Hello to my lovely friends!
I was encouraged by multiple someones to make another post. I really didn’t have that in my plans for the near future because I’ve been in a bit of a lull, a rut… a funk. I suppose I feel the need to be inspirational and I have a hard time doing that while I feel so stuck. So I’m going to scrap inspirational and just go with honest. I hope you don’t mind.
First I will start with the bright spot of which I haven’t lost sight, even from within my rut. All of you have been so encouraging. I am a stubborn and independent individual and I have a difficult time asking for things. Not only have I been blown away with the generosity so many of you have shown financially, but also with the way you have encouraged me to ask for the things I need. It’s been an incredible and humbling experience. And even more than that, it’s been a pleasant lesson in humility, which is so much different than the lessons in humility I’m used to receiving. “Thank you” feels like such an incomplete way to express what I really want to say.
After saying all that, my rut feels smaller. I think the issue that remains boils down to this: I feel responsible. I feel that I need to clean it all up before I bring it to God, or to anyone really. I realize that’s a bit ambiguous so I hope you understand what I mean. Even now, I’m thinking about how I don’t deserve to have people listen to what I have to say here. I shouldn’t be writing about my struggles, I should be writing about the answers I’ve found to my problems. Why should anyone want to hear about the problem when I haven’t had a chance to clean it up and present it with the answer all shiny and attached? As I said before, I’m stubborn. I had to hike and hour and a half into the woods a couple weeks ago just so that I could have a conversation about this with God. Also this post is about 2 weeks later than it was supposed to be…. I’m good at hiding.
But I’m learning. I’m learning that alone is not always the safest place to stand and that being soft is not the same as being weak. Thank you all for choosing to take this journey with me because it’s only just beginning.
