Shame
A five letter word.
A feeling that holds us back from so many things.
Paralyzes us from being who we truly are.
It lurks in the darkness and slowly controls people.
I’m reading Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, which talks all about vulnerability and shame.
Scary right?
Reading this book has me thinking a lot about how I have let shame control so many different aspects of my life.
Shame’s power is in the dark. In the unspeakable as Brene would say.
Brene’s definition of shame is, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Everyone has experienced it. Everyone does-more often than not. For me, it is crippling. Paralyzing. I would rather say nothing at all & dwell on the dumb thing I did or said until I can somehow sling shot it as far out of my memory as possible rather than admitting it to someone else.
Why is that? We’re all humans trying to figure out how to do life. Why is being vulnerable and sharing our mistakes and struggles such a difficult concept?
The darkness we hide our shame in allows it to grow and spread lies into our every day actions. Maybe it’s why our imaginations dim as we grow up.
I know, for me, that it did.
As a 9 on the enneagram, otherwise known as the peacemaker, I like to well-keep the peace.
I don’t like the spotlight. I’d rather be a fly on the wall. I certainly don’t like to mess up-which hinders me from trying all together.
I’d rather not help with something or try something than to do it wrong and embarrass myself.
Why? Because shame holds me back.
If I mess up. Say something wrong. Read a word wrong. Make a wrong move. That defines me. I let it define me.
Or well, I used to.
I’m walking out of this. Slowly but surely.
Naming your shame, putting it in the light, kills it. We’re not perfect. We’re not Jesus. We are going to do and say dumb things. We surely aren’t always going to be right.
And that’s okay.
Shame is real & it is difficult.
Guilt vs Shame
Guilt: I did something bad
Shame: I am bad
Shame cannot survive if we share it. If we share our shame & those around us respond with empathy, we are squashing it like the 100th ant that’s crawled on you today (world race probs?).
We need to share our stories & overcome them so that shame doesn’t hold us. So that Satan can’t whisper the “you’re not good enoughs” & “your dumbs” as we dwell on our mistakes.
I can’t tell you how many times shame has shut me up, planted the seed that I’m dumb & my opinion doesn’t matter, or that my opinions are dumb.
This has taken a hit on my identity. Living in the dark. In isolation. Not letting anyone really in on what’s really going on in my head.
I am vulnerable in some ways-but in others it is my flesh to hide (not lie because I’m bad at that) from the truth the best way that I possibly can.
This has been slowly picking me apart. Pedal by pedal. Withered away my creativity and imagination & essentially my potential.
Living in community on the world race has shifted this for me.
You can’t really hide-you can try but it doesn’t work very well.
These people I am surrounded by love me, want to know me & want what’s best for me.
They are safe & boost me up.
I have never been so honest with people about where I’m at.
It’s so freeing to name your shame & watch it whither as it leaves your mouth.
AND to have people love you in that, call you higher & speak life over you.
I have learned so much about myself & my potential. The people around me push me to be the best Lindsay I can be.
There’s no room for shame anymore.
& God said, let there be light…..
to watch all the shame whither away
well not really,
but kinda!!!
But really, I encourage you to shine a light on your shame with safe people around you. You’re probably not the only one who feels the way you’re feeling.
When you let people in, you’ll feel less like an alien-I promise.
