It has been four years since God called me into His service. Four years since He called me by name and asked me to pursue the path of becoming a pastor. Four years since I was asked to not just serve Him as part of my life, but to make my life service to Him.
It has been three years since I laid that calling down in forfeit. I like to think that it was never a conscious choice of mine to run from God, just a mistake that disqualified me from service. I like to think that I never made the decision to say “no” to God, just that I didn’t say “yes” strong enough or loud enough. Then I read Jonah, and his story becomes so clear and relatable. The truth becomes so blatant and undeniable. I ran. I ran into a relationship that nobody knew about; I even tried to keep God oblivious to it. I ran into an escape and away from a calling. In the margins of my Bible I have scribbled notes of a sermon that I heard long ago on the book of Jonah. When the storm was at it’s worst, and Jonah realizes that he must be thrown into the sea I have a note the reads, “Jonah accepts that he cannot run from God.” It has been three years since the storm came.
Jonah was asleep while everyone else was begging their gods for help. His eyes were tight shut, probably trying as hard as he could to ignore the storm outside. The captain woke him, astounded that Jonah could be sleeping so heavily. It has been three years since I sat across from my mentor, my boss, my friend and he shook his head at how I had been so asleep, so oblivious to the storm that I brought on myself. I found it impossible to meet his eyes, impossible to speak. He used the words “hurt,” “angry,” “confused.” Saying these things to me broke his heart just as much as it broke mine. Three years since he told me that my time of service was up. It has been three years since I was tossed into the storm.
How long did Jonah tread water? How long did it take for the fish to get him? Was the boat that he was on have time to sail out of sight? Did he have time enough to watch the storm settle and, in the calm waters, realize he was in the middle of the sea and helpless? Did he think the time for saying “yes” or “no” to God was long past and he had missed his opportunity? How long before he was swallowed whole? It has been one year since my “big fish” came.
One year since the opportunity came to join the World Race. It didn’t swallow me whole right away, it circled while I continued to tread water and sink steadily lower. I was still in the sea. My mind still fighting to find a way to survive on my own power. For two years I had fought to accept the fact that my time to serve the Lord and say “yes” was just a distant memory. Some days I would pray to be wrong, I would pray for a second chance. Some days I would pray to be right and convince myself I was going to fail anyway, so it might as well have been while I was young and had smaller responsibilities. Some days, I just wanted to sink.
It has been three months since I was swallowed whole. Three months since this trip ripped me from the sea I was in, Three months since it took me to a world I had never known before. I didn’t see this for what it was though. It was just suppose to be a trip. But on this trip, in the belly of this beast, rescued from the sea, I had the same reaction Jonah had and I didn’t even realize it. Jonah chapter 2 is almost entirely a prayer that Jonah prayed to God from within his big fish. In that prayer he says, “I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.” Jonah 2:4. It is a prayer of surrender and repentance. It has been three months since that became the genuine prayer of my heart.
It has been seven days since God responded to my prayers.
Repentance is the act of turning from the path you are on to once again follow the path that was set for you by the Lord. When Jonah repented he heard the voice of God telling him almost the exact same thing he had heard before he ran away. “Go… proclaim the message I give you.” It has been seven days since God responded to my repentant prayers. Seven days since God has set me back on the path I fell off of and ran from. Seven days since God asked me to resume the persuit that I had failed three years ago. Seven days since God asked me to set my eyes on the hard road of a life dedicated to pastoring his people.
Immediately upon Jonah’s repentance he was spit up onto the shore. This is where our stories differ. I still have almost six months untill I am returned to shore by this big fish called the World Race. Six months for God to erase my reluctance to saying yes this time. Six months for Him to heal the bitterness I feel at being asked to continue pursuing something that I failed so publiclly and grievously at. That timing is no mistake.
My story right now looks quite a bit like Jonah’s, but I am determined to change the ending. Jonah was called the “reluctant prophet” but I will not be referred to as a reluctant pastor. “Is it right for you to be so angry about this calling Noah? Is it right for you to be so bitter that I am calling you to serve me in a way most people cannot?”
It is not right for me to be angry or bitter. It has been seven days since God gave me the chance to walk with Him for the rest of my life. My reply should, and will, only be “Yes, Lord.”
