I’ve been asking “why” a lot lately. Why am I struggling with depression? Why have so many of the doors of opportunity for next year been closed? Why have I had to deal with the loss of friendships? Why do I have to leave my friends and head back to America in 22 days? Why do I not have even a slight idea what I am going to be doing next year?
It was just a few days ago, and in my prayer time with the Lord I asked him “why” about all of these things. Instantly, I felt guilty. I felt as if I wasn’t allowed to voice that question to him in my prayers. It felt like the elephant in the room that everyone knows better than to actually point out. I opened up to the Lord, and felt guilty about it a moment later. And in the midst of that guilt is when I heard him speak. He said, “Nat, I want you to ask why.”
And once God seemed to open the door to my asking why, it was as if a whole part of my mind filled with questioned I wanted to ask Jesus that I had been repressing for so long. Question about the nature of his goodness. Questions about his plan for my life. Questions about hardships I endured in the past. Questions on questions on questions. This is the point when I came to realize that asking questions is not the same as doubting.
Seeking to know the Lord and his ways more is not the same as disbelieving truth about his goodness, or love, or the assurances he has given us. But even if it were, there is so much room for doubt in Christianity. Jesus invites us into relationship with him, regardless of our questions or wonders. He gives us grace through it all. One thing that I know to be true is that Christians, given that we are humans, are far less gracious than Jesus is. Sometimes we treat doubt like the plague, something you seek a cure for and try to get over as soon as possible. We urge people to “hurry up and figure out their doubt” so that they can then move to fulfilling the mission in the kingdom that is placed on their lives. I have learned that walking through doubt is part of the mission God gives to each and every one of us. I think it is an important kind of prerequisite to build faith at different points in our life where the Lord knows we are going to need as much faith and trust as we can get.
Doubt is saying, “I don’t know,” or “I need to see something first,” or asking why things happen in the Lord’s will. We need to understand that, as children of God, we are building our entire lives, dedicating ourselves, and deciding that we are willing to die for concepts, constructs, and ideology that defy all human logic and that our finite minds will NEVER FULLY COMPREHEND.
That’s where walking with Jesus takes trust, and lots of it. I am terrified to go home. The friendships and community that I have built here are better than anything I could have imagined. I’m afraid to go home and live without these people close by. I am afraid to start over building these kinds of relationships in the next season of my life because of the vulnerability and intentionality that they required.
And in the midst of this struggle to trust, Jesus has been reminding me sweetly that he has given me the beauty of loving deeply over and over and over again in different seasons. He will not allow my heart to become hard or resistant to loving. This season, and these people are things that I will sorely miss. Things that I will even have to grieve for a while. But the feeling of expectation and anticipation that I am feeling reminds me that in EVERY season where Jesus is present, there is hope and love. So here is to 22 final days of optimism and contentment with the unknown season to come.
