Hello all, you may or may not have noticed I have been absent from my blog for over a month. (what a great storyteller I am) If I am being honest with you all, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to share my journey, it was because I didn’t know how to. In the past couple of months the Lord has walked me through so many things and every time I sat down to put it into words, none came.
So here I am…sitting down to attempt putting this season into words.
month three and four of my race were probably the hardest for my heart so far. Not because I had to say hard goodbyes or because people touched me so deeply that I was moved to tears, quite the opposite actually. I wasn’t FEELING anything.
Going into the race, one thing I was worried about was my heart, and willingly stepping into a year of loving and leaving 11 different groups of people I knew I would love. My last blog I talked about how proud I was of myself that this life of constant change hasn’t caused as much turmoil in me as I expected. As I sat with that more, I realized I wasn’t dealing with change better, I just wasn’t dealing with change at all. I was keeping far enough of a distance where I wasn’t feeling the hard stuff.
At first that led to the “yay, go me!” realization. But now I know it was simply me being unauthentic and not stepping into vulnerability. Unfortunately I was not only doing this with those I was serving, but also my team, my friends, and God. Instead of bringing the broken parts of myself to the light I built a wall around my heart. Not letting anyone in or anything out. Seems like a fool proof way to not get hurt right?
Yes, but also a guaranteed way to feel extremely alone and numb.
It’s amazing what you don’t feel when you decide to shut off parts of your heart.
This isn’t a victory, like I previously thought. This is a choice to ignore your brokenness and the brokenness of others. Which ultimately leads to a lack of healing, trust, love, and community.
As I went into debrief after month four I was full of regret, sadness, confusion, and shame. Why was it so easy for me to walk away from the last two ministries I worked with. I knew in my heart I cared for those people dearly but when it came time to leave I walked away effortlessly.
I told my squad mentor, Ashley (a true woman of God with hot fire insight) that I felt broken. Not in the sense of my story and the brokenness within it. More that the part of me that gives and receives love is turned off. It is out of service, unable to love others or accept their love in return.
Saying it out loud seemed so silly, but there was no other way to explain what I was walking through. This wasn’t the first time I had felt this, I explained to Ash that I have struggled with this in my past. I see people love me well and without condition and yet I push them away. I get scared and immediately distance myself; I know their love for me and I also know of my inability to reciprocate.
Just like month three and four, I would also see people right in front of me that I cared for and knew their worth, and yet I could walk away without a tear. While my fellow teammates were crying and still keep in touch with them to this day.
Ashley started off by telling me all of this was a big fat lie. She reminded me of times she has seen me love people well. Of Juan in month two where I pursued him and his relationship with the Lord so hard; and how I still communicate with him.
She challenged me to change my view of myself in these ministries. I wasn’t a heartless woman who didn’t care about God’s children placed in my path. I may just be a woman who does better loving the one rather than the masses. Maybe when I am handed 30 kids I find it difficult to connect with them and walk away more easily than the times I connect with one person and build a relationship with them for a month.
Don’t you love those moment when you have to sit back and say,
“huh, I didn’t think about that”
She helped me see how truly capable I am to love. Maybe instead of being numb and unable to give and receive love, I am simply better loving one on one. And that is OK! What an idea, that we all have our gifts and mine is not evangelism or discipling the masses. My gift is love. The thing I thought I was too broken to provide. God hasn’t called me to the nations to excel at every ministry put in front of me. He has called me to do the one ministry that matters most, to love His children well. To find the one and make them feel known and loved by the Father.
In Galatians 5 it talks about the difference between the law and faith. The law states you must do this or that to be saved, you must be this kind of person the earn God’s love. Alternatively, through grace and Jesus dying for us all we need is faith. Those that live only by the law will never know God’s love, because they are not walking in the freedom we have been given. What a waste of the sacrifice made for us.
Our Father is not calling us to accomplish a list to satisfy Him and earn His love. He is only calling us to have faith and love one another.
In verse 14 it states,
“For the entire law is fulfilled in one statement: love one another as yourself.”
So all the people living by the “law” of God are actually missing the whole point. It is so elementary it is funny we mess it up so often. It says the ENTIRE law is FULFILLED in one statement: LOVE one another as you love yourself.
I have felt so much shame in my inability to connect with the ministry in front of me, and all along I was making it too complicated. If we only love His children, God is satisfied.
I believe this is what God called me to the nations for. He knows I love hard. When I love someone I want them to feel it everyday, to know so surely they will never forget they are loved. I may not be preaching the Gospel, but I am putting it into action. Instead of words, I choose action, I choose love. If I show them real love and acceptance, it may heal their brokenness and point them to Christ faster than any sermon ever could.
Thank you Father for giving me such a big heart. I pray you soften it to your children and call me to love them again and again.
I see now God was not calling me to be the best at every ministry or fall in love with every person I meet this year, but to love His children I meet along the way. I was stuck living by the law, instead of as a free child of God, simply asked to love and love well.
Wow God, how complicated we try to make it sometimes. I know my ministry for the next 6 months and beyond. It isn’t what I am assigned to or where I am placed. It is to love.
Love those who don’t know love. Love those who won’t love me back. Love those who will break my heart. Love those I won’t want to leave. Love those who I can’t wait to leave. Just love. What a beautiful ministry.
