It’s Thursday morning here in Mijas Pueblo, Spain. I’m sitting here and looking at this breathtaking white village, the mediterranean sea, Morocco in the distance, and reflecting on this last month and year on the race. I can’t believe I’ll be home tomorrow night. I’ve been trying for weeks to write this blog, but the words just wouldn’t come. I’ve been wanting to share with all of you about the person you’re going to meet when I get home, because I’m different.
I basically look the same, but the more you look at me the more you’ll notice some things have shifted; the way I act, the things I say and don’t say, the way I choose to spend my time. The Lord has revealed more to me in these past 11 months than I ever thought would be possible; and now when I make decisions and act, it comes from a place rooted in love, grounded on the Father and who he tells me I am. Before the race, I mostly acted out of a place of fear, insecurity, unworthiness, and pridefulness. I served people because I wanted their love and approval, not just because I love to help people. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t all bad, but I didn’t understand my motivations, and more often than not, although my heart may have been in the right place, I was acting out of fear in my flesh – that if I didn’t love and serve people as well as I could my love wouldn’t be enough for them to stay.
Now, I act out of a place of knowing who I am more than I ever have before. I know where my identity is, where my worth comes from, and that I actually am worth it. I speak that over myself every single day. I’m not going to look to my friends and others for affirmation and other things I need, because I know a better place and person to go to. I’m going to ask my friends for advice, but not because I need them to make my decisions. I’m going to buy some cute things, but not because I think I need to always look good and presentable to be seen. I’m still going to wear makeup, but not because I think I am not beautiful if I don’t have any on; more often than not, I probably wont wear any, and that is something I thought I’d never say. I’m not going to choose to be loved by someone who cannot love me well, because I know I have been chosen by someone bigger and better, and his love for me will outweigh all others. I’m still going to have a few drinks with my friends, but not because I’m trying to escape a place of not feeling like I’m lovable or enough; I won’t be the girl you remember who’s the life of the party, but can’t remember the night herself.
I’m going to take time before I make decisions, and instead of asking you about it, I’m gonna ask the Lord. I’m learning to walk in humility and lay down my pride daily, to invite people into the hard places and be vulnerable and tell them I need them because I actually cannot do it alone, surprise!!! Isolation will crush you. I’m waking up everyday choosing to believe that what the Father says about me is true, and that he does have good things for me. I’ve been learning about the sweetness of slow mornings spent with a God I have fallen in love with this year. And he’s been teaching me how to let others love me how I love them. I’m learning more everyday how to wake up and live in a state of joy and adoration and gratitude to my Father who has given me this incredible life. I want to live in and act out of true love, and because the Lord brought me on this incredible journey, I’ve been learning how.
I also have been trying to figure out how to give myself grace. I know I need a lot of it, from myself and from all of you. I want to talk to all of you about this last year, mine and yours! I want to hear all of your exciting stories and updates. I want to talk about the Holy Spirit, crazy revelations, the heartbreaks, and the harvest from the Lord this past 11 months. But I also need to process what this year has been. So ask me real questions. I want to talk about them, but know I may need time (minutes or days) to figure out what to say. I’ve learned how much of a feeler I am, and I’m learning how to separate my emotions and feelings from the groups when I walk into a crowd. That is taking me some time and when I get overwhelmed and need to walk away for a few minutes, know that it isn’t because I don’t want to be there. I just need a moment with the Lord and I know how to speak up for myself now and say what I need.
I’ve been learning to be exactly who the Lord has been and still is creating me to be, without apologies, or fears that I am unlovable, because I know am lovable. I am more myself than I ever have been, and I cannot wait to be home and show you the woman of God, the daughter of the most high King, that I have become.
I love you all so much, and I cannot wait to see you SO SOON!!
Love,
Mack
