*I know its been a while since I’ve posted a blog, and I want to apologize for that. I told you all that I would update you weekly and I have not kept my word. I will try my best to get back on track with the weekly updates for those of you who are wanting to follow my story. Thank you for being patient with me and for still caring about what is going on with my trip. It means so much to me. *
Last month was a doozy. I fell in love with Cambodia and its people. I don’t quite understand how a people who have been through so much so recently still choose to love the way that they do. They have a respect for human life that can only come from a place of understanding what its like to not have it. It has absolutely changed the way I see and choose to love people. I hope to write a post detailing that whole experience a little more, but todays post is for something else. Today’s post is to tell you that the Lord still answers prayers in the most incredible ways. Last month, I found myself on a brand new team in a brand new country and feeling very much alone.
Last month was VBS (Vacation Bible School) back home and my church goes all out. My friends and family spend 2 weeks at the church from morning until late at night decorating the entire church from floor to ceiling with colorful paper and props. They transformed the church into a new world based on the VBS theme. Some of my favorite memories with my friends come from these late nights decorating. Seeing my newsfeed with so many pictures and videos of what I was missing back home was hard. I found myself more homesick than I had ever been on the race. I missed my friends. I missed my people, and I felt very alone.
My new team was going through the growing pains of being a new team and learning how to communicate and love one another. We were all going through so much that we just didn’t see each other well or how to be there for each other. It ended up being a very lonely month for many of us, and by the end of Cambodia I had to sit down with my team and let them know where I was. I told them that I felt very alone on this team and that if things continued the way they were going that I was going to get to a point where I was just waiting for the Philippines when we didn’t have to be a team anymore. I knew my words were harsh but they were very true to where I was at.
Going into Indonesia, I was feeling very exhausted and almost defeated. I prayed that the Lord show me that I’m not alone. That He in some way shows me that people actually give a crap about me, because I was starting to feel invisible.
I turned to a bag of letters that I have carried with me since the beginning of the race. Letters from teammates speaking into who I am. Letters from people I’ve met along the way. I found some notes from the sweet girls I worked with in Swaziland, but the letter that caused me to pause was actually one given to me by a teammate about 3 months ago. She gave me a passage of scripture and said it was something I needed to remember on my new team. I opened my Bible to 1 Peter 5:1-3 which says:
And now, a word to you who are elders in the churches. I, too, am an elder and a witness to the sufferings of Christ. And I, too, will share in his glory when he is revealed to the whole world. As a fellow elder, I appeal to you: Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example.
The Lord had told me when we were going into these new teams that my role was going to be one of teaching. I had been so caught up in people not seeing me that I forgot to teach them how.I was grudgingly enduring my placement on this team instead of willingly accepting it. I was blaming God for putting me in a position that I felt so alone, and I completely forgot what He had told me to do here. I had to let them in. I had to open my heart back up to my team and allow them to get to know me, but I was so scared that I would end top hurt again. I was finding myself living a life out of fear again. I was living on guard, just waiting for the next time someone would hurt me. The things about community that I thought I had conquered in Swaziland four months ago started to resurface and I found myself facing the same battles all over again. I wasn’t going to lose this battle.I prayed again that God help me to see that I am not alone. I prayed He helped me see the heart of my teammates and that He help me drop the guard that I had started to put back up.
That day, my teammates surprised me. We had talked about birthdays last month and I had mentioned how my birthday while on the race was awful. The day before my birthday was when we found out that one of my teammates was going home due to some serious medical issues that had kept her in the hospital all month. To say that no one was in the mood for celebrating would be an understatement. My new teammates decided to have a redemptive birthday party. I was completely surprised. I had no clue that they were doing anything. They also decided to all pool some money together and purchase me a plane ticket to Bali for the weekend. My team had decided to go to Bali for our last weekend here in Indonesia and I couldn’t afford to go, but they decided to gift me a ticket so I wouldn’t miss the chance to go with them. They didn’t want to go without me. If you know me at all, you know that I am awful at accepting gifts. Its something the Lord has definitely been growing me in, but by my reaction I still have a ways to go. I was so overwhelmed. My teammates didn’t know about my prayers. They didn’t know that I was asking God to show me that people cared. They just did what they felt the Lord calling them to do. They were answering prayers they had no clue were being prayed. I felt so loved and wanted. It was everything I needed and suddenly I felt so much shame.
I was ashamed for not trusting the Lord in where He had me. I felt ashamed for not seeing the Jesus in my teammates and judging them so harshly. I felt unworthy of the party they were throwing for me. It was a whirlwind of emotions and I mostly tried to hide them because I was still afraid, but it was an answer to all that I had asked from God. I went to bed that night and talked out that shame with the Lord. He showed me that I had no reason to feel shame for accepting the love of my team. I had never seen the love of Christ through other people towards me as clearly as I did that night. He wasn’t trying to bring me to shame. He was showing me just how powerful it can be to love others as Christ would love them. My team loved me like Christ does. They loved me even though I was guarded. They loved me even when I didn’t deserve it. They were a beautiful example of God’s love to me, and I will forever be grateful to them for showing me how to see Christ’s love for me through others.
Just when I thought the Lord was done showing me just how loved I am, I get a message from my family. I had been stressed out lately because I didn’t have the money to cover my next car payment that is due at the end of the month. I had prayed about it and heard the Lord say not to worry about it. I had tried to give over control and fear of that to Him trusting in His provision, though I had no clue how it was going to come through. Yesterday, I received a message that my father had put money into my account. It was enough to cover my car payment and I was floored. I hadn’t told anyone about where my finances were at. The Lord provided just what I needed. He silenced all my fears and reaffirmed in me the fact that He loves me and will always provide what I need. He is so good to me.
This is just a little bit of what has been going on in my life lately. It has been hard but it has been good. All of this has drawn me closer to the Lord. My prayer life has become stronger and my faith has definitely grown throughout this whole thing. I am so grateful for a patient, loving God who never leaves me alone.
Indonesia is incredible. I have been helping out at an elementary school. We have taught Bible stories, songs, and played so many games. I also have gotten the opportunity to paint another mural inside the school. We still have about 3 more weeks of ministry here and there is a chance I may go to a refugee camp and get to help out with some ministry opportunities there. I don’t know what the rest of this month will look like but I can’t wait to find out. Until next time… Thanks for reading!
