2018.
The first year I didn’t make it a New Years resolution to lose weight.
I figured going on the World Race & all that entailed was enough of a goal for the year.
Currently still trying to finish this thing strong. The reality of home is nearing closer and closer each and every day. It’s funny, we seem to think the World Race isn’t “real life.” Because well-it isn’t. We can’t totally control what we eat. Our budget is small and sometimes we have someone cooking for us. Instead of being a member of a gym, the world is our gym. In that aspect, I’ve failed. Not having the comfort of dumb bells and a treadmill makes it harder for me to work out. It’s not safe for us to just go out and go on a run in a lot of these countries either.
In Cambodia my friend Adriana and I went on a run in the city. We were almost to our final destination, the Olympic stadium, and she jumped over a little chain instead of stopping and stepping over it. Well, folks-I’m not as skilled as Ms. Adriana Ernst. I went for it and ate shit. Yup. Chin first into the cement. I managed to hurt my shoulder a bit too. A concerned Cambodian man came up and touched my chin ever so slightly, lifting it up to see the damage that was done. No words were said and we parted ways. You could say I was a tad traumatized and didn’t run in Phnom Penh ever again. I’m not really one to pop back up after I’m knocked down (in more of a morale sense-not literal, I popped right up instantly after falling in the streets of Cambodia).
On the race I’ve actually improved my eating habits a smidge. The limitations of not being able to get in a car and go through the drive through or the store has been beneficial. Also-not having a lot of money to spend helps in that area as well. On the other hand, I think I’ve drank more Coke than I ever really have. So less binging, more Coca Cola. Ya win some ya lose most? as my friend Jess Logan would say.
Most of the race I haven’t really struggled with my image to be honest. I guess you could say I used my limitations as excuses. As many of you many know, fatigue has been about a five or six year battle. It’s super hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and I spend a lot of days fatigues. On these days each step is a push and working out seems like the last thing I’d want to do. So this plus the limitations ties my hands or you could say, I let it tie my hands behind my back.
So, home is around the corner. Another New Year is approaching. My tendency is to make unrealistic goals of you know “new year new me.” Not that that’s not possible-I just tend to make unreachable goals that I give up on fairly quickly (if I’m being honest with myself).
What am I going to do differently? How am I going to love myself and take care of myself? Well, I’m still figuring that out. My goal is to take care of myself: mentally, physically and emotionally. To do my best and forget the rest (P90X guy). First of all, I need to believe that I’m worth it. Knowing that and walking beside Jesus, the rest will fall into place.
I know my identity is the Jesus Christ. Some days this knowledge stays in my head and my heart fails to believe. No matter what I look like, this isn’t going to change. I’m not going to be whole in a smaller pants size. Jesus makes me whole. From the head to the heart. My head knows it. My heart is still catching up-the light bulb hasn’t quite gone off yet (a heart bulb you may say).
I’m currently memorizing Psalm 139-or trying to. Trey Beavers, my former YL area director, would always say to hide scripture in your heart. To memorize scripture is to catch us in our doubts. In our hurts. On our bad days. When we slip, we have the truth right there in our little heads.
We are wonderfully and fearfully made by the creator of the universe. He knows our hurts, our flaws, our weaknesses. But in our weaknesses we are strong. Once we put a finger on them we can use them to glorify God. Let Him take control. If we hide them under a bush Satan has control. Satan uses shame to make us stuck. Sometimes I shame myself. I get in my own way of my potential. Trip on my own feet.
So today? I’m stuck. I’m tired. I’m struggling. I’m trying to push through, but it’s been so hard. I want the Lindsay that steps foot on American soil in 40 days to be the best version of myself that America has seen. I know it’s possible. I’ve learned and grown a lot this year. Here I am in Month ten in a bit of a slump, doubting my growth. So Jesus, I lay everything down at your feet and I’m giving you the wheel.
Prayer:
Jesus. I pray that I can believe what you say of me. Help my heart believe it. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My identity is fully in you and in nothing else. Even though things are hard, you are so, so good Father. When we are weak, we are strong. Jesus, help us look up to you. To see things from your perspective. Show me how far you have taken me on this journey. Jesus, help my heart know that I am fully known and fully loved. There is nothing I can do that will make you leave me. I’m under your wings. Thank you for knitting me in my mother’s womb and using me to shine your magnificent light.
In Jesus name,
Amen
All the love,
Lindsay
