To the Racer at home (or anyone in transition),
Me, you, and Captain America are going for a walk.
My prayer is that you read that hello, with the same love, earnestly, and emphasis that I typed it. I’d ask you how you are, but you ask yourself that ten times a day right?
Life is confusing, all of the sudden. Not a lot makes sense. The structure, community, and freedom you just had seems like a memory and it all seems so fresh. I get it. It’s hard, it sucks. There is no two ways around it.
Some of you may already be numbing; old habits die hard, and they come thundering back even louder when the structure we replaced addiction with is ripped away, after almost a year of consistent growth. Hey, I’ve been there. Truly. If I’m to be honest I struggled with everything I said I’d never go near again in some way, shape, or form.
Some of you may be thriving. You made the choice to take everything you learned and sit in some pain for a bit. You allowed it to change you; to transform you and mold you. I’m so proud of you. I really am, because that’s a process that’s an ongoing cycle of choosing the refining road.
Some of you may feel like you’re floating, and not in a good way. It feels like this weird in-between space between doing something amazing, and doing nothing meaningful. What really holds meaning after all? When you’ve talked to the people you have, when you’ve laughed and smiled with the kids, heard their stories, prayed over them, lived with people in their world….what is all of this excess we have in America? What is this world of recreational outrage, marketed instant-intimacy, and everyone so blatantly lying about how they are doing?
Yeah, not fun…is it?
To all of you,
It’s normal. But let’s have a real talk. I mean a REAL talk.
The Race is over. It’s done. Spontaneous trips that mean blowing off responsibilities aren’t going to ease your pain, they might feel good in the moment. And sometimes you need them. I mean NEED them. But it won’t make things easier. Huge impulse decisions to re-awaken the adrenaline of adventure days? Not wise and not fulfilling.
Running to old habits and choosing to ignore your pain? That won’t help either. Believe me. Please, before the rock falls on you, fall on it.
What does that mean?
A wise man once told me, if you don’t let your pain transform you, you WILL transmit it to everyone around you.
Jesus doesn’t just exist on the world Race. And moreover? The Race isn’t real life. It is, but it isn’t. The Race is a rapid exposure to the reality of the planet, and it’s an off ramp of the American highway called, “get rich, play golf, and die”.
Your reality is in front of you. And it hurts. A lot.
Maybe it’s the relationship, maybe it’s the alcohol. Drugs? Falling back onto religion? Religion is a set of rules to keep God from being mad at you. And it exempts you from being Love, because you can fall back on your “right-ness” and the letter of the Law. Maybe you became a work-a-holic. Maybe you’re angry. Maybe there wasn’t closure. Been there.
I got home from my World Race in summer of 2018. I was broke, broken, adventuresome, Wild, awake to my desires, and craving meaning and to not fall into the mundane. I was on clawing to affirm my identity. I kept looking to “do”.
So I hopped a one way plane ticket to Georgia from California. I had the stamps on the passport, the tattoos, the bracelets(the good ones not the tourist ones), and I knew how to actwhole. This West Coast smile was going to take ATL by storm.
I was in pain. But that wasn’t the issue. The problem was I didn’t DEAL with my pain. And the only way to actually deal with your pain? You have to just be. Those dreaded words. Just be.
I arrived in Georgia and I was around my people again. After a load of hurt, tears, lots of cookout and chick fil-a, I had my little life back in a way. I was making decent money, and I was physically doing better.
But I couldn’t shake the pain. Did you catch that?! Even Chick fil-a was a temporary fix. Pure blasphemy my friends. Anyway
I couldn’t out run it. No matter what. Numbing leaves us wanting a shot of a adrenaline to the heart to remind us that we’re alive. We go for the quick fix and it leaves us in shame. A place where we never were meant to live. Shame is a liar that thrives in silence.
And the truth is, you can’t shake it. You have to deal with it. You have to sit through it. You can’t deflect it.
You can’t sing it away, journal it away, exercise, eat, or even: pray it away.
Beloved friends, we are not promised a life without pain. In fact we are assured by Christ himself of the opposite. He doesn’t take our pain from us. He won’t, because it isn’t good for our growth and sanctification. He walks with us through it.
Walks. He doesn’t run.
But God WHY?! This hurts so much. I thought seeing my people, signing up for the next adventure; I thought that would take the pain away?!
The sad part my friends is that pain is the greatest teaching tool. We have to get it out of our head that pain is bad. Pain means something is tearing, bursting, straining, and/or stressing. It leads us to a place where we need nourishment. We need recovery, healing, and love. It leads us into this thin space between heaven and earth where we discover who we really are. Your identity can be found in who we are when the storm comes, and how we stand firm, rooted in Grace. When you are overflowing in love, and experiencing pain, your true self, your character ignites and glimmers through the deepest black of night.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees,”
Hebrews 12:11-12 ESV
Avengers: Endgame
Even after Captain America picks up Thor’s hammer, is deemed worthy, given everything inside of him to save his friends; never compromised his values, remained rooted in love, fiery in his convictions, and violent against hate, he even finds a small victory and beats the Enemy back for all of 15 seconds…Thanos wipes the floor with him.
Do you feel like that? Like you gave everything you had? Like you picked up this new weapon, been found worthy and even picked up a small victory or even a major victory along the way? Just for the Big Bad to come back and angrily pummel you into the ground. Have you had your shield broken? The thing that makes you; you? Have you been on your heels for the past month and some change? Maybe right now?
Cap makes a decision. His next actions define him as a character in the Story because it shows hischaracter. With no one watching, his friends scattered or beaten as well. In his storm with all of the might of the enemy laid before him. Promising to crush him. He doesn’t allow the pain to move him. He doesn’t do anything actually.
He falls back into his character and into his heart. He allows his true self on the inside to manifest on the outside. He just becomes more of himself. And this true self- this character- tightens his broken shield, grabs his weapon that is worthiness, and stands. He FEELS alone.
But friends, do you remember the gleam in his eye. Do you remember looking at his face and the resolve behind the exhaustion? He in that moment would have stood firm because that is who he was, transformed by years of pain and love. He wasn’t going to budge if no one came to the left or right.
But we all know the the truth. We’ve known it for a few minutes, he was never alone. He felt alone, but a Friend at great cost to himself had already snapped his fingers and brought everyone back. Help was on the way.
And in the middle of the night. In the middle of the suffering comes a whisper.
For a few movies Cap has been on Sam’s left. But this time, in his moment of need, a Friend that sticks closer than a brother; bravely and in power and love speaks in his ear:
“On your left”
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“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Romans 12:1-2
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This will cost you, you will be sanctified, holy, and set apart because of the pain you’ve been through. But; because of Jesus’ character through pain, you are pleasing to the Father. Because of who you are you are pleasing to God. And you will be tested.
Don’t run from pain, friends. Don’t numb. Be all of you. Know that you are loved, seen; and heard. And who you are and how you become in this season will refine you into your identity that is Love with skin on. It will cost you everything you hold dear. But you will find a treasure deep inside of you that the world cannot offer, and it desperately needs.
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I write to you today from Arua, Uganda. My journey under grace through pain continues. I live among South Sudanese Refugee’s at an orphanage. Two months left. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in every aspect. It’s also the best thing that’s ever happened to me. When I’m done here I’ll go back to Spain. I once hopped off a one way ticket to Atlanta with a few bucks in my pocket and no direction.. How did I get here?
When I once was a fresh alumni like you? Treading new waters?
I had men and women of God come around me, under me and over me, and love me throughmy pain. Even when I didn’t let it transform me; and I transmitted it to others. You know what? I saw the other side. The night ended. I made mistakes, found Grace, sat under forgiveness and allowed my pain to change me. It took some bold men and women of God to slap me around a bit. It wasn’t fun, but it’s beyond worth it. I sucked, and made a mess more times than I’d care to count. I’m not finished, and I won’t be. The end isn’t the goal, the journey is. The road you’re on, the spot you’re in, it’s ok. I’m in the middle of my pain right now actually.
Alumni I believe in you. My friend I see you. My brother and my sister; I am here for you and I love you. You’re not alone.
On your left.
