heartache. I have so much to be thankful for and should be thankful I have so many “wants” to miss.
So, while I may miss Texas and all the pieces of my heart that are there, I will praise Him and I will be thankful.
“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
