I have no doubt that my parents’ teachings that we belong to each other, and my sisters’ passion for the powerless, and my gift at loving people well, and the extra money and other resources that God’s given me to share, and my faith, and my teaching experiences with underprivileged children, and on and on and on ALL have to to with how I feel about abortion.
My dreams are the sum total of everything that has ever happened to me, everyone I’ve ever met, every book I’ve ever read, every friend I’ve loved, every mistake I’ve made, and every song I’ve sung. So I would be silly to pretend to be certain that the two, abortion and my experiences, are entirely unrelated. Everything is related to everything, obviously.
What begs to be addressed here is why people shame women who have had abortions. Or people are surprised if they don’t suffer from insane amounts of guilt for their abortion.
Please, let me be clear: They shouldn’t have any shame about their abortion. None. I know that’s hard for some people to hear, because in some circles, if you are Christian and abortion has been a part of your life, you are supposed to beat your chest and gnash your teeth and repent and then join crusades to end abortion by any means necessary, and speak through tears to large and small groups of people and swear to them that abortion was the worst mistake you’ve ever made and explain that you pray for your dead baby in heaven every night. THEN your sinner-self will be embraced and used as a poster girl. Literally, likely.
But why? Why do we do that? I won’t be a part of that, ever. I know that’s true for some, and I respect that each has her own path. But I won’t contribute to shaming a woman for a choice she has made. Have you ever actually spoke with a woman who has had an abortion?
I have.
Typically, she has done the best she could at the time with the resources she felt she had. They’ve done so much apologizing to the world—but mostly themselves. I feel sad for the lost girl they used to be, and I am fiercely protective of that precious girl who had to go through that scary day and the days that preceded and followed. I am really quite proud of her for making it through. She shouldn’t feel ashamed. She is forgiven and whole, and I know that God never let go of her hand before, during, or after her abortion. God and I are clear on this issue.
Maya Angelou says, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” Amen. There is no room for shame or regret, people. We are all too full, too forgiven, too adored, too fully loved, too full of ideas and dreams and passion to waste our precious lives pretending to be crippled by something that is imaginary, like shame. Shame is an illusion. It disappears so easily.
Hear me out. I have confused feelings about the abortion issue. I think that “issues” like abortion are really just “people,” so it’s best to think of them as such. One at a time. One person at a time. I don’t believe they need to feel shame about their abortion. But I don’t love abortion either. And/Both. I think there are probably better ways.
But I also think that if you really, really hate abortion, it might be nice to volunteer at a Boys and Girls Club and become a mentor, to offer a kid another way to experience love and connection so she doesn’t go looking for it in the wrong places. It might be wise to try to jump into the mix before it’s too late. I think the picket lines at the clinics might be a little too late. And offering unsolicited suggestions to a woman who already had an abortion is certainly too late.
As for me, I’ve had friends confide in me that they were pregnant and considering abortion. It rocked my world. That’s when I heard Jesus whisper, But Lyndz, what do I say? And I’m reminded, Oh yeah. It’s my job to hold her and tell her that she was loved and that she had many choices. That she could live with me, and I’d help in whatever way I could. And if she wanted to keep the baby, I’d help her start her life.
And if she decided that abortion was the only way, I would hold her hand and love her through it and demand that she know that she was as loved and adored the moment after the abortion as she was on the day she was born.
“Everyone is God speaking. Why not be polite and listen to Him?” —Hafez
Holy crap. I love God, and I’d really like to get closer to him. I’ve been thinking about how one of the simplest ways to get close to a woman is to be good to her children. To be kind and gentle and to pay close attention to the things that make them special. To try to see her children the way she sees her children. And how God made us in his image. How he is mother and father of all of us. So I wonder if that would be the best way to get closer to him too. By being kind and gentle to his children and noticing all of the things that make them special. So many of us spend our time trying to find God in books, but maybe the simplest way to God is directly through the hearts of his children. Let’s stop shaming His children.
The only meaningful thing we can offer one another is love. Not advice, not questions about our choices, not suggestions for the future, just love.
