That’s what I figured out today: it was easier to serve my country.
I’m a rules person.
I love rules..
too much…
I like them clear cut and black and white. I like knowing what is expected of me. I like knowing exactly what I’m supposed to do.
I have found an identity in rule following. I think that’s why I did so well in the Air Force. Manuals upon manuals of exactly what I’m supposed to do all the way down to how to trim my nails.
Talk about the dream! I never really had to question if what I was doing was okay because I could simply go back and reference an Instruction. And if someone else questioned me.. well I could reference the instruction again.
Following rules made me feel good enough. Not only could I judge myself on these rules, I could look at everyone around me and see where I measured up. I even knew where I could go above and beyond to be even better than before.
It isn’t that easy out here. Yes I have this wonderful book called the Bible.. but not everything is as clear as one rule lover may hope. There are commands.. but there’s grace. God doesn’t just care about our actions, but also our hearts.
Following Christ goes beyond rules and into love. God examines our hearts and He sees my selfish intentions, He sees my pride.
It’s not a step by step book telling me exactly what to do and how to do it, it is a relationship with God that leads one step at a time, telling me I’m good enough just as I am, messes and all. He pours out grace upon grace and loves unconditionally.
It sounds wonderful because it truly is.. but I’ve spent the last 23 years of my life loving rules and turning to them to find value, to see where I need to improve.
This last month was a month of me continually searching for something to tell me what I was supposed to do. I shuffled through the Word, I listened to sermons, I watched videos of how other people have interpreted certain sections of scripture but it all did nothing for me.
Then I realized God’s only focus in our relationship right now is for me to love. To actually love Him FIRST and to turn to Him out of a loving interest rather than searching for a rule that will make me feel better about myself.
God is teaching me to simply except grace, to except love, to extend both of those the people around me, and to love Him. I can’t work my way into righteousness and I can’t work my way into relationship.
Sometimes I would rather have a list of rules.. but I know how well that worked out for the Israelites. That’s why God sent Jesus. I know I can’t be good enough on my own. I know that I need Jesus. And I know that being “good” and following rules doesn’t add any value to my life.
We are all priceless just as we are.
So… this is where I am. Letting go of my identity in being a rule follower, surrendering my pride and self-righteousness, and reminding myself I’m here for a reason. Here physically in South Africa, here emotionally missing the Air Force, here spiritually walking out of law and into grace.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
John 14:15
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”
John 13:34
“And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.””
Luke 10:27
