For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been a Wyldlife and Younglife leader since my Sophomore year of college, and it is rad. I started leading the sweetest group of 6th grade girls that year and have been with them ever since. My senior year of college was their freshman year of high school; how did that already happen? These girls are some of the sweetest friends I could ever have, I would and will do anything for them. Being a YL leader means meeting my girls where they’re at. I’ve picked them up late at night when they don’t want to be home. I’ve talked on the phone with them when they have no one else to call and are so upset that they feel like they can’t breathe. I’ve spent the night in a hospital, the night before a final, snuggled in the PICU bed watching movies because there was no one else. I’ve laughed with these girls until we can’t breathe, eaten way too much candy with them, talked about boys with them. I’ve watched their games, their plays, their recitals, eaten ice cream with them, watched sunsets with them, talked about our sweet Abba with them, and loved them like Jesus as well as I could. I’ve lived life with these girls. Leaving them was one of the hardest things about leaving for the race, because the last thing I want them to think is that I’m like everyone else who left and didn’t come back.
I’m telling you about my high school friends because today I finished watching the all popular original Netflix series: 13 Reasons Why and I want to tell you why I watched it and what I feel now. I’ll admit, part of me wanted to watch it to see what all the fuss was about, considering everyone has been watching it. I read the book when I was in high school, and now my sweet high school friends are watching it. I knew deep down I didn’t want to watch it, I read the book and vaguely remember what it was about. For those of you who don’t know, here is a little summary; and heads up, it will probably be hard to read.
The book and show is about a girl named Hannah Baker who committed suicide her Junior year of high school. When she died she left behind 13 tapes that were to be given to certain people. Each tape represented a person from her high school, and on each tape she tells the story of why they were the reason she killed herself. The reason why they killed her. The show is graphic, it shows Clay, the other main character who the show and book is told through, and others getting brutally beat up; in two different episodes it tells of how two girls were raped, it shows you how the two girls were crying and unable to do anything, it is heartbreaking and infuriating and horrible. On the last episode it shows how Hannah, crying and hopeless, climbing into her bath tub, cutting her wrists open, and bleeding out until she dies. It literally shows her cutting her wrists up her forearms, sobbing and hardly being able to breathe. It shows how boys in her school objectified her and violated her in the hallways. The show glorifies suicide. It gives the impression that if you commit suicide that you will get revenge on the people who have broken you. That no one actually wants to, or cares enough, to help when you need help.
I watched this show because I know my sweet high school friends are watching it, have watched it, will watch it. I watched it because I want to be able to tell them that there is a better way. Because I need them to know that when life feels hopeless and you want people to understand and know your pain and hurt and brokenness, when you want people to realize what they did and try to make it right, that committing suicide is not going to do it. It is not going to give you revenge. In real life, suicide is not an action that is glorified.
That feeling of not having anyone, of feeling so alone you’d rather die, is a horrible feeling to have, I know because I’ve felt it. During the year of 7th grade I cut myself because I wanted control of my own pain. When I finally told someone about it I was put on medication that made me feel like a robot, and when I was tired of feeling that way, the idea of dying didn’t seem so bad. I haven’t self-harmed since the summer after 7th grade, and until college I hadn’t thought of taking my own life since the 8th grade, but when my mom found out what I wanted to do back then she literally scared me out of it. Shortly after that I moved in with my dad and Stephie and things were much better at home, but much worse in school.
Speed up to college, the summer and start of junior year was really hard for me. Even though I knew in my heart that I never would, I found myself thinking thoughts I didn’t want to think. On my drives home to Okanogan I would think about driving off the road, driving into the trees, or driving my car into the other lane of traffic when I passed a semi truck. Thank Jesus that I went to Guatemala that January for a medical mission trip, He healed me from every single one of those thoughts and in other ways that I can’t even begin to comprehend.
Those thoughts and feelings are not me anymore, the Lord took them away, and my heart burns with righteous indignation because people have made a show that glorifies suicide, that makes it look like a good end to problems. Because someone might watch this show and think that nobody cares about them, nobody would want to help. Because someone might watch this show, and without even knowing it, the seed of suicide will be planted in their head. They won’t be able to stop the thought in their head about what it would be like to have no control of their body, the seed of fearing all men will be planted, the visual of cutting open their wrists will be planted. And that makes me overwhelmed with righteous indignation, with righteous anger. Doesn’t it make you feel that way too? That’s why I had to write this to all of you, because I need you to know that this show is so much more than just a show.
If my sweet YL friends, or anyone else, are reading this, listen to me. High school can be so hard, I know, I lived it, and if it’s my choice I will never go back there. Honestly if it weren’t for a few friends that stuck around when things were tough, I probably never would have left because I wouldn’t have made it out. I know how much life can hurt, but I also know that there were people for me and also for you who are begging to help. Real life isn’t like 13 Reasons Why, dying isn’t that easy. I promise that if you hold onto Abba, our Papa, our God, with everything that you have, that He will bring you out of it. I promise that the best is yet to come, that there is more outside of where you are right now. That the Lord wants to hold your heart and heal it and show you what it means to be loved. That there are other and better ways to feel what you feel, to work through life. I promise that if you let Him, God will use people around you to show you how much He unconditionally loves you, that He has more for you than what you’re living now. Maybe it’ll be a sibling, a parent, teacher, friend, coach, or maybe He will even use one of us leaders. How stinking sweet would that be?
I love you all with every piece of my heart and I will do everything I can to show you I will always fight for you. And when I fail and disappoint you, when others fail and disappoint you (we will because we aren’t God), the Lord will never do that. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will never not choose you, not fight for you. He will never look away from you, and if He walked your halls, He would never avert His eyes from you. And he would never want you to take your life, He would never, ever want that.
So if you haven’t yet, don’t watch 13 Reasons Why, don’t read the book. Don’t be encouraged to take your life because of a fictional story that makes it look nice. If you have, know that there is more. That the Lord wants so much more for you, that He loves you so much more than you could imagine. Know that suicide isn’t as fancy and easy as it looks in the show, know that cutting your wrists open is harder in real life then the show portrays it. Know that there are people around you who want to help, I promise. And know that I love you so much, I promise. Maybe you have 5, 13, 18 reasons right now why you feel like you’d want to die, but I promise that Abba has infinitely more reasons than that as to why He wants you to live, and why you should want to live too.
If you or someone you know is struggling with feelings of suicide, call:
Emergency number: 911
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Call Center: 1-800-273-8255
If you or someone you know has been raped or sexually assaulted, call:
Emergency number: 911
Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-877-995-5247
Crisis Call Center: 1-800-273-8255
Thanks for reading friends, I love you mucho
Mack
