Wow, who knew that wandering around a grocery store in a Malaysian mall could stir up so many emotions in me. I had a feeling going into it that it was not going to be good. Maybe not bad, but not good because I was tired, hungry, and hot, a lethal combination. In the words of my cousin Shanna, “I wasn’t thinkin’ straight.”
Melissa, Talya and I walked up and down the aisles of Cold Storage, a local grocery store. I needed to get breakfast for the rest of the week and snacks for our upcoming weekend at the beach. I was aimlessly wandering around the store. I could not focus. I was nearly in tears. I think I actually just laughed to keep myself from crying. It was kind of comical then and especially now. But after taking some time to reflect and think about my hour in that grocery store, I have a better understanding of what was going on in my mind.
I have never wanted for anything. All my basic needs have been met my entire life. Anything I have ever wanted, I have gotten it, no problem. I have supported myself the past 5 years, never needing to ask for help. I have prided myself on my independence. So here now, all I wanted was a package of American cookies or any familiar snack for that matter, and I could not buy them. I mean I guess I could have, but not really, considering the price was my food budget for two entire days.
In that moment, I felt like I failed. I could not even provide for myself. I felt control slipping through my fingers. I am no longer living a life in excess. I am no longer able to do everything that I want to do. I am no longer living an independent life because I am required to be dependent. I mean, I could not even go to the store by myself that day because we use the buddy system. (*side note: I am not complaining because I LOVE living in community, but the realization that I cannot even if I want to, stings sometimes.)
“This is the language of dependence- of having to rely on God because you are bankrupt. In a land founded on independent, dependence is a concept most of us struggles to understand. Everything in me wants to be self-sufficient. And that’s the problem, my posture is incompatible with the idea of a God who wants to display his power through me, especially in my weakness.”
The Lord has been teaching me a lot about independence these past 4 months. As Americans, independence is at the core of our values; it is our natural born right; it is something we hold dear to; it is something that is celebrated.
“For those of us who live in American, one of the wealthiest countries in the world, this concept of dependence can be a struggle. It is for me. The reality is I don’t have to trust him. I have everything I need- enough money, enough food, and adequate shelter. Usually, without really having to trust him for my daily bread it still ends up on the table. Thus, I too easily default to a position of self-sufficiency. Without fresh evidence of his provision, my faith begins to weaken- I’m not sure about his trustworthiness as I once was. “Will he show up that way again?” I ask myself. Spiritual entropy begins to set in.”
And while celebrating independence as an American nation is slightly different from celebrating independence as an individual, you see, it is impossible to live life in true freedom apart from the Lord.
“This is what we learn when we have to depend completely upon God. We come to the end of ourselves and come to rely on the God who is so far beyond ourselves… We leave everything, lose everything, and then, empty-handed, received everything back again. Along the way, God reveals his glory through us. The experience is transforming. You can’t help loving and trusting a God like that.”
The Lord did not create us to be independent people. The Lord did not create me to be an independent person. It is funny that He used cookies in a grocery store as a way to teach me this.
The Lord created us to depend on Him. He is the source.
“Yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live.” 1 Corinthians 8:6
Apart from Him, we can do nothing.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
The Lord also created us to be interdependent on other people. He created us as the Body of Christ.
“Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” 1 Corinthians 12:27
We were each created to play a specific part in order to grow and build one another up in love.
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.” Ephesians 4:15-16
So today, I celebrate that I don’t have to be independent, self-reliant, and take care of myself, but rather, I celebrate the freedom that the Lord assures me through trusting and resting in Him.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Corinthians 3:17
**The quotes in blue are from Kingdom Journeys: Rediscovering a Lost Spiritual Discipline by Seth Barnes, Chapter 10: Dependence. I highly recommend it!**
