I watch America’s responses to bullying closely. People always seem quite shocked by the cruelty that is happening in America’s schools. I’m baffled by their shock, and I’m concerned about what is not being addressed in their proposed solutions.
The acceptable response seems to be that we should better educate students and teachers about what bullying is and how to react to it appropriately. This plan is positive, certainly. But on its own, it seems a little like bailing frantically without first looking for the hole in the boat.
Each time these stories are reported, the sound bite is: “kids can be so cruel.” This is something we tend to say: kids these days can be so cruel. But I think this is just a phrase we toss around to excuse ourselves from facing the truth. I don’t think kids are any crueler than adults. I just think kids are less adept at disguising their cruelty.
I have heard that the students who are most likely to be bullied are gay kids, overweight kids, and Muslim kids. Hmmmmm.
I bet that wherever this statistic came from, that at this point in American history, gay adults, overweight adults, and Muslim adults feel the most bullied as well.
Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be “grownup,” so they act how grown-ups act when we think they’re not looking. They do not act how we tell them to act at school assemblies. They act how we really act. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. That they are not equal. That they are to be feared. And people hurt the things they fear. We know that. What they are doing in the schools, what we are doing in the media—it’s all the same. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and sitcom one-liners.
People are sensitive. People are heartbreakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he is not okay, he will believe it.
So how is any of this surprising? It’s quite predictable, actually. It’s a trickle-down cruelty.
I don’t know much. But I know that each time I see something heartbreaking on the news, each time I encounter a problem outside, the answer to the problem is inside. The problem is always me and the solution is always me. If I want my world to be less vicious, then I must become more gentle. If I want children to embrace other children for who they are, to treat other children with the dignity and respect every child of God deserves, then I have better treat other adults the same way. And I better make sure that the children in my life know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God’s and my eyes, they are okay. They are loved as they are. Without a single unless. Because the kids who bully are those who are afraid that a secret part of themselves is not okay.
And on that note, I wrote this letter to any and all people who have felt rejected by the church because they are gay and because of that—they have told no one.
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Dear Beloved,
Whoever you are, whoever you become, you are loved. You are a miracle. You are a dream come true.
Here is what would happen in my life if one day you were to tell me that you are gay.
My eyes would open wide.
Then I would grab you and hold you tighter than you would be able to bear. And while I was holding you, I would say a silent prayer that as little time as possible passed between the moment you knew you were gay and the moment you told me. And I would love you and ask you one million questions, and then I would love you some more and finally, I would rush out and buy some rainbow T-shirts.
And I don’t mean that I would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. Every person is Divine. And so there would be celebrating. Celebrating that you had stepped closer to matching your outsides with your insides—to being who you are. And then I would tell everyone. I would not concern myself too much with their reactions. There will always be party poopers.
I’ve worried that since I am a Christian, and since I love the Bible so much, there might come a day when you feel unclear about my feelings about this, since there are parts in the Bible that appear to discuss homosexuality as a sin. Let me be clear about how I feel, because I have spent years of prayer and discussion deciding.
I don’t believe that homosexuality is a sin. The Bible was inspired by God, but it was written, translated, and interpreted by imperfect people just like us. This means that the passing of this sacred scripture from generation to generation and from culture to culture has been a bit like the “telephone game” you play at school growing up. After thousands of years, it’s impossible to judge the original spirit of some scripture. I believe that when in doubt, mercy triumphs judgment. So I am a Christian who studies and prays and then carefully chooses what I follow in the Bible, based on whether or not it matches my understanding of Jesus’s overall message. Certainly I make mistakes. Everyone does. But it’s my duty to try. We all must work out our own faith with fear and trembling. It’s the most important thing we will ever do. Even so, some people will tell you that my approach to Christianity is scandalous and blasphemous. But, the only thing that is scandalous about this approach is admitting it out loud. The truth is that every Christian is a Christian who chooses what he follows in the Bible.
I remember being a part of a Bible study where there was some talk about homosexuality being sinful. I quoted Mother Teresa and said, “When we judge people we have no time to love them.” I was immediately reprimanded for blasphemy by a woman who reminded me of 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. But I was confused because this woman was speaking. In church. And she was also wearing a necklace. And I could see her hair. She had no head covering. All of which are soooooo totally against the New Testament Bible Rules. And so I assumed that she had decided not to follow the parts of the Bible that limited her particular freedoms, but to hold fast to the parts that limit the freedoms of others. I didn’t point this out at the time, because she wasn’t a bad person. People are doing the best they can, mostly. It’s best not to embarrass anyone.
Much of the Bible is confusing, but the most important parts aren’t. Sometimes I wonder if people keep arguing about the confusing parts so they don’t have to get started doing the simple parts. So a long time ago, I decided that if a certain scripture turns my judgment outward instead of inward, if it requires me to worry about changing others instead of myself, if it doesn’t help me become a better lover of God and life and others, if it distracts me from what I am supposed to be doing down here—finding God in everyone, feeding hungry people, comforting the sick and the sad, giving whatever I have to give, and laying down my life for my friends—then I assume I don’t understand it yet, and I get back to what I do understand. What I do understand is that we are reborn. And here is what I believe it means to be reborn:
The first time you’re born, you identify the people in the room as your family. The second time you’re born, you identify the whole world as your family. Christianity is not about joining a particular club; it’s about waking up to the fact that we are all in the same club. Every last one of us. So avoid discussions about who’s in and who’s out at all costs. Everybody is in. That’s what makes it beautiful. And hard. If working out your faith is not beautiful and hard, find a new one to work out. And if spiritual teachers are encouraging you to fear anyone, watch them closely. Raise your eyebrow and then your hand. Because the phrase repeated most often in the Bible they quote is Do No Be Afraid. So when they tell you that gay people are a threat to marriage, think hard.
I can only speak from my personal experience, but my parents have been married almost forty five years (it honestly could be longer-I’ve lost track) and to my knowledge I don’t know a single gay person who has tried to break up their marriage. I’m fairly certain that the only threats to their marriage have been their pride, insecurities, anger, and wanderlust (Sorry Mom and Dad–you can do hard things! You know, like being my Mom and Dad–love you both). Do not be afraid of people who seem different from you. Different always turns out to be an illusion. Look hard.
God gave you the Bible, and he also gave you your heart and your mind, and I believe he’d like you to use all three. It’s a good system of checks and balances he designed. Prioritizing can still be hard, though. Jesus predicted that. So he gave us this story: A man approached Jesus and said that he was very confused by all of God’s laws and directions and asked Jesus to break it down for him. He asked, “What are the most important laws?” And Jesus said, “ Love God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and love others as yourself.” He added that every other scripture hangs on this one. So use that ultimate command as a lens to examine all other scripture. And make damn sure that you are offering others the same rights and respect that you expect for yourself. If you do that, you can’t go wrong.
You are okay. You are a child of God. As is everyone else. There is nothing that you have done or will do that will make God love you any more or any less. Nothing that you already are or will become is a surprise to God. Tomorrow has already been approved.
And so, I have only one expectation of you. And that is that you celebrate others the way I celebrate you. That you remember, every day, every minute, that there is no one on God’s Green Earth who deserves more or less respect than you do.
“He has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8
And if you’re straight, that’s okay too.
I’m here. And I believe in you.
Let’s celebrate,
Lyndsee
