As I am about to wrap up month 6 of my race, I’ve started to reflect on this past month. I’ve realized that the most impactful thing I learned this month happened the day I arrived, because on the day I arrived I finally understood just how much God loves me.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt unworthy of love. Not just from God, but from everyone. One of the biggest lies I believed about myself was that I wasn’t not good enough for love. I believed I was fundamentally broken and so flawed that no one could possibly love me. Throughout my journey on the race, I’ve had to battle this issue constantly. It’s not easy to replace a lie that you’ve been believing for so long with truth, and if I’m being honest I’m still not completely there yet. This lie has been deeply rooted and fed by my insecurities and fears for so long that I know the road to pulling it up will be a long one. On my first night in Jeffreys Bay, God not only showed me that I am capable of being loved but He showed me how much He loves me in the most extravagant way.
I’ve been gone for 6 months now, and I’ve been to some of the most amazing places. I’ve lived in all kinds of conditions. From sleeping 8 people in a tiny room, to places where we put our mattresses inside our tents to keep the tarantulas out, I’ve slept in some weird conditions. That is what I expected of the race though. You expect to live in conditions that are much different from what is back home. This month took all of my assumptions of what the race would be and threw them out the window. I knew that South Africa would be different from the other African countries we’ve been to but I wasn’t quite ready for the reality of it.
Upon arriving here in J-Bay, we were driven to our flat where we would be living this month. Imagine my surprise when they park at the beach and tell us we have arrived. Turns out the campsite we were told we would be sleeping in wasn’t able to accommodate us the entire time and this apartment was available at the exact same price. ( #miracle ) We went from camping and living out of our tents for a month to having the entire bottom floor of a beach-front condo to ourselves. I can literally see the ocean from my bed. We even have a pool table! This place is nicer than anything I could have ever imagined staying in on the race. Earlier in the race our flight got delayed and they put us up for the night in a five-star hotel and I thought that would be the coolest thing that happened. I was wrong. I got to live in this amazing apartment for an entire month. I have hot running water, air conditioning, carpet ( something I really took for granted ), a full kitchen, couches, memory foam mattresses that aren’t on the floor, real cotton towels, and a balcony where I can see dolphins playing in the ocean. I’ve always wanted to live by the ocean. I love the water and the waves are so calming to me. I find it very peaceful just to sit and stare at the waves.
Two months ago I was sitting in a beach in Durban, South Africa and I made a decision. I chose to fully submit to this race. I know it sounds crazy but for the first 4 months of this race I was only playing the part. I wanted to do this thing with God but, when it came to community, I could do it on my own. I didn’t need or want them to help me. I was letting my fears keep me from fully trying to experience what God was trying to give me through this journey. I was only vulnerable enough with me team to say I was “trying” but no more. I was afraid to let others speak into my life because that meant they could hurt me. I didn’t realize that God wanted me to stop fighting Him and let others in. He was trying to tell me that He would protect me but my fears kept me from listening. In Durban, I not only made the decision to submit, but also I was challenged by leadership in walking this out too. They gave me practical steps that would help me get there.
As I moved into a new team, I got the chance to start over and that’s exactly what I did. I stopped fighting. When I found myself shutting down or running away, I took it to God. I asked for wisdom and understanding and once I had received it, I invited my community into it. I stopped trying to do it alone.
I also started ( very slowly ) to allow my teammates to speak into me. I am very good at brushing off compliments. When someone praises me for something, or even just has a nice comment towards me, my instinct is to say thank you and then immediately disregard it. I think I know who I am and I don’t need your input. God has shown me that by doing this, I’m not allowing my community in. Something I was challenged in was to actually take and let the words hit me. To give them the weight that they deserve and actually let people tell me what they see in me. It goes against all my instincts. Others can see things I can’t and I needed to see things from their viewpoints. My identity doesn’t lie in what others think of me, but what people see in me is important for the witness I am bearing. I am just now learning this lesson.
The weeks before arriving in J-Bay, I was walking this out. It was mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. I was fighting so hard, I didn’t realize how much it was taking out of me. Standing on that balcony I heard God telling me, “Good job. Now rest.” I took a deep breathe in and opened my eyes and saw where I was standing in a new light. I finally saw what He was doing. I realized that God was giving me an amazing gift. He was showing me his love in an extravagant gesture. I saw the waves crashing and felt the waves of his love. I saw the apartment and I felt his rest. I saw the beauty of the view and I felt like He had given me the most beautiful gift.
I felt so overwhelmingly loved by the Father in that moment. I’ve never experienced the fullness of knowing the extent of His love before. I stood, looking at the horizon with tears in my eyes, and thought about all the went into this gift. He brought me halfway across the world and through months of struggle and hardship. He brought me to my knees on a beach and took the time to teach me how to submit. Now here I was, finally ready to receive the gift of knowing the fullness of his love. I didn’t realize how much I needed to understand what that love is. I had gone for so long believing that I wasn’t good enough for love. Now, not only do I feel loved, but I know that I am good enough to feel it. He showed me that love in the most grand gesture ever! J-Bay will always hold a space in my heart for this. As I pack my bags and leave today, I know that I’m leaving with the best gift I could ever have received here.
I’m heading for Cape Town today to have a debrief before heading off to Asia. In the next few days I will be boarding a plane for Malaysia and on to month 7 of this adventure. Pray for safe travels and for me to have a boldness in my faith for this next month of ministry. I’m so excited to see what Malaysia has for us. Until next time…
