I don’t even know where I’m at anymore. the last 7 months have been pure insanity. sometimes in the best ways, but also in the worst. I was looking through my early blogs & social media posts the other day and I realized something—I’ve stopped being raw & real. I’ve subconsciously decided that my supporters & friends shouldn’t know that I’m struggling or that this is a lot harder than I ever imagined. I chose to believe that I shouldn’t be open with my struggles because I’m in a different country. doing things some people could only dream of doing. what gives me the right to complain??
but, I’m going to be honest with you. the race has been one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’ve spent many days crying and wishing I was roaming around a Target instead of where I was. I’ve day-dreamed about being at home and going back to my job. petting my dogs. driving my car. eating out & looking like I don’t live out of a backpack. (this is where I would usually put an inspiring message about this being the best thing I’ve ever done & how I’m thankful for these challenges. this is where I’d try to wrap it all up in a pretty bow.) but I’m not going to do that, because it’s okay to show your brokenness. it’s okay to not have everything put together all the time.
that’s not reality.
today, a few of my teammates and I were discussing how we’re really doing, and I started to break down. I told them about something I hate discussing – prayer. the past few weeks I’ve had really high expectations & I’ve been praying for these expectations since before I came on the race. when the time came for those expectations to be met (or so I thought), they weren’t. I thought, “okay. that’s okay. it’s not going to happen now, but it will.” so I started to pray for other things. big, bold prayers for healing and reconciliation. those things didn’t happen, either. at least not yet. and I’m here questioning if my prayers even work. if God even hears my tiny voice. if prayer even matters. now, I know prayer is powerful. I’ve seen & experienced things that prove to me that prayer is powerful. but only from other people. my focus is on if my prayers matter. if my voice holds power. because right now, I don’t see that it does.
I really, really want to wrap this in a pretty red bow & make you believe that I’m really okay. but I can’t do that. and I honestly don’t want to. I want to show you (and myself) that it’s okay to show your brokenness. it’s okay to really open up about how you’re doing. if you’re on top of the world—that’s awesome!!! please, please share and show that. but if you’re in a valley and can’t see the way out, share that too. we’re human. we can’t be on all the time. but, it’s not okay to sit in that brokenness. and I don’t intend to.
all my love,
sam bell
Lezhe, Albania
