HOW DID I EVER GET HERE?? WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?? WHAT IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?? WHAT WAS I THINKING??
These are just a few of the questions I ask myself often. Really though it’s crazy to think about this. How crazy is it to blink one day and realize how on earth did I get here. Everyday here, that is exactly how I feel. Some days I stand in awe and look back and smile with joy, other days it’s not quite like that. Some days I have to think to myself and thank God for bringing me here because if I’m here that means I’m not where I first began a year ago on this adventure. That means he didn’t leave me where I was but has took me and is taking me somewhere greater. Who knew a year ago this is where I’d be. Well actually I did because a year ago this time the Lord said GO. So I signed up but what I didn’t know is what this actually looked like. We never do or will. The thing is we can imagine what we want it to look like all we want but I can almost promise you it won’t look that way.
Lately I can’t stop thinking about my life before I found Jesus. I can’t help but to think about all the dreams and aspirations I once had. Now I look back and laugh because what was I thinking. Don’t get wrong it’s good to have dreams. Even to this very day I think what if I kept with that dream, where would I be and what would I be doing. But I know that as soon as I surrendered my dreams and future to the Lord that he would take me somewhere I never would be able to go alone. And boy has he done just that. There is no possible way on this earth that without him I could ever take my own two feet alone to do the things I’m doing now.
I catch myself asking this one simple question jokingly a lot; what is my life? Now if you were to ask me “what is your life?”, I honestly can’t tell you what this is exactly. Most days I say this, laugh and just look back and think what in the world especially on days that are filled with ridiculous moments. But the one thing I can tell you is that this is a life surrendered to the Lord. Honestly this is simply life. Yes I’m living in crazy cool countries, eating crazy cool foods, seeing and doing some amazing things but to be honest with you it’s not always like that. It seems better sometimes to not show the hard days or the boring days and it’s easy to put on a facade of what every single day on the race looks like but the actuality of my reality is just life. I wake up at 6:30 get ready and go to ministry, come home, eat at the same restaurant every night at 5:30 and go to bed usually pretty early. Most week days are like this. I learned that before coming on this trip I had this romanticized expectation for the race but I’m now realizing that the only thing different from being here then from being at home is that I’m centered exactly where Christ wants me. He has different lessons, different people and opportunities for me here than at home but it’s nothing more exciting. It’s more special simply because it’s his will. This life even though on days is mundane because it’s still simply just life is still full of hilarious moments when I catch myself saying what is my life. There are also days that make me take a few steps back where I catch myself crying while standing in awe because of Gods grace.
These two months in Thailand my team is working at a school teaching English. Two of my teammates and I teach the older kids so 11-16 years olds and let me tell you these are the days where I laugh. First off English is HARD! Second off it’s hard when you don’t speak Thai. Days in the classroom embarrassing myself, trying to get a point across or trying to teach them capture the flag are days where I bust out in laughter and think what is my life. Jesus chose me to be here of all people and teach these kids, it’s ridiculous but it’s extravagant. I could be doing anything in the world but I’m in Thailand doing something I never thought I would ever do. Two years ago if you would’ve asked me I would’ve told you I would be in college for a dance major now all the dance I do is in front of a bunch of Thai kids teaching them the church clap making a fool out of myself. But there is so much JOY in these kids and in what this life has to offer me.
There are other days that are more serious. Yesterday my team and I had the day off so we went in to town to explore and do ATL ( ask the Lord) ministry. Going into the day I expected to be praying over people and healing them but our day looked more like this. We went out Into the streets of Mae Ai and grabbed Coffee, there we prayed over the day and asked the Lord to guide us. Before we made it out of the coffee shop we met two older men and began to speak to them. One of them had a wife and baby. His wife had a restaurant where we went and had lunch later that day. Now let me just tell you best view you could almost ever ask for at a restaurant and pretty great food. At the end of our visit we were able to pray over this lady and after her words were “ that made my heart happy, it needed that.” We were then invited to come back for Christmas and were blessed by them. It’s crazy how the small things that aren’t super significant can be the times where I will remember most. They are the precious small moments. We were able to bless but also be blessed. After lunch we drove out to an orange orchard, here is where I just looked out and had a day of saying “ what is my life.” This time however it was a moment where I was looking out at this magnificent view thinking how did I get here. He has took me where I could of never gone alone, never in a million years would I have ever been able to get here on my own. Tears stream down my face thinking about the love he has for me, his love is extravagant and it never makes no sense. He took me of all people, broken and hurt and gave me more than I could’ve ever asked for. Yesterday was a day where he caught my attention again because after a couple of really hard days of doubting His love for me and then being knocked down with sickness , I lost sight of him. But yesterday he said “ look out to where you are, I took you here and I’ll take you to even greater places because my love for you is that great and never ends.” Moments like these are priceless because we can say what is this and have no idea how we got where we stand and that is an ultimate testament of God’s love, goodness and faithfulness.
So here I found the answers to my questions up top. How did I ever get here? Well simply by the Lords grace that brought me here and his guiding hands that brought me all the way across the world safely. What am I even doing with my life? I’m simply doing what the Lord called me to do, he said GO so I went. What is my life right now? My life is one devoted to Christ to being right in the middle of his will for my life, it’s simply that. What was I thinking? I was thinking that I wanted the best life no matter what that meant because it means going through hard times too. I was thinking that I knew there was more and boy did I think right because there sure is. There is more beauty, more creation, more love and more people that deserve to be seen all over this world.
This was my view at the orange orchard where Jesus literally knocked my socks off!! He is so goood!!!
