“And He said unto them, ‘Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.’ Immediately they left their nets and followed him.”
Matthew 4:19-20 ESV
I’ve been thinking about this verse, and looking at it, all I can think of is how scary that must have been for those men. I can only imagine the fears they battled when they chose to drop those nets.
I’ve always looked at this moment and awed at the faith they must have had. Now, it seems I’m being called to drop my own net, and I’m terrified. Reading about it and experiencing it are two different things. I know that God doesn’t give me a spirit of fear, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel the power of it.
11 countries in 11 months. Sounds absolutely amazing! Sounds crazy! Sounds unreal, but somehow it is my reality. In October, I will leave home and go into the world to be a fisher of men; to take the Good News to the least of these. What an awesome adventure! So, what could I possibly be afraid of?
Let’s start with the big one. The fear that, if I’m being completely honest, is always my biggest fear. I am afraid of not being enough. Not smart enough.Not good enough. Not likeable enough. Not Christian enough. The list goes on. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for people to realize they made a mistake. That I am the wrong choice.
Now, I know that God has chosen this path for me. I know it is His will for me to go on this. I know that to condemn the creation is to condemn the creator, but knowing doesn’t always make the fear go away. I feel like God is making me battle these deep-rooted fears for a reason. He is preparing me. I know this, but I don’t always remember it.
I fear missing out on things at home. Currently, my grandfather is in hospice. He is not expected to last much longer. This is a huge reminder to me that once I leave, I am going to miss things. Its going to happen.
That is why I have found myself in Matthew. I find myself wondering about the lives of the disciples. What did they miss? It must have been a huge sacrifice to give up everything to follow Christ, and they did. They trusted Jesus with literally all they had.
Yes, I have fears, many of them. 11 countries in 11 months can be intimidating. Thankfully, even though I do have these fears, I do not listen to them. I do not give in. I know that I am destined for this path. I’ve known for years. I will not give in! I will continue to fight them. I am being pruned right now. I am being trained up to enter the spiritual battlefield. I will push through because God doesn’t give me a spirit of fear. Those fears come from someone with no power over me. If God thinks I can do this, then who am I to say any different?
I’ve always heard,”Its not ministry if its not hard.” 11 countries in 11 months will be hard. Luckily, I have a God who is on my side, so nothing is impossible. I pray that come October, I drop my net and walk away with confidence knowing that God goes before me. That He chose this path for me and He will make it secure.
God is taking this strong-willed, “I can do it by myself” person, and showing her that she can’t do it alone. We were meant to live in community, so I’m calling out to mine. Please pray for me. Pray that I remember who God says I am. Pray I remember what God says I am capable of. Pray for the hearts of my teammates, because I know they must be facing fears of their own. Pray for the lives we are destined to touch and for those destined to touch mine.
11 countries in 11 months. Taking the gospel to the least of these. Meeting people where they are with the Good News of Christ! I’m sorry. I’m afraid, but fear has no power over me. Its merely a hill I must climb on the path I’m traveling.
