“You should have picked better parents.”
“I wanted somebody else but when I went to point at them my guardian angel tapped me on the shoulder and shook his head. He then pointed at you and said you were the parents I would need.”
Even then I knew better than to argue with my guardian angel and I was pretty sure he knew better than I did what I needed, after all he had just come from a meeting with God where they had talked about my placement on earth. So I figured, even at such an impressionable age, that he knew best. So I went with the ones he showed me.
I found out that they came with 6 other children, whom I later found out were my siblings.
Fast forward 28 years and a lot of adventures later. I’m sitting in a sketchy part of town in a sketchy hotel feeling like I can’t handle life right now. I couldn’t think clearly due to all the emotions in my head, emotions that had piled up over the last week. I had been holding myself together for too long and I had nowhere to go. The only people I had speaking into my situation were team mates that had been through the same thing and were having similar thoughts and feelings.
I questioned why I was here. I didn’t feel like I had done anything of value in two months. I felt alone. Like I said I had no outside voices speaking into my situation and giving me the opportunity to verbally process, give me perspective and allow me to think clearly. In that moment I made a decision, one that will have more effects on my life than I will ever know…I decided to go home. I was done with the race and everything surrounding it.
Going to Africa has been a dream of mine for YEARS. Well here I was in Africa slowly and painfully watching my 20 year dream crumble and die around me. This is not how I wanted to do Africa. I was beginning to hate Ethiopia and I was scared it would not stop there but that I’ll hate Rwanda and Uganda as well. I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want to be “done” with Africa.
The next morning I went to find Wi-Fi, I needed it to book my ticket home. I also needed to call my parents (those two people my guardian angel said I would need.) and tell them what was happening.
“I’m coming home.”
“What happened?!”
Everything came spilling out, all my frustrations, my reasoning…everything. To their credit they never told me what to do. They just listened and offered perspective. It was the first time since being locked down in Hawassa that I had an outside voice speaking into my situation, and clarity had a chance to come in.
I bought a plane ticket, talked to my parents again and went to bed. The next morning I knew what I had to do, and I wasn’t sure how much I liked it, but I knew…I needed to stay. While talking to my dad he said I needed to stay and settle the dust that had been stirred up.
Well, I stayed. I canceled my ticket. Not only did I need to settle the dust but I needed to finish what I had started.
Things didn’t magically come together after that. Two of my team mates did go home. The remaining four finished out the month in a hotel that our leadership finally found for us. We flew to Rwanda where we spent the next four days in a hotel debriefing with the squad. Also during those four days something had to be figured out for the four of us, having a team of four is not ideal for a lot of reasons. The decision was made to split us up among the other teams.
At debrief I also saw the people who have become my friends over the past 9 months. They came around me and listened to my story, prayed with me, offered perspective and said they were glad I had stayed. Comments were made inviting me into their teams. I felt supported in my decision and for the first time, in a long time, I felt like I could finish this race well because of them.
Easy right? Well apparently God wasn’t done using this situation to make me into the person He wants me to be. From the moment we realized that we would likely be split up I started thinking about what team I could see myself on. It was between two of the teams. I prayed a lot about it and was really feeling like the Lord wanted me on one team, meanwhile the leadership team was really feeling the other team. I walked away from a conversation about it suddenly realizing that I had to make a decision. I talked to one of my squad mates and he gave me some thoughts and prayed about it with me.
After another conversation about it, one where we asked God to bring us to an agreement, I decided that I would go with my gut. I knew that God could bring us to an agreement; however, I also felt that God was asking me what I would do with what He was telling me. I went into the next conversation fully prepared to do what I needed to do, asking God for the words to say. With full confidence I said, “I have no doubt that this is the team I need to be on in order to finish the race well.” “I also have no doubt that you need to be on that team.” I was floored, I fully knew that God could bring us to an agreement but I also knew God was asking me what I was going to do with what He had told me.
Things started falling into place and I felt peace.
I am now in Rwanda with my new team, my fourth. I am stepping into a team that has been together for a month, a month of getting to know each other, of working together, of living together. However, they have welcomed me in and I am excited to get to do the rest of the race with them. As some of my friends/squad mates said, “There is no wrong decision, but there is a better decision”. I know that if I had gone home it would have been the right decision. I know that God would have used me in amazing ways. However, staying was a better decision; there will be room for so much more fruit in the future.
God and my guardian angel knew that my parents would be able to help me through, even from an ocean away. He also provided me with friends on my side of the ocean to walk through this with me and support me.
So yeah I probably could have picked “better” parents, but because of what they have been through combined with what I have been through has made me who I am today. And because of that I am sitting in a house in Rwanda with a second chance to finish well.
