I’m almost a month into practicum at this point. I’ve spent a few weeks in Asheville, NC and a few days at home with family. Going into practicum, I knew it would be hard. In fact I had hoped it would be hard. It’s the perfect training ground. I thought I was ready for it when I left Spain. I wasn’t wrong, but it’s definitely felt like an endless battle so far. The best way I can describe it is that it’s been good and hard. But I’m really starting to believe that the best things, the one’s worth something, are both good and hard.
At the beginning of the semester we had talked about what it looks like to be a burden bearer. As soon as I heard what they do I immediately saw how it’s been a theme in my life for a long time. I heard it described as someone who gets to be let in on what’s happening in the hearts of others and help carry that to Jesus. Feelings will come out of nowhere and all of a sudden in the middle of a great day comes this weight of sadness, shame, anxiety, fear, you name it. As a burden bearer, you have a way of feeling the room. Often you won’t even know who’s it is in the room. When misused it often ends up being taken on entirely by the burden bearer and they end up carrying it around with them instead of taking it to Jesus and letting it go. Letting go can be tricky. Recognizing what you’re carrying can also be tricky. It’s a beautiful gift but it takes a lot of practice to learn to do well.
A lot of the time, a burden bearer will start to feel a certain way and not know why. It can get really confusing when you think you’re doing okay, that everything in life is good, then all of a sudden you get body checked by a wave of whatever is going on. It’s easy to believe it’s just you and take it on as your own. But that’s not the point. What I’ve been learning to do is identify that it’s not mine. And it rarely is. Then speak life into it. By recognizing the lies you can speak the truth over the space instead and that brings a shift.
I knew this was a gift I carried back at the beginning of the semester, but because of what He was trying to teach me at the time, He temporarily numbed the gift. As He was teaching me how to be taken care of, how to be loved by Him and others, He took away that responsibility for a while. I remember being frustrated without it, knowing there was stuff going on around me but no longer having as much insight to it. It was a beautiful season with my Father, but with practicum has come a whole new lesson. And with that, the return of my gift of burden bearing.
Last semester was unlearning a lot of what I thought I knew, learning to grab hold of my true identity as He sees me, and accepting the care and love of others. Stepping into this season, He’s got me on training grounds. It’s been a battle to come back to who He tells me I am and remember the authority I carry. Only a month in I have been hit multiple times by the struggles of those around me and I’ve been fighting to recognize that it’s not mine. It’s not mine to hold or carry but to take to my Father. I’ve been learning how to see clearly in these situations even when I feel the opposite. I’ve been fighting for truth and practicing using the authority I’ve been given.
It’s always a choice. To see clearly, to bring it to Him, to speak life into it, to fight for those around me and to get back up. It’s been really really hard. But I am so thankful that I’m learning this now. This is something I’ve been asking Him to teach me for a while because I know what’s ahead won’t be easy. I know opposition will come and you better believe I WILL be ready for it.
I’ve heard the lies in whispers, the doubts trying to creep in, I’ve felt the weariness from constant fighting, I’ve forgotten who I am for moments. And I’ve gotten back up. He’s been good enough to surround me. I’m not fighting alone. I have incredible people who remind me of the battle I’m in when I get hit with a weight and forget it’s not mine. But everytime I choose to get up, I get stronger and gain more ground. I’m far from losing the battle and getting farther. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it hurts. Yes, its heavy. But I’m getting stronger. It’s going to get easier. This is the training ground, it’s supposed to be hard.
Today I was feeling it again. I was feeling the self doubt and fears trying to creep their way into my consciousness. And it wasn’t an easy choice, but I got back up and fought yet again. And you know what? I won again!
I sat with my Father. I remembered who I was and where I’m going. We talked about the good things, and He filled me with His peace. We chose to sit in peace. We talked about how hard it’s been, how heavy it’s felt, how far from myself I’ve felt. And He asked me a really good question.
“Can you tell me why you’re doing this?”
It didn’t take more than a second. Because instantly I thought of all the little girls who don’t know they’re princesses. I thought of the pain and worry and hopelessness they’ve had to carry all by themselves. I thought about His heart for them, how powerful they are and how their voices have been silenced. I’m doing this so I can be strong enough to fight for them one day. I’m learning this so I can teach them how to carry it to Jesus. I’m practicing the fight so I know without a doubt I will win when they need to get a full night of sleep.
It’s hard now. Carrying the burdens around me, feeling it all and learning to let it go, fighting for myself and those around me feels endless. But it’s such a blessing because one day it will come with ease. One day I’ll be able to do this for the girls my Father blesses me with to take care of. One day they won’t know anything but the perfect peace of the Father.
I’m so thankful for the opportunity to master this fight. I’m thankful for this gift He’s teaching me to use well. I’m thankful for the good and the hard. Because at the end of the day, when yet another battle comes my way, I get to remember the answer that came instantaneously. When my Father asks me “why are you doing this?” The answer will always be, because they’re worth it.
