We all sat in a circle, each describing our background to our host, Raul. After I introduced myself and where I’m from, Raul countered with a question that didn’t fit. ”Why do I have an impression on my soul?”
With a confused look on my face, I asked for clarity. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
Raul expanded his question. “Why do I have an impression on my soul that this is going to be a big month for you?”
A state of mild shock took over. With a nervous smile, I threw my hands over my face and bent over in my chair. Just as quickly I sat back up, whispering “wow” under my breath.
What Raul didn’t know is what was said two nights before. It was our last night of debrief, and the floor was open for anyone on our squad to go up and speak. People went up, one by one, speaking different truths over our squad. Most of them unrelated to one another, yet still speaking so much life into us.
In the silence that arose in between squad mates sharing, I kept thinking through my first month on the race. In hindsight, two themes shouted at me.
- Hearing the Lord (or lack of)
- Fear of man
One was my frustration with not knowing how I hear the Lord speak to me. The second was a concept around the fear of man, which is essentially just being afraid of what people think. I realized that these two probably go hand in hand. I do desire to hear from the Lord, but I actually think my own fear of man is hindering me from hearing the Lord.
Does that make sense? Basically, I do want to hear from the Lord, but at the same time I don’t, because I’m terrified of what I’m going to hear. I don’t think I will want to do what He will tell me to do, so I sit in silence, allowing the fear to deafen my ears.
So I sat there, thinking on this. My heart started to race as a pull to go up in front of everyone grew stronger. I fought it, not wanting to be center of attention as usual. The irony was the fact that I wanted to face my fear of man for month two and on, yet I didn’t want to stand in front of my squad to tell them that. Oxymoron, people. After an internal debate with the Lord, my feet were moving. I was walking to the front without a conscious thought to do so.
I told them my thoughts on the two themes, and then verbally rebuked the fear of man. I mentioned how it terrified me, because I knew what that meant for my future in this race, and in life. I knew it meant that God was going to speak, and I was going to hear. And if I hear Him, I will need to obey Him.
It will be uncomfortable. It will look foolish at times. It will be offensive.
But it will also be life giving. It will reveal Kingdom on earth. It will save souls that might otherwise have perished. And that’s worth it.
So, apparently it is going to be a big month for me, because the Lord told me so through my brother in Christ, Raul. I am already starting to see that God has something more for me in Romania, but I’m stunned that I already saw it on day one of this month. Wow, y’all. God is cool.
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