All my life I’ve used planning as a shield. I made lists, filled calenders, wrote down every thought and idea. I spent so much of my time with the thoughts beginning in one day…. I found my comfort in knowing that my one day would be different from my past.
I’ve always struggled with staying in the present. Being content where I am. As a child, when life was hard, I had landmarks. Days I looked forward to that would keep me pressing forward. Like when you’re on a run you really don’t want to be on. So you tell yourself “ok, I’ll keep going just until I reach that tree ahead.” And then the next and the next until it’s all over. That’s how I dealt with my pain. I ran to the next thing in sight.
I lived for the next good up ahead and I planned like crazy so in my spare time I could dream about how life would be one day. And since discovering pintrest, oh boy that’s a whole new story. Hours spent dreaming up my perfect wedding, perfect home, perfect family, the perfect 10year plan.
Since coming home from the race, I’ve been breaking this habit. But it’s a hard habit to break. While I was on my race, Jesus took away my 10 year plan. He took away every plan I had right down to the man I was going to marry. And left me with this terrifying freedom.
No longer bound to the chains that were dragging me forward along a path I was determined to take, He opened me up to a labyrinth of new possibilities.
It feels pretty strange. Like He lead me to the middle of the labyrinth and sat me down and said “ok, now just be.” These past 5 months off the field have looked a lot like me trying to walk out and His reminding me to sit down and just exist. Just sit and look around. See all the possibilities, but not fully explore them. Not yet.
I’ve never been good at stillness. I’m always moving always pressing forward always striving for whatevers next. I had to be, it was my survival technique. But now that I’m free from just survival, I have to learn how to live. I have to learn how to sit and remember and feel and be ok not knowing.
I’m really not sure what’s next. Or when that next will come. My Jesus has been so kind constantly reminding me that this stillness, although painful at times, is so good. It’s teaching me how to walk with real faith. The kind that calls you out of your boat onto the water not knowing whats beneath you. The kind that leads you blindfolded through the dark. Demanding that your faith be strong enough to just take one step forward not knowing where you’re headed.
I’ve been given promises for my future. I know that where I’m headed is greater than anything I could ever imagine (although when my mind wanders from my present i still dare to try). I know that Jesus has so much better planned for me and I just have to trust the process. I know this time of stillness is good for me. But it’s a challenge I’ve never taken before and with that comes tears and grit.
I know I’m where I need to be. Sitting in the middle of this labyrinth of wonder not knowing where I’ll go. Wandering through my past, feeling all that was never felt when I had my eyes fixed ahead of me. Erasing my expectations for the future. Learning how to be completely present in each moment. Learning to just be.
