Wow, how do I even begin to explain this last month to all of you. Bali was incredible. Abba taught me so many things while I was on that island with his children, with the people that he specifically put me there with. If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, I’ve talked some about my ongoing process with walking into trust and confidence with Abba and the people I love. This month Abba asked me to fast from my home relationships and social media, when I was first explaining it to people I was afraid that the people I love at home would forget about me if I wasn’t there. But the Lord did something really sweet for me from the very beginning of the month when I said yes to his mission for me; he completely displaced my fearful feelings of not being enough to be remembered. As soon as I surrendered to his will and what he was asking me to do, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace, knowing that my people have already chosen me, that I have already chosen them, and that a month away isn’t going to change that. I was able to fully experience this last month without being distracted by things at home or comparison, I was able to rest and abide with Abba in his presence and with the women who have so quickly become some of my biggest defenders.
He also showed me that my people here on earth, though incredible, aren’t my place of safety and comfort, He is. When I was upset or fighting a lie that has been told me since I was younger over this last month, it wasn’t the people that I needed to go to in order to overcome it, it was and is and always will be, Abba. He filled me with peace and confidence and told me of my worth. While in Indo, I was nervous to come to the Philippines (we arrived here on Tuesday), because the only thing I have tied to this country is a boy that I dated a long time ago. While we were together he was deployed here, and the only memories I have are of him and our fights while he was stationed here, and the PTSD that he fought with, and I tried to fight for him, when he was home. I was (and still am) also apprehensive about my mom, and the feelings Abba has given me of conviction about needing to truly forgive her. With no friends at home to talk to about these things, I turned to Abba and my teammates, and I was able to say that those experiences and memories weren’t going to dictate my month here in the Philippines, and that if Abba wants me to forgive my mom, then he is going to help me. I was able to realize my feelings tied to those experiences, and how so much of my self-worth is tied into performance and being loved and chosen by people; but Abba gave me peace about all of it (not saying forgiving my mom is a piece of cake now, because it isn’t, but if he wants that, then I want him to change my heart to want it to). I think he is telling me this upcoming month in the Philippines is going to sweeter than I could have ever imagined, that he has things planned for my mom that I could never imagine.
Abba also showed me about dependence. Our first adventure day I got an ear infection from the ocean and had pain in my jaw, temple, and ear like I have never experienced. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or hear. The Lord taught me about depending on others, accepting, and asking for help from the people around me, and I did, with a willing heart. My teammates woke up in the middle of the night to pray for me, another teammate insisted on putting drops in my ear (even though I was fully capable), another offered to pay for my medical expenses so I didn’t have to worry about it in the moment, and my hosts took me to the ER, payed for the bills, and payed for my lunch because ‘I am their daughter and they want me to be well.’ A month and a half ago I never would have accepted any of that kind of help from anyone. I never would have crawled out of my tent in the middle of the night to wake others up to pray for me while I cried, never would have taken someone else’s money to pay for something that was my problem; but the Lord is wrecking me ya’ll, in sweet sweet ways to depend on those around me, and it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.
Last month in Indonesia I found out I wouldn’t be team leader once we had team changes (which happened three days ago here in Manila). I was asked not to talk to any of my teammates for logistical reasons, couldn’t talk to people at home because I was fasting them, and wasn’t supposed to talk to leadership for at least 24 hours and I took it to Abba. LOL YOU GUYS ARE YOU KIDDING ME. As soon as I was told I wasn’t going to be a TL the enemy tried to take me down with lies that I wasn’t good enough, that I was a failure in everything I do, that I made too many mistakes, that I didn’t choose my teammates well enough, walk in vulnerability enough, lead well enough, love well enough. Usually I would call a friend from home to find comfort, but I couldn’t. Instead I got to lay there with God and weep and tell him how I was feeling, and then He told me what he was saying. The enemy was whispering lies to me, but the Lord was shouting love to me. His words began to drown out the enemy, and he comforted me quicker and more confidently than my friends or family ever could have.
I also learned about Abba’s provision and his protection (for the safety of the people, their names have been changed). During our time in Bali we met the sweetest family. Mary, the young mom, got baptized while we were there, a brave and dangerous declaration of her desire to follow the Father, even though it meant that her family would no longer support her because she is walking away from their faith. She also has a baby with a man who she has not married yet, but let me tell you, this family is one of the sweetest I have ever met. The Lord is protecting Mary as she steps out in boldness to declare her love for her heavenly Father. Despite the fact that her family doesn’t want to know her anymore because she wants to know Jesus, she is chasing after the Father and learning what it looks like to be loved by him. We gained a sister in Christ this month because the lord chased after her and showed her how much more incredible he is than other god on this planet, and she believes him! On our first night, our neighbors offered their villa, equipped with an outdoor shower, big yard, pool, and ample space, to us to live in, for free, for the month instead of living in the office of our hosts. Talk about the Lords favor, I never would have expected that I would be staying in a place that nice while on the race, but the Lord showed his provision and gave us the perfect excuse to get to know a family and pour his love out over them. Now we have relationships with that family and others, our Bali family, that will last a lifetime.
Our God is a God of love and peace, of provision and protection, he fulfills his promises to us. He chases after every single one of us with the desire to show us his heart for us. He chased after me this past month and I got to taste some of the sweetness of the fruit that was reaped when I worked to do his will and I can’t wait to experience more of that.
“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.” Psalm 138:8
“Not one of the Lord’s good promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.” Joshua 21:45
