ITS MONTH 10 PEOPLE!
I’m in Kigali, Rwanda this month and it is very different from last month. I have a new team. I was added to a new team due to last months circumstances. It’s been awesome because the girls are kind and loving.
We are in a beautiful village outside of Kigali. We wake up to the countryside. I call it Kuscoland. I don’t know if any of you have seen “The Emperors New Groove” but I feel like I just stepped into that movie. Now all I need is a pancho!!!
I want to talk about Peace. What does that word mean? Well it means there is no unrest in a situation, person or place. What does God say about Peace? “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” -Philippians 4:6. God says to give our worries and anxieties to Him, that will bring Peace.
I have struggled with anxiety for a long time. This anxiety manifested itself through worry a lot in my life. It hit an all time high for me my freshman year of college, I was so anxious that I was not eating much of anything. I was having panic attacks that I thought were allergic reactions. Later to find out that they were attacks due to anxiety. I was struggling a lot, and to this day I still struggle. I had a really bad panic attack my junior year of college after a lacrosse practice, it was in the locker room in front of all my teammates. It was really scary and embarrassing. I was confused as to why it was happening.
I know that this anxiety came from worrying about things that weren’t in my control. Worrying about my family, worrying about what people thought of me, worrying about hurting people’s feelings, worrying about my grades and money. Lots of worry. It was consuming me.
So, that was when I knew that I had to surrender those worries and anxieties to God. I could not keep living this way. So I quit lacrosse, which had become an idol in my life. That was the hardest decision of my life because I truly love lacrosse, but the minute I quit I felt Peace. I knew it was the right decision although it was hard to do. After this I was asked to be a leader of FCA, as the events leader. I also started going to church regularly. This gave me more room to do things I loved and gave more room for me to seek after God.
So a year went by and I still struggled here and there with anxiety, but it was less. Then God said are you willing to submit more to me? Are you going to cast more of your worries on me? How about the World Race? And now look where I am, Rwanda!
I had to submit the fact that I have loans to pay off, I had to submit the fact that my parents just got divorced and I should be there for my family, I had to submit worries about funding, I had to submit a typical 9-5 job, I had to submit friendships that I would not be able to pursue as much on the other side of the world, I had to submit a worry that I don’t know how to preach or teach. Lots of real feeling and worries. I gave those up because I was sick of trying to control everything. It got me nowhere, but an anxious heart. I’m telling you that “casting my anxieties on God” is not easy, but sooo much better. And SO WORTH IT.
I will continue to battle anxiety, but I will continue to overcome those feelings and submit them to God.
As the Race rolled around and the journey continued on, people in Argentina and Bolivia spoke the word Peace over me. The verses “blessed are the peacemakers” and “a Peace which surpasses all understanding.” And even just the word Peace. God was the one who kept saying Peace.
Let’s go back to month one when I took a personality test with my squad leader, Charmagne. It said that my personality is driven by Harmony with my codriver as Memory. Okay I’m seeing a theme here… Harmony, Peace, Peacemaker?
Month four God said okay so look at the anxiety you struggle with, that’s the flesh. What’s the opposite of anxiety? It’s Peace. I looked at that and my eyes were open to a battle that I fight everyday. I am filled with Peace, but when I use that Peace and try to control my life than it becomes anxiety which is the complete opposite.
All this to be said, I still struggle with anxiety sometimes, but it does not define me. Last month as we were stuck in that situation, I’m gonna be honest I was anxious towards the end. But now looking back I know that God gave me Peace a lot of the time.
For me, Peace is a choice. I can choose to find Peace and walk in that or I can choose anxiety.
I’m choosing Peace. Today is a new day and I will choose to walk in Freedom.
Please pray for health, because I am sick with a cold!!! Thank you!
Blessings,
Sam
