At our debrief in Bangkok, we set aside different times as leadership to share our testimonies with O-Squad. The evening that my testimony was scheduled for, we ended up having the opportunity to be at a local church.
Looking forward to sharing my testimony, I decided to make a slide show of pictures.
It was a little difficult for me to throw together.. partially because I waited until the 2 hours beforehand but mostly because I then wrestled with what pictures to choose and tried to check my motives for each visual aid as well as the story that it would tell.
I have a lot of pictures that depict my happy life wrapped up in a nice, neat bow. What I didn’t expect to see was some of the hurt in my eyes or the eyes of people around me in the photos.
It brought back a fresh sting and a nice queezy swirl in the pit of my stomach.
I thought to abandon the slideshow about 50 times but I didn’t want to quit. I didn’t want to take the easy road and coast through my testimony like I usually do. I wanted to be intentional with what I shared and how I shared it, especially since I knew there would be locals attending.
I completed my slideshow through 2015 before I had to pack up to leave for the church.
I arrived flustered, regretting my unfinished slideshow.
Then started worship.
I expected my nervousness to slip away but I felt beat down.
But a new song started. Now, I don’t know much about music but something wasn’t right.. maybe the key?
It woke me up from my mindless singing and I decided to pour out my heart to the Lord..
Along with my words, flowed my tears. And before I knew it, I was sobbing in the arms of one of my Racers and then a few of them prayed over me.
Shortly after the music stopped, they announced that I was going to speak.
I slowly made my way to the alter and stopped to cry some more, completely in awe of the grace that God has poured out on me.
It was one of those moments I couldn’t help but crumble under the weightlessness and freedom I’ve been gifted through Christ. I didn’t deserve to be forgiven in the first place, I didn’t deserve to be leading a group of 37 young men and women, and I surely didn’t deserve to be standing up on a small stage in Bangkok, Thailand speaking in a church.
I barely pulled myself together and started my story. It may have been the most frazzled version of my testimony ever shared. My laptop didn’t hook up to the projector and I decided to just start speaking. But, at the end, I simply had peace.
I made my way back to my aisle and the worship team started singing again.
It was the ever so popular “Oceans”
Here are some lyrics:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders,
Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.
This song isn’t rare by any means. If you’ve visited a church service in the last 3 years, you’ve probably heard it.
I’ve always thought of it as a desperate cry to the Holy Spirit to lead me somewhere out of my control, out of my comfort zone. Somewhere a little risky where I couldn’t do it on my own.
This time, however, I heard it with a new mind. I realized that I already am somewhere without boarders. I have stepped out on the water. I have been called here. I’m somewhere further and deeper than I could ever make it on my own. My faith is being made stronger. I am in the presence of my Savior.
Leading O-Squad has been a wild journey. The sins of my past deem me unworthy of the opportunity to lead with vulnerability, authority, and grace. But the purity of new life in Christ births freedom and truth.
I am not a perfect human. I have not lived the perfect life. I still fall short and try to function out of my own strength but God is so good and so gracious, welcoming me back into adventuring with Him.
I could not be more grateful for this humbling and stretching adventure of sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ alongside this beautifully wild group of brothers and sisters. I love them more than I thought possible. I’m learning more than I thought possible.
I can’t thank God enough, I can’t thank my supporters enough.
What an honor, what a gift.
Praise God we don’t have to be defined by our past. Praise God he gives us new life.
Praise God!
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.
2 Corinthians 5:17-19
