Writers block sucks. I’ve had it a lot recently. It especially sucks when you’ve been out of the states for over a month and a half and can’t accurately put into words what you’ve seen or experienced in two different countries so far. It REALLY sucks when they way you communicate best is through written word.
So I began to ask myself why?
Why can’t I put words to paper?
Why can’t I process what I’ve seen?
My life is totally different. It’s completely changed. And with it, comes the question who am I now? What am I seeing that is making think this way and why is it re-wiring my brain?
Like I said I’ve spent two months out of the country, and have been in the Dominican Republic and Haiti. And what I’ve seen I’m still working through and struggling with. I’ve seen a resilient people here in Haiti. I’ve seen a country ravished by poverty and corruption and the plundering by the American dollar. I’ve seen church groups come in for a week and completely miss the point of missions. I’ve seen people exemplify the best of humanity, the best of Jesus, without so much as a warm meal that day. I’ve seen children filled with the joy of life, and they lack pants or underwear. This is a time in my life where I’m reevaluating what it means to love God and love people. I’m fighting to accept love and forgiveness from other, I’m fighting to understand that I belong in this family. I’m fighting to surrender and let go. I’m hurting while the Lord heals me and sets me free of my past.
And it’s all so incredibly good. It’s all so incredibly transformative and renewing that I don’t know what to make of my life anymore. I don’t know how to carry myself in the way that I used to because I’m slowly beginning to figure out who this new me is. Who is this new me that is looking to smile relentlessly, to love the people around me? Who is this person that doesn’t feel sorry for the people of the third world but instead desires to love them and learn from them? I see the good in people for the first time, because I’m beginning to see them as Jesus sees them. They are worthy, they are loved, they are cherished and so am I. I’m beginning understand what it means to be a son for the first time in my life. And that in itself is a scary thought.
I’m beginning to understand just how amazing God has been in my life. And it’s mind blowing. I’m beginning to understand what it means to dream big, with goals that I cannot reach and I will fail without the Lord. One of them is fundraising. I have about 50 days to come up with another four thousand dollars. And I know in the depths of my heart that the Lord will provide. I don’t know how, but I know I belong here. I know this is the place where I am supposed to be. I’m beginning to understand the impact I have. I’m beginning to get how amazingly the Lord is using me, and it takes my breath away to think about the way that He’s using me and the other amazing people of Gap O. Through prayer and children’s ministry, actively encountering voodoo and witchcraft, we are being pushed. We are currently working with an organization that feeds over 90,000 people a day, runs schools and clinics, provides clean water, housing, and mobile medical services. They are actively transforming the Haitian community through the Haitian community. Hope for Haiti has come alongside and under the Haitian church and community so that the people changing their lives: are themselves. I see a people proud of who they are and the struggle that life has handed the, and I have never seen a people with more joy or pride.
So maybe that’s why I have writers block. Maybe because my brain can’t comprehend what I’m going through. Maybe my heart and mind are literally being rewired so that I might never be the same. Maybe it’s not writers block. Maybe it’s a completely different person behind the words.
