Since being on the race I have struggled to be vulnerable with kids because I know how hard I love, and I knew if I fell in love with these children it would be so hard for me to leave. So although I have still been interacting with the children I haven’t given my whole heart to them. I know that God was convicting me of that, but I refused to give into it because I did not want to be broken hearted every time I have to leave a country. If you know me very well at all you probably know how hard this has probably been for me.
This week our Pastor and his wife invited my team and me out to Pastor’s house for a relaxing day floating on the river, and eating some really good food. Sounds like the perfect day right?? Well little did we know we were not the only ones invited. As we are outside of our church waiting to be picked up a family from our church shows up and tells us that they will be joining us. I was instantly frustrated. This family had 3 children ages 7, 4, and 3. I knew instantly this day would not be relaxing for me because I was going to have to try not to be fully invested in these children’s lives. For as much as I love kids not loving them is basically a full time job for me.
As I sat upstairs waiting for our ride to pick us up the Lord began to speak to me. The first thing I heard him say really made me mad. I heard “Kimbra you are being a very selfish person” insert mic drop. WHAT??? I have never considered myself to be a selfish person. I have a huge heart and I give very freely. Never in my life have I ever been called selfish. Instantly I started reevaluating my life. What could I possibly be doing that is selfish? I abandoned everything I know to follow God. I asked God to show me, or tell me what I need to do. His response was “You’re keeping my love from children because of your fear of being hurt….WHAT?? How can my decision to not invest myself in children’s lives affect anyone but me?
I began to really pray because this was not something I wanted to budge on, but I came on this mission trip to be fully obedient to God, and obviously God wasn’t in agreement with how I had been doing things so far. That day I got into this van and sat beside a 7 year old little boy who I couldn’t understand due to him speaking Spanish. Although I couldn’t speak with him our communication was amazing. We played games in a car all day. He was the most patient child I have ever been around. He tried his hardest to help me understand as did I. I instantly fell in love with this child, and his beautiful sisters. I spent an entire day loving hard, and with everything in me. For the first time I have been on this mission trip I know I gave everything in me to those children. I held nothing back because I refuse to keep the love of God from those children. I believe God has given me the most precious gift and that is the unbearable amount of love I have for children. I am showing Christ through my love and laughter with these children. I refuse to be selfish and keep my love from them.
