I want to share some of what the Lord has been working on in my heart. Whenever I think of explaining this, I imagine the skit from The Skit Guys- God’s Chisel.
( https://youtu.be/AhfUzodLRvk )
The first month for me was difficult- It was an all squad month so serving was a bit different from what I imagined. We had so many racers serving in the same way, so not every moment was filled with serving. But, because of this I had a lot of time for self-reflection.
When I started the race, I wondered how the Lord was going to change me, or transform my heart. During month one I was reluctant to allow Him the space to fully take over my heart, mind, and soul. Maybe I was holding onto who I thought I was, and I feared being who He has called me to be. Whatever the reason is, I started to be self-aware that I was holding back. I wasn’t choosing God, I was choosing the version of myself I thought I should be on the World Race.
Before I left the United States, I started focusing on Psalm 23. I started listening to the song The House of God, Forever by Jon Foreman- a song that sings the verses from Psalm Chapter 23. It is a very simple and beautiful song- https://open.spotify.com/track/6MnvGdPsWirvlY5Xw4lUe5 .
Whenever I reflect on this chapter, I am reminded of the Lord’s promises. I always felt this was dear to my heart, but I did not really focus on the overall message of what David was trying to say.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago- the Lord has started transforming my heart. It started very foundational, I was trying to figure out how He has called me to live, and seeking for His truth. Next, I did not realize how often my mind takes control of my life rather than my heart. For me this has looked like justifying myself, rejecting qualities of people that reflect my fears of who I am, and through my compulsions to either never focus on myself- or the opposite where I focus entirely too much on myself.
As these false versions of myself have been revealed I have felt emotionally weak. Like I am tired of fighting and holding onto something I am not supposed to be.
Now present day, one of my squad mates shared some sermons with me, and I went to watch one by Louie Giglio titled “The Mystery in the Mess”. The title did not reveal much about the message, but as I started watching, it became clear it was about Psalm 23. It was exactly what I needed to hear as I am trying to decipher between my true and false self. This emotional journey is not extremely fun, especially when I look at my past and see where my identity was truly struggling- I wanted to be what I was told I am, or what I looked up too. In Psalm 23 we are reminded of how the Lord is there for us when we are in the valley of darkness (whatever that may look like for any person).
- He makes me lie down in green pastures- rest & peace
- He leads me
- He restores me
- He guides me
- He provides for me- joining me in the middle space that shakes my world
- He protects me with his rod and staff- discipleship and guidance
- He anoints me to do His will and live with the Holy Spirit moving in me
- He follows me with love and mercy (He always has my back)
The Lord will have a table for you in the presence of your enemies, He will be sitting with you if you let Him. He will be with you in the middle of your valley as everything around you is wearing you down and dwindling your spirit. He will restore and protect you. He will not take you out of your valley, because that is never the point. He is there to be with you and to walk through it with you- you can overcome anything.
All of these reminders are vital for me to feel peace as a I feel my core shaking and transforming. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. While we have been resting this week, I read the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, there is a piece I want to share with you.
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (Book 4, chapter 9: Counting the Cost)
So metaphorically speaking I am this house, I had my own plans of how I wanted God to change me, and He has. But now, there is much more work to be done, and I don’t know what the end result will look like. It has physically made me feel sick, weary, and weepy (Maybe a lack of sleep for a few days did not help). But in this struggle, He is right there with me, holding my hand as he chisels away the pieces that are not a part of the end goal. I won’t reach that goal or version of myself on earth, no one will. We receive the most authentic version of ourselves when we get to Heaven, but for now I am letting my Shepard lead me, guide me, discipline, and mold me. I am not the cottage that my internal dreams created in my heart, but I am becoming the palace that He will dwell in. I am realizing my own dreams have been all too small in comparison to who He has made me to be.
