Ahhhh, change…what a wonderfully, scary, amazing word. Oh the joys in changing, oh the fear in letting go. It happens so often in our lives, one day things are going well, the next it’s like the earth is caving in on you. It has been a heck of a ride since I was accepted onto this trip.
Lets recap and then start where we left off, I let y’all know about how I struggle a lot with self worth and that from here until I can find my worth in Jesus I won’t be posting images of myself on social media. This was (and still is) a wonderful idea and truly I can feel God changing my perspective on myself every day, but He whispered it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t giving Him everything. I was letting Him take control of a small struggle instead of handing Him everything and walking beside Him while He changed my heart. But here I am, calling back to Him. I want to give him all of my struggles, all of my pain, all of my hurt. I want to sit back and let God do the talking when I have made an accomplishment. Man, I want God to be number one in everything.
For years and years, we moved around (ya know, military life), so you would think change wouldn’t bother me. Well, in some ways, it doesn’t. To grab my backpack and take on this 9 month adventure around the world isn’t what scares me. I’m okay with leaving, I am okay with being away from the action here in America. There is a deeper sense of change that I fear. I have been blessed to have a strong family who relates everything to the gospel, everything to Jesus, my brothers oh how their love is so pure, I can always go to them for a good belly laugh or time to vent about something that’s happened, my parents who are a living example of the love I dream of, they take on any challenge thrown at them with grace and love. Much better than me I tell ya. I have been blessed with some friends that we met when we were little and living in Hawaii and to this day (despite the moving around) we still talk! I have always had a constant friend but almost all of my constant friends are boys. I have always been a tomboy, I enjoy playing in the dirt, tossing around a football, all kinds of things boys like. BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t long for a girl friend. There are just some things you can’t really talk to with boys because well, they just don’t understand. I tried really hard to have girl friends in high school and I did, but I always have this small fear that it isn’t enough, these two girls have proven against all odds that they always stand by my side
Danielle Taylor, ahhhh your beautiful soul. I miss you, I am so so proud of all the things you are doing. You make this world a better place! I am blessed beyond words for your friendships. Our sun tanning in your backyard, playing xbox with Cody and Kyle or my personal favorite – playing pokemon in your drive way the summer going into 6th grade when I moved down the road from you. I will treasure these memories for a lifetime.
Katelynne Brazil, how I long to hear your silly laugh and run around your back yard or swim in your pool with Jack on the floats. You know how to love life and you know how to feel emotions. I miss your crazy family (oh chloe, all the shenanigans). I miss my second momma and my other dad. You guys took me in as one of your own, all of our countless sleepovers, trips to farm fresh for ice cream, starbucks before school, your friendship is something I will always cherish.
But, the thing is, I am probably the worst at communication. I find it very difficult to speak to girls because I feel my conversations aren’t exactly girly. Thats what I adore about Danielle and Katelynne. They understand me, they understand that my friendship remains even if I don’t always talk to them, my friendship remains if I go months without seeing either of them. They love me and I love them.
That doesn’t mean I don’t long for more girl friends. BUT HOW SELFISH. God has blessed me with two girls who love so big and I could never thank them enough. I came to college 8 hours away to get away from York county, to make new friends and redefine myself. Well, I did a real good job at letting other people control my friendships, I did a real good job at letting them define my happiness. WELL NO MORE. Here’s why, God gave me a whole team of God loving, adventure seeking, Jesus freaks, that I get to do life with and each of them already have impacted my life so much. He put 2 specific people on my team in my life to teach me so many lessons I would’ve never known having never met these guys. God was really really looking out for me when he showed me these friendships. Ben, I am so thankful for your constant encouragement. Your words mean so much to me. I constantly reflect on what you have told me and crave to find more time in my bible to be as spiritually knowledgeable as you. You are so funny and you understand my hyper-ness, you embrace my goofiness when others are annoyed. I love it more than anything. Oh Caleb, wow, breath of fresh air. I can always count on you for a realistic point of view, or someone to agree with me, a funny joke on a rough day, or a quick sarcastic comeback. Mostly, I am thankful for your listening abilities. I know I could spend days talking your ears off but you always listen, ahhh you are a lovely friend. The thing about these two friendships are the fact that neither of them have told me what I can and cannot do with my life. They allow God and I to be in complete control of my life and support every decision. It is a lovely friendship but it is something I am not used to. I think for the majority of my life, I made friends based on proximity rather than what we could offer each other to support our growing relationships with Christ. I am so used to letting those “friends” control my life, control my feelings, control me. I never put God first because my friends were so busy controlling me I had no where to put Him. This right here is that deeper sense of change I was talking about. I lost those friendships but in that loss I gained something far more precious than jewels. I gained a new outlook on this life. I find happiness in every single day. Whether its the pretty yellow flower/weeds that grow outside by the light post or the clouds covering the sun in such a way that the beautiful rays shine on my face, I choose to find joy in the 90’s song on the radio that I’ve never heard before but of course, you’ll catch me humming and dancing to. I take time out of each day to thank the constant people in my life for all they have done for me. I have gained a love for this crazy life I never knew I needed. God simply said “I will never leave you Kels, are you going to trust me now?” AND I SAID YES. Wow. Dramatic changes are already in the works and it is nothing of my doing, it is all Him in me. The God who moved mountains, turned water to wine, thought of me before time. He put every person that has already come into my life and those that haven’t yet, to teach me a lesson and THAT. right there. is good news. I am embracing change, I am embracing new friendships, I am embracing alone time with God. God is taking control of the wonderful life He gave to me and I couldn’t be more excited to walk along side and enjoy this crazy beautiful life.
Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this long blog, I truly appreciate all that you guys are doing, from praying to donating. You are as much a part of my journey as I am. I would love to hear about ways I can be praying for you too. I don’t want this blog to only be about how you guys can pray for me. I believe prayer is a powerful thing and letting people know what is on your mind can create a snowball effect and change someone’s life who you weren’t even thinking of. Ahhh I love prayer and seasons of new outlooks. I pray you all will embrace change just as I am learning to. Change is a good thing, it is God’s way of saying “I have more in store for you” Embrace it!!
With lots of love, Kelsey
