*Prepare yourself to read a long blog post* 🙂
Hey all. As I sit in my hotel room at launch, I’m getting more and more excited to go out into the world with my squad to share the love that Jesus has for His people and experience all that He has for us. Launch has been so good. We’ve gone through a couple of important sessions, which have been very beneficial. Along with that, my squad (Gap M) has had a lot of time to bond and grow together. My squad is seriously the best and I love them so much. I can’t wait to go on this journey with them.
Okay, vulnerability time. I’m just gonna jump right into it.
While I’m super excited for this new journey that the Lord has brought me into, I’m realizing that I still have a lot of my junk to work through. Some of the insecurities that nearly ate me alive this summer are slowly creeping up in my mind again, and I don’t like it one bit.
Satan really likes to put lies in my head. Just loves it. And a lot of the time, I can’t help but listen.
You’re not good enough to be here.
The people here don’t want you here.
Stop talking. It’s annoying.
Don’t try to open up. What you say doesn’t matter.
Even your friends are getting annoyed by you. You must really suck.
Everyone around you is so much prettier than you.
Ugh. Lies aren’t fun to deal with. And they hurt. Like, a lot. But thankfully, I have a God who comes in to save me from my hurt. He comes in and tells me HIS truths for me.
You are good enough for me.
I want you here.
Talk to me, my dear. I love it when you do.
Tell me everything. I will never stop listening.
I want to be your Best Friend. I love every part of who you are.
Megan, I made you in MY image. You are precious in my sight.
Remember that your beauty should be of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in my sight. (1 Peter 3:3-4)
I am yours, and you are mine.
You are NOT unwanted.
You are NOT what the lies say.
Dang, I love it when my Father proves my thoughts wrong. He is so good in that way.
Unfortunately though, I am a forgetful, easily deceived human that sometimes is pulled away from the truths the Lord has for me. Sometimes I let the devil take over my thoughts, and I sit in my sadness.
This happened to me over this summer A LOT. Literally almost every day was a struggle for me because the lies in my head just wouldn’t stop. I asked God to take them away, but they wouldn’t leave.
But guys, let me tell you about a couple of awesome things that happened to me at training camp. I think they’re pretty dang cool.
So as some of you know, I went to training camp for the World Race from July 6-16. Honestly, the first four days were awful. Not because of training camp itself. I was enjoying every thing that we were doing and I loved my new team and my new squad of people that I had just jumped into community with. What was hurting me was the enemy’s voice as I went throughout my days. He told me that my team didn’t want me, that they’d be better off without me, and that opening up wasn’t a smart thing to do because what I had to say wasn’t significant enough. So I listened to him. I believed that nothing about what I had to share was meaningful to my team and that nobody wanted to be my friend. And on the fourth night when we had a session on listening to the Holy Spirit, I became really discouraged. People all around me were sharing the things that they were hearing and seeing from the Spirit, but my mind was silent and my vision was empty. After that session though, such a cool thing happened.
I was feeling pretty down, so I went to my hammock that was set up on the way back to my squad’s campsite and sat by myself. Honestly, I was a little frustrated that God hadn’t spoken to me like I wanted Him to. So I asked Him to show me something if He still wanted me here. So I waited. After a little bit, my friend Kimberly (not on my team, but she’s wonderful) came and sat in the hammock next to mine, but we didn’t say anything. Then, Bailey and Jess came. Bailey sat in my hammock with me and Jess sat in hers to the left of mine. Bailey asked me how I was doing, and I just lost it. Like tears, sobs, and slight weeping. Bailey put her arm around me, and then held my glasses for me. After I explained to them why I was crying, Bailey told me something that was absolutely and utterly from God.
While we were in the previous session, the Holy Spirit had given her three images: a hammock, a hand around a shoulder, and glasses. Like holy poop. There’s the sign I wanted from the Lord. I didn’t deserve it, but He gave it to me anyway.
That night, my spirits were a little higher than they were before, but I was still a little discouraged. Apparently I take a lot of convincing. Which takes us to the next day.
The fifth day. Oh, the fifth day. That was my favorite day.
That morning, we did more listening to the Spirit. This time, we did it as teams. They had us sit in a circle, with our team mentor (shout out to Myles- he’s the best) standing on the outside. As a team, we were suppose to close our eyes and listen to what the Spirit had to say to the person that was chosen (by a tap on the shoulder). So we all closed our eyes, and he tapped somebody on the shoulder – surprise, it was me. My teammates were saying things that were completely corresponding to how I was feeling and what I needed to hear. One thing stuck out to me over the rest, though. Josh simply said, “Isaiah 41:9-10.” That’s it. And the crazy thing – he didn’t even know what it said.
So naturally, I looked it up:
9 you whom I took from the end of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
10 fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Such goodness. All of it. The one line that really stuck out to me, though:
be not dismayed, for I am your God
For those that don’t know (aka myself at the time, so I looked it up), dismay means, “to break down the courage of completely, as by sudden danger or trouble; disheartened thoroughly; daunt.”
I realized that I had let myself be dismayed for all this time. I had been sitting in my disheartened state. Just sitting, and not doing anything about it. I had been praying for God to take the lies away, but I wasn’t letting Him take them away.
Once that truth was made clear to me, the day got so much better. But the greatness of day 5 wasn’t over yet.
Another session we had that day was about the 7 pathways to God. The pathways are: aesthetic, experiential, activist, contemplative, student, relational, and the naturalist pathway. After the session, we went around to seven stations and practiced them all. The naturalist pathway was my favorite. It’s the reason why the fifth day was the best of them all.
So for this pathway, a woman had us sit outside and look out at God’s creation. She gave us three questions to answer and journal about:
1. What does the nature around you tell you about the nature of God?
2. If nature was your only representation of God’s heart toward you, what do you think He thinks of you? Ask God what He thinks of you.
3. Ask God if He has anything to say to you.
Back up real quick: That morning, they talked about different ways that the Spirit has spoken to them before, and I remember that one girl said that He spoke to her through journaling.
Okay, now fast forward: God spoke to me through journaling on number 3. I just started writing, and then it got good.
“You are worthy. And you are seen as untainted in God’s eyes. You are forgiven and loved and appreciated and protected and worth something and why can’t you see that, my child? I call you mine and have taken you as my own. It doesn’t matter if your team hears me/sees me clearly. I will give you my words the way I want you to hear my words. I am your Father. I know you. I love you. Rest in that. Now look at the trees again. They are calm. Even if things press against them, they trust that I will hold them up with my hand. Now you need to trust me. Give your whole self to me. Your hurt, your pain, and your heart. Do not be afraid. I am with you.”
Wow, God gave me such peace in that moment. And such joy. Dang. What a cool God.
Long story short, the devil sucks and his lies aren’t true. God is good and His truth is absolute truth.
Thank you for anybody that read this whole thing. If you didn’t, that’s okay. I still love you.
God bless, friends.
-Meg
