Two weeks ago I didn’t want to go on the World Race anymore. At all.
I’ve been preparing since December and have been so excited, I’ve felt this whole time like this is where I am supposed to be, and two weeks ago all I could think was “God, why did I sign up for this?’ ‘How can I leave my best friends and family in a time like this?’ One of my very best friends lost her dad after four long years of battling ALS on Wednesday, August 2nd, one day before I had to be in Georgia for Launch. I cut my time at home short and left early Wednesday morning to see Alyssa, her family, and her dad, Phil. My sweet, sweet parents just looked at me and told me to go. Leaving them early was excruciating. But they love me so well, well enough to tell me to go where I need to go; whether that be across the state to Alyssa, or across the world to the people here who need Jesus. Alyss and I had been talking since the Friday before, and on Sunday I decided I would go over to see them and Phil, we got there 30 minutes after he passed away. We didn’t make it in time. But when I got to say my last goodbye, the amount of peace I saw on his face was hard to comprehend.
I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I love Phil. How incredible of a man he is. I only knew him for 3 years, and the impact he had on me is one that I cannot explain. He raised an incredible daughter, one of my very best friends, my soul sister, and he spurred me on toward the Lord every time I saw him. At the start of Senior year, I decided to apply for the race instead of nursing school, and it was one of the toughest decisions I’ve had to make. But every single time I went to see Alyssa and her family, Phil would ask me to do the things for him that he needed help with. I was a caretaker for 3 years during college for a sweet 95 year old lady named Leena who passed away this spring, and let me tell you, she was very particular about how she wanted every. single. thing. Including how she wanted her clothes positioned. One day when I was at Alyssa’s house this past January, we were leaving to get doughnuts (our fav pastime), I was rearranging the sleeves of Phil’s jacket, socks, and pants, just something I’m used to doing with Lee. Phil looked down at me and just so simply and matter-of-factly said “Mack, one day you are going to make the most incredible nurse.” It was such a simple thing to say, but it almost brought me to tears, honestly as I’m writing about it now, it is bringing me to tears.
The last time I talked with Phil face to face was Saturday, June 17th,. As we were crying and saying goodbye to each other for now, I asked him if he would be one of my angels, even though I know he has a lot of people to look after. When I asked him he just cried and smiled and looked at me and told me he would love to. He told me he would take lots and lots of three deep breaths in the sun for me.
(Three deep breaths is a thing my housemates and I do. Amelia and I started doing it Sophomore year of college. Every single day on our way to do things, we would stop in the sun, link our arms, tilt our heads toward it, and take three silent, deep breaths with our eyes closed, and then we’d go on our way. Eventually we started doing it with other friends, housemates, and Phil. Now it is one of the sweetest things we all do together. The day Amelia got married this summer, moments before we began to walk out to the crowd waiting for her, Alyssa, Amelia, and I all ran together and took three deep breaths, that’s how sweet of a thing it is to us.)
Some of my sweetest three deep breaths have happened with Alyssa, Amelia, and Phil. Phil and I would sit out in his driveway, him in his chair, me on the pavement, with our faces to the sun; sometimes talking and sometimes just enjoying each others sweet company in silence. His laugh is boisterous and contagious, his love for sour punch straws matches my own, his love and knowledge of nature and flowers is incredible, and his love for Jesus is something I will strive after for a very long time. The day I left for launch, the day after Phil finally went to heaven and met his sweet Papa, Alyssa and our other friends dropped me off at the airport. As I was about to leave, Alyssa took me in her arms and looked at me and said “Mack, now you have your guardian angel watching over you from heaven, you’re one of his daughters, he loves you so much.” Wow, talk about an incredible, selfless, loving friend. I am so blessed.
At launch, I questioned God for the first time ever. Launch was hard in general, Team Leader training was awesome, but some parts were really a struggle. I cried, a lot. During Friday night parent worship, we sang King of My Heart, one of my all-time favorite songs. I began to cry during the part of the song that sings you are good, I literally couldn’t sing. I felt like I was wondering, or maybe God was asking me, “Am I still good? Do you believe I am still good? even though I took Phil home? Am I still good?” even though my heart is mourning, I know in my core that He is good, even if I didn’t know in that moment. The song sings ‘you’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down.” And it shook me to the core, God doesn’t let us down. I miss Phil; I want him to be here when I get home. But more than anything, I want Phil to be without pain, I want him to be with Abba, I want him to be free from the confinements of a chair, and now he is. When my sight is aligned with my sweet Father’s, I know that He will never let me down.
The last night of Launch, we sang King of My Heart again, and I was able to sing it to God with a new perspective. Trust is a hard thing for me, but little by little I am learning just how trustworthy God is, and how good he still is. The worship band told us to listen to them sing, that what they were going to sing was God speaking to us, and then they sang, “you are good, you’re good, oh, you are good, you’re good, oh, you’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down.” I found myself falling to my knees in awe of our amazing God and Father. Despite my doubts of Him being good, He still thinks I am good. He will still tell me that I will never let Him down. He is still good. Now, I’m here on the race in Colombia, with tears in my eyes writing to all of you, because I’m learning just how good Abba is, while my sweet guardian angel watches over me every step of the way.
