We are in Nepal! I cannot believe that one month has already past! Our whole squad is staying in a four story house in Kathmandu! We receive our ministry assignments on a day to day basis.
I would love to share a little bit about how the Lord has moved in my heart in the past few weeks. The beginning of this month was the first of four debriefs. Debriefs are a time that we pause, rest and reflect on our race so far. We celebrate what God has done, pray over one another and cast vision for the months to come! A few members of our leadership team fly out and meet us for the week.
During debrief, we did an exercise that was meant to free us of lies that have a hold on our hearts and replace them with our identity in Christ and God’s promises to us.
The first question was directed at an emotion. What emotion comes to the surface most often for you? I knew right away mine was worry. Worry has a big hold on my heart. I shared with a teammate that it feels as if worry is what I operate out of. I may have moments of freedom and rest but, worry is my fallback. It effects me through anxious stomach aches, racing thoughts, stoic emotions and/or heavy emotions.
This past year my spirit was so exhausted I became numb to my relationship with God. I cried out to God in agony:
“God you promised that your yoke is easy and your burden is light, you promised rest for our souls, you promised a full life, you promised we would never grow hungry. How many more times do I need to cry out? Why do I feel like you lied to me?”
The next question in the exercise was, what memory is the emotion attached to? My mind immediately went back to freshman year of high school when a bunch of my friends switched schools and I lived in worry of them forgetting about me and forming close friendships without me.
It hit me that my worry is relational. My mind flashed to first grade when everyone wanted one specific girl’s attention and would fight to sit next to her or to be her partner in class. My mind flashed to fourth grade when I spent my whole year trying to feel accepted by a group of four girls. My mind flashed to seventh grade when I was insanely jealous to the point of tears anytime I heard that a close friend of mine had hung out with someone else over the weekend. My mind flashed to high school when I used to scroll through Facebook, see pictures of groups of friends and get a pit in my stomach. My mind flashed to my anxious stomach during my first semester of college as I searched for safe friendships. My mind flashed to the moment I realized my roommate/best friend was moving to Maryland after she got married. My mind flashed to the present moment and how worried I was about losing my teammates.
The third question was what lie have you been believing? I realized the lie is love is scarce.
This scarcity mindset has caused me restlessness and emptiness. Who are my people? Do they love me as much as I love them? What if they find someone they would rather be friends with? What if someone takes them away from me? Will I be alone? Am I enough? Will I always be in need? Will this love I have now run out?
Does that sound like freedom in Christ? Nah.
Living as if love is scarce causes many things. It causes a deep fear of man: needing to change myself in order to be what others love. It causes unhealthy emotionally dependent relationships: thinking the love of others will fill the desire to be fully known. It causes low self worth: facing rejection and deciding who I am is never enough. It causes a constant state of anxiety: always worried that I won’t have what I need.
The last question was of the exercise was, what is true? The truth is that the Lord’s love is enough (Psalm 107:8-9). His love is deeply personal (Psalm 136:13-17). His love fills our desire to be known (John 6:35). His love is always near and never runs out (Romans 8:38-39).
Now comes the ultimate question. Do I believe that?
A month ago I would have said: Yes! I have been seeking the Lord my whole life! It says ”Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled” Matthew 5:6. God, I have been seeking you my whole life, so why do I still feel empty?
This week I took a look at my relationship with God and had to ask myself, wait have I? Have I been seeking HIM my whole life? What do I place my hope in? Do I seek the Lord for the Lord’s sake?
All I came to was, yikes. I don’t think so. I don’t think I have been seeking the Lord for the Lord’s sake. I think I intended too, but I still want love from people more than love from the Lord. My worry and emptiness are symptoms of putting my hope in something that is not sustainable. How do I walk in the sustainability of God’s perfect love?
To be honest, I don’t know. Right now, I know it means taking every anxious thought captive and focusing on the intricate ways God is loving me. It means asking for help. It means praying and waiting on the Lord. Let me tell you, he is showing up.
Story for you,
We were worshipping one morning and we sang the lyric, “In You is all I need.” We sang it a couple of times and I could feel my heart detach from the lyrics.
The worship leader stopped and said she felt like there was someone in the room that did not fully trust that Jesus is all they need. She asked us to change the lyric to, “In Him is all You need” and sing it over our squad. At that moment one of my teammates, Luke, turned around putting both hands on my shoulders and sang it over me. Two more of my squad mates gathered around me and sang it over me.
Instantly, I put my face in my hands and began to sob. Right there, I believed it.
Yes, Jesus you are ALL I need. You gave me these people. The love I am receiving from them is YOUR love. You divinely appointed all of us to be on a team together. You gave me teammates whom I love so deeply. You are loving me through Bekah’s compassion. You are loving me through Carmen’s challenge. You are loving me through Luke’s empathy. You are loving me through Kyle’s protection. You are loving me through Emmy’s kindness. You are loving me through Katie’s joy. I could go on about every member on the squad Lord. I see you working in the intricate details of the race to call specifically to me. I also see you working to meet people in these countries. You are loving me through showing me your glory in these countries. You are reviving me. You are a pursuer.
It is all you Jesus. I see it and I believe it. So capture me God, may I never lose sight of your pursuit of my heart.
It is not a coincidence that our ministry in Nepal has started with lot of prayer. I am having to trust that bringing God’s presence to the people of Nepal through prayer is enough, that He is all they need. It not a coincidence that this month is all squad month and God is asking me to reject any thought that is centered around seeking approval from man versus God.
Guys, God is SO GOOD. His character NEVER CHANGES. EVER. Seriously, even when I sit down in defeat he gets behind me and lifts me up. I am so thankful his character is not contingent on my trust of it. It is steadfast, constant, unwavering, faithful and devoted.
I will keep you updated on how the Lord moves through us in Nepal. Pray encouragement and good health over our squad.
