Bear with me here for a little as I try to explain where I’m coming from; close your eyes for a second, really close them — think back to when you were little and you fell down, maybe ya scratched your knee, maybe you scuffed your palm, just imagine that moment…remember how it stung? Remember the moments after you fell? Remember when your parent came rushing to you? Or maybe it was an older sibling, or someone else you trusted…do you remember? Do you remember them giving you a little kiss on your scratch to make it better? I do, I remember my mom always rushing to my side to make sure I was okay when I fell down or got hurt.
I’ve always been pretty independent, don’t really like a whole lot of attention, especially if it’s the kind that makes it look like you need help. When I was in all-star cheerleading, one night before practice, I looked at my grandma straight in the face and told her I was going to break my elbow that night doing a backhand spring at cheer practice…well, God must’ve given me a lil gift to see the future that night because I did EXACTLY that. word for word what I had told her. You’re probably reading this going “WHY WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING LIKE THAT???” Truth is, I don’t know. I just felt like it would happen. From that night on I was never allowed to guess injuries around my house ever again. But that night as they put the cast on my arm in the hospital all I could think was “how am I going to put my hair up for the next 4-6 weeks for cheer practice?” Again, you’re probably thinking “YOU CAN’T PRACTICE WITH A BROKEN ARM” ahhhh, right you are. But, I didn’t want to quit. What I remember aside from putting my hair in a pony tail was the moments before we went to the hospital. The moment I walked out of the gym grasping my elbow and my mom looked so confused and terrified. When she asked what was wrong and I told her with a straight face that I was pretty sure I broke my arm. I was so thankful to have her there. I suck at showing emotions when I’m really in pain, I’m sure at first she didn’t believe me since I said it without a tear in my eye, but the truth is, it hurt to do ANYTHING with my arm. I just couldn’t find the tears to cry about it.
Okay, now here’s where the first part starts to come into play — that scratch you got…the kiss to make it better? That’s what my mom did for me when I broke my arm, she didn’t physically kiss my arm and heal the bone (although that would’ve been KILLLLER and saved a heck of a lot of time I could’ve spent cheering). She was there for me. She knew I was in pain and she wanted to make it better. Me, being stubborn and independent, pushed her away. I hated having to ask her to put my hair up, so I wore my hair down. I HATED having to ask her to wash my hair because if you didn’t know — IT IS FREAKING HARD to wash your hair with one arm and really get it clean. I hated the fact that I needed help. But she stood around and knew that I would need her so she was patient and willing to love me even when I didn’t want it.
I think a lot of times, at least for me, I do this with Jesus. I sin every day and instead of giving it to God and letting Him do the work I’m too stubborn to ask for help and try to figure it out on my own. Now, I’m sure you can see how this is wrong…all wrong…but it’s how I do it, I’m not proud but hey, I’m a work in progress too. When I sin and try to fix it myself I end up making an even bigger mess, but ya know how things go, I still try to make it better on my own. Sometimes I stop and just laugh at myself because truly I just look like such a fool. Why do I try to make myself so much bigger than God? The one who sent His ONLY son to Earth FOR ME to DIE FOR ME even though he was PERFECT…why?? And the truth is, I let satan take my independence and turn it into evil.
Sometimes being independent is good, but when I can’t give my struggles to God because I want to be independent…yeah that’s NOT so good. But the good news is, Jesus still loves me and constantly reaches from Heaven to give me that “kiss” to make it better. Even when I’m unwilling. Even when I feel too deep in my struggle. Even when I feel like I have it together but deep down I know I don’t. He is always there, He is patient, He is willing, and He loves me most of all. Even in my failures. Even in my mess.
Thank you for taking the time to read this!! All of your support has been crazy amazing!!! I truly mean that with every word!! Together we have passed the first deadline WHICH MEANS I AM OFFICIALLY GOING TO TRAINING CAMP!!! I am PUMPED to meet all these crazy people in just a few short months!!! Days can’t seem to go by fast enough!! I couldn’t have gotten this far without you guys! Thanks for all you’re doing for me to help me fulfill this calling for my life!!
with love always, Kelsey
