It was fourth period. I was in Mrs. Perez’s ninth grade creative writing class. This was around the time I’d returned from my first mission trip to Mexico, so like any thirteen year old, I went and wrote my novel based off my trip. Except the events that occurred were much more dramatic, and the character who represented me was very different than who I was at the time. I wrote her as someone who you normally wouldn’t find on the mission field. I wrote her as someone struggling with bitterness and anxiety, fending off doubt and fear.
I wrote as someone a lot like who I am now.
The World Race has been on my heart for years. The idea of sharing the love of Jesus in eleven countries in eleven months was alluring. I told myself maybe one day when I was old enough, I’d take the leap. When I heard of World Race Gap Year maybe a year ago, I ran downstairs and showed my mom. The Gap Year was an option for college aged believers, and it consisted of three continents in nine months. For a long time it was just an idea. But now, I’m excited to share, I am committed to the World Race Gap Year Route 3!
Before I even think of asking for prayers and support, I think it’s only fair if I share how I came to this decision. To do this, we have to go back to Mrs. Perez’s creative writing class.
The character who resembled me was named Max, and Max was set against the trip. None of her friends or family were able to attend the trip with her, and the challenge sent her into a frenzy of insecurity. One night she had a strange dream in which she was told, “Just go.” Amidst other cheesy cliches my thirteen year old self deemed fun to write, of course. But the phrase, “Just go,” contributed greatly to her decision to go.
About five and a half months ago, I deleted my social media. I claimed it was attempt to get away from the politics and creepy clown videos (which no doubt was a part of it). But there was also part of me that needed to cut out distraction, and focus on the things I was scared to think about. Ever since I graduated, anxiety naturally was higher than normal. I was a college student at FSCJ working on my AA. I was physically separated from friends I was previously around often due to my new college-kid status. There were events I could no longer attend. Small groups I could no longer be in. I saw how much I desired affirmation from other people more than ever, and I didn’t like that about myself. I hated how much I hated being alone and I wished with everything in me God would stop this anxiety from building. I needed to be strong for the people around me, I thought. I needed to bottle up my fear and doubt and tuck it away.
But God had other plans.
As I wrote out my story on the Gap Year application, I saw a common thread through my life and in all my struggles. Hope. Hope that can only come from a good God who will never leave or forsake His own. Jesus doesn’t want us to come to Him cleaned up, with our fear and doubt bottled up on a shelf. Jesus came so that we would never have to do such a thing! He is faithful to forgive our sins, and to be our anchor. He didn’t take my anxiety away — no. Instead my anxiety drove me up the wall, around the corner, and straight into the arms of my Savior. It’s there I’m fully satisfied, and it was there I got the news.
I didn’t expect my application to be accepted. I was 110% ready to be rejected, because if I was, then at least that was a definite no, and therefore I wouldn’t have to make a decision. Everything in me became focused on hearing God speak loud and clear, because there was no way I could make a decision so big without God doing so. Truthfully, I was ready for Him to close doors and say no.
But again, He had other plans.
Every verse I read, every song I sang, every mentor, friend, Racer, or stranger pointed me in a dangerous direction: go. Time and time again I pleaded God would show me some sort of red flag. I couldn’t believe He was actually pulling me to go. But every reason I had not to go was met with a reminder of His peace and faithfulness.
I was at Redeemer one Wednesday night after I learned I was accepted. I serve there on a leadership team, and I found myself asking a friend of mine, “If I had the opportunity to leave the country for nine months to serve others, what would your advice be?”
She looked at me knowingly and said, “Do hard things.”
But really God? I thought, Are we really going to do this?
In the leadership meeting afterwards I told my team about how I was hesitant to make a decision. I asked if they’d be praying for me, for guidance and peace. It was then one of my fellow leaders looked me in the eyes and said, “Someone said this to me this week and I feel like God wants me to say it to you — just go.”
I could almost see my thirteen year old self smirking.
After a few more days in prayer, scripture, and conversation, it was clear what to do. It was not an easy decision, in fact it was most definitely the hardest decision I’ve ever made. But it was and is a time to trust, and a time to leap.
I ask you partner with me in prayer. It’s no coincidence the past week has been much more busy and emotional than usual. I can already feel a resistance, and I can use every prayer for protection, provision, and peace that I can get. And of course, I ask you prayerfully consider partnering with me financially. My birthday is a month from today, and I want to dare and see how close I can get to my first goal: $5,000. It’s a lot of money, but what’s that one cliche? Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you’ll land upon the stars? Something like that. Every little bit helps, and you can donate securely here from my blog. I also have a support letter in the making, which hopefully I can get out in the next week or so! I’d be honored and humbled for any and every prayer or donation, and I thank you all in advance for your support through this journey. I love you, and as always, keep the faith.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11-13
