I know how to savor joy that I’ve wrung from the tough fruit of pain, but how on earth do I accept joy that isn’t borne of heartbreak?
The past two years of my life have been hard. Good, but hard (I was surprised that it can be both). I learned a lot about embracing hurt and letting God comfort me, about searching hard to find joy in something deeply painful.
But I have realized that I let myself get stuck in that mindset. I’d been tensely holding onto God’s hand for so long that I hadn’t noticed that the storm around me had subsided. The waters weren’t so murky and violent anymore, but the sun had come out and the wind had calmed.
At Training Camp I heard the Lord say to me:
“Megan, I’m bringing you out of a pruning season and into a new growth season.”
At the time it sounded swell. I was ready for a new season. My soul sighed a little in relief. However, as the Race has progressed, I forgot that He said this to me. How easily I forget! And many questions began to swirl in my thought cauldron.
Is that even possible? Can things be good and easy instead of good and hard? Doesn’t everyone say how hard the World Race is? Don’t you grow through adversity? Can I grow without it? Am I being naïve? Or blind to my weaknesses? When am I going to turn the corner and be smacked in the face with pain?
I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I had missed some sort of memo. Am I doing this wrong? Why aren’t I in some sort of emotional or spiritual turmoil? Will that come later? Is it okay that I’m completely enjoying this experience?
Don’t get me wrong, God is shifting and changing things within me, but as a friend wrote to me; it’s like I’m a block of ice and God the sculptor. He spent the last two years knocking off huge chunks of ice, breaking me in drastic ways, and now He’s smoothing out those rough and jagged edges.
Instead of embracing the season I’m in, I’ve felt guilty and confused that I wasn’t struggling. My Squad Leader Carson told me that this is okay, and good even. She was gracious enough to let me quote her journal, because it was exactly what I needed to hear from the Lord too:
“Maybe squad leading (or, for me, the World Race) is the fruit. Maybe (this) is the rain after a drought. Maybe it’s supposed to be full of joy. Maybe this is my sweet season. It doesn’t have to be hard to be meaningful. It doesn’t have to be hard to prove anything. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I hear Papa and I have been following/obeying. It doesn’t have to be hard to be full of growth. I am really happy. I can see the joy in pictures I take. I’m not doing anything wrong because it isn’t hard.
You are blessed. Your soul’s winter is over. The snows are over and gone. Flowers are blooming inside of you. The season of joyful songs has come.”
Just because I don’t have to fight a storm doesn’t mean that this time of life isn’t growth-producing. The World Race can be my restful time with the Lord. The growth I experience here isn’t somehow lesser than the growth I previously received through grief. It’s all blessed. It’s all a gift from God.
This picture is what inspired me to write this blog. In Romania, my friends and I mattress-surfed down the staircase. My squadmate Tay posted it recently, and I was blown away by just how happy I looked.
So if you were wondering how I’m doing out here on the other side of the world, here it is: I’m overflowing with joy, with goodness, I’m hearing God speak to me. I know areas in which I have to grow. I’m learning to obey the Lord even more. I’m still grieving, I still miss mom, but I’m not in crisis. I’m deeply enjoying this stage of life, which is full of simply happy things. I’m living submerged in thankfulness for each gift I notice – big and small. I’m soaking in the beauty of Creation and the blessing that I get to experience it this way. Each day I am overcome by the joy of living in a calling, of knowing I’m exactly where I want and need to be. And because of that, I plan to sing many joyful songs of praise!
