J.I Packer once said, “The weaker we feel, the harder we lean.The harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually.” There will be a day when it all falls apart. These are things I cannot change. Can’t fix, can’t heal, can’t put the broken pieces back together. But I’m slowly learning that my heart is more elastic than I think. And the work of forgiveness and transformation and growth can do things I can’t even imagine from where I’m standing now.
I think I’ve cried more tears these past two years than I have in my entire life. I’m coming out of a season of where I sat and begged God to direct my life. But those things did not have a chance to transform me, because under those actions and intentions was a rocky layer of faithlessness, fear, and selfishness. I didn’t like the person I became and I’m not proud of the contagious fear and ugliness I left in my wake. I’m definitely transitioning. Transitioning out of ugliness and into a season of bittersweet. One of my favorite writers, Shauna Niequist, has said that, “Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness…Bitter is what makes us strong…sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful and courageous.” So here’s to my scary, yet amazing journey of bittersweet.
Ever since being accepted to participate in World Race, I’ve had one of those days. You know, one of those days where you feel like it’s all unraveling. Like, this is it. I’m done. But then something divine happens and you can literally see God in the midst of it ALL. People, this is happening. Every. Single. Day.
A couple of weeks ago I was running an errand for my job, and my car died. In the middle of the road, it just died. Talk about stress and anxiety. The light was green, people were honking, and there was nothing I could do. I simply turned my car off, turned on my emergency flashers (you know, those ones you never actually want to be in a situation to use), and I said a little prayer.
“God, please. If you could just allow me to get down the road, to Tyler’s Automotive.”
He gently whispered, “Go.”
So I turned the key, and my car started. And guess what? I made it to Tyler’s! I went in and explained what happened to one of the techs. He came and ran a diagnostic, and couldn’t determine what was wrong. In fact, he said nothing was wrong. I assured him something was wrong. So he humored me. He got in my car with me while I attempted to duplicate the problem (the very real issue I just experienced in the middle of the road with angry motorists). Yeah, nothing. I couldn’t get my car to stall or quit on me. So, I drove back to work. On my way home that evening, my car died 8 times. Mind you, it was pouring rain. I managed to coast into a Walgreens parking lot. You know, at the corner of happy and healthy. HAH.
I called one of the guys I work with, and explained to him what had happened. He wanted me to get out of my car and run a few self-diagnostics so he could help me determine what was wrong. So I got out. Within seconds I was drenched. After tinkering around with everything he told me to do, he figured it was my fuel filter. So I asked him if that was something I could get fixed at a Jiffy Lube. He said yes, no problem. So I said another little prayer, and hoped to make it to Jiffy Lube. That whole drive it was as if I was holding my breath. But, I made it! My car literally died as I was pulling into the last open bay at my local Jiffy Lube. Luckily my check engine light came on, and they were able to access what was wrong.
Jiffy told me that it would cost $580 to fix my car. They were actually closing in 20 minutes and said if I brought it back the next morning, they could order the parts and start working. Here’s the thing. I worked the next morning and I couldn’t reach my boss and no one was willing to cover for me. After explaining this, the technician said he would be more than willing to stay after and fix my car. YAY! The only place with the available parts to fix my car was in a town about 30 minutes away. So one of the guys left to go pick up the parts and bring them back.
I made myself comfortable, opened up my computer and attempted to get some more work done. An hour had passed and the guy finally returned with the parts. The technician came back into the waiting and apologized for wasting my time. I was confused. He explained, the parts store had given his guy the wrong parts and there was nothing more they could do.
At that point it was sheer panic for me. I looked at the clock. It was 7:45pm and the only place still open was a Napa Auto Parts in town. I asked the technician if he called there to see if they had the parts. I quickly gathered that Jiffy has a contract deal with another auto parts store and he wasn’t able to work with Napa. So I called them. I explained what was wrong with my car as best I could, attempting to be a middleman between the technician and the parts specialist. They had the part I needed! The parts specialist said they would stay open if I could leave right then. So I physically ran to Napa (in the pouring rain). As I arrived, all their lights were off, but the door was propped open. And there he was, the gentleman I had spoke to on the phone. He asked me a few more questions and asked if I need an “intake” or and “exhaust” on the part I asked for. HAH! I had NO idea. So I told him I would take both! I left Napa with two parts totaling over $100 and I ran back to Jiffy. As I got there, I extended my arms to the technician with the parts I had, completely exhausted. He just looked back at me and said, “Those are the wrong parts.”
The tech put my car back together and assured me they could work on it tomorrow. I attempted to drive it home. I only made it halfway. I left my car parked in a Burgerville parking lot and I walked the rest of the way home. Drenched and defeated, I called another guy I work with and explained the situation and told him I would need a ride to work tomorrow. He did a good job of calming me down and let me know that we would all figure it out. Have I mentioned I work for a great company!?
I went to bed that night, hopeless.
Woke up, wide-awake at 4:42am. There was no going back to sleep. God gently whispered, “Go get your car.” So I got up, got dressed, and walked back to my car. It started! No check engine light. I said another little prayer and I drove it to work. I made it all the way there without it dying/stalling on me! Now I had some time to kill. After all, I was at work now two hours early. I started thinking; there must be some significance to 4:42am. I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me to look in Isaiah. So I opened up my bible-and yeah-there is no Isaiah 4:42. But, there is an Isaiah 42:4! And it reads this: “Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen one in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will bring justice to the nations.”
Talk about a Holy Spirit goose bumps moment! It was at that moment that I knew I was going to be ok. As if the heavens parted and God, himself was telling me that he has this all taken care of. He was revealing Himself to me in a new way. Isaiah 42:4 spoke directly to my heart in regards to the World Race.
Needless to say, everything came together after that. Once the guys got to work, we pushed my car into a service bay and one of our technicians took a look at it. The guys helped me with the error code that kept coming up with my check engine light. Turns out, the parts I got the night before from Napa, those were the exact parts that were needed to fix my car. AND, the technician who was working on my car-he had actually fixed this exact problem before on the same make and model of my car. He was able to fix it, no problem. I even drove it around in the parking lot and didn’t have an issue! One of our salesmen even went to Napa while I was at work and bought the exact same parts that I needed. So that I could go return the parts that I bought. He said it was on him, and he knew I was going on a mission and he wanted to help out.
God totally provided. What was originally going to be $580 for me to fix, turned out to be nothing. Originally I thought I was going to have to miss work to go get my car fixed somewhere else. But, I was able to work overtime that day while my car was being fixed.
As Shauna would say, “when life gives you sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.”
Thank you, Jesus.
For all of it.
The bitter, the sweet.
I’m still saying yes.
I will go wherever you call me.
Amen.
Up next: Quitting my job. Moving. Loosing my wallet.
