My departure date is very quickly approaching. Some days too quickly, others not nearly quickly enough. It seems my life has become consumed with last minute details and trying to see everyone I can one last time. The way my brain tends to process you’d think I was never coming back. I’ve often found myself in a snotty ball of tears thinking of all the goodbyes ahead.
I’ve been asked many times how I can bare to leave everything I know for so long and cross the world with people I’ve just met. Believe me if it were my choice I wouldn’t be. I’m quite happy here in my comfort zone with my Pumpkin Spice Latte.
But God has called me to follow Him.
God has been using this whole process to point out how tentatively I’ve been relying on Him. It seems everytime I turn around He removes another safety blanket in an attempt to draw me closer to Him. And as much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t been handling it well.
I don’t think I realized how many safety blankets I had, and how hard the call to true abandonment is. Over the years God has removed control, money, family, friends, all to prove to me that He’s the only thing I need. The best way I can describe it is being dragged kicking and screaming till I realize I was being rescued all along.
All of this became a realization for me a couple days into training camp. I’ll be honest, I was seriously struggling. I knew going in that I had to just be myself while making friends because if I didn’t then I’d be playing pretend for 9 months. But being myself suddenly became impossible the moment I stepped onto campus.
It seriously felt like God had put a barrier around my ability to form proper sentences and express my thoughts. It was as if I was The Little Mermaid desperately trying to communicate who I was with no ability to do so. My thoughts were cloudy and my words were jumbled. It was then that I realized what God was trying to say to me.
“This thing we’re about to do right here, it’s between you and me. No one else. You will rely on me alone for your strength. You will find your identity in being my child. You will find your joy in mine. I will give you back your worldly support team only when you give them up for me.”
Probably one of my most angry God moments. Anyone who knows me knows that complete isolation is the absolute worst torture you could put me through. I’m a people person. But I need to be a God person first and foremost.
As I began to let go of my desperation and anger, God did some amazing things. That week I heard God’s voice for the first time. But not only once, it happened at least 5 times and it was the most incredible experience. Of course at first I doubted it wondering if I was just making things up because I wanted to hear Him. But after being told by 3 other people as well as hearing the same things yourself, multiple times, you kind of begin to believe it’s a whole lot bigger than whatever is going on in your head.
God told me who I am in Him. He removed my filthy worldly identity and replaced it with His own. He spoke into the old hurts and healed me. Once I removed the spiritual ear plugs, I was welcomed by the beautiful music of the Heavenly Father singing my name.
Needless to say, this whole World Race thing has been quite the ride thus far and I am positive it will continue to be such. However, I have a feeling that if I continue to follow Him faithfully it will be well worth the struggle.
